Setting The IF Veteran In Me Free

My friend Ginger, had a very interesting link on her blog yesterday to posting done by The Infertility Therapist which I related to on so many different levels. And while reading I found myself nodding my head in agreement.

I am finding that the older Ava gets and the more time passes and I move further and further away from my once long infertility journey, I am feeling more and more disconnected from the infertility community as a whole and I’m finding I have less and less patience with all things fertility related. I started feeling this way shortly after Ava was born and at the time I put it down to survivor’s guilt. But as the time passes I’m realizing that time truly is the healer of all wounds and I am finding healing. My journey to motherhood has changed who I am as a person, in almost all aspects, for the better.

I’ve found myself spending less and less time on support forums, less and less time trying to immerse myself in all things infertility related. A lot of this is in part to the new path I am on but also in part to the long journey it took to get where I am today.

When reading the article from The Infertility Therapist, I find myself identifying the most with this statement:

When listening to the emotional experiences of “newbies”, or those just entering infertility experience, the “veteran” often feels irritated and impatient.

The thing that I loved about this article and about all the comments was that it in a way, made it ok for me to embrace a lot of the ugly things that infertility brought out in me. And in being ok and finding acceptance of myself with those old ugly feelings of bitterness and jealousy has, in a very large way, set me free.

I realize that the way I felt/feel was normal for where I was at and for what I had been through and that it was ok to feel the way that I did.

I’m set free from the pain and the anger and the bitterness and the jealousy that held me prisoner for so many years and it’s truly liberating and freeing to be in the space I now find myself in.

June 30, 2011
Previous Post Next Post

12 Comments

  • Reply jenny

    Sharon you know what I love about you? You just wanted to be a mom, that was your goal. My irritation with the IF community sometimes is that the goal sometimes just seems to be pregnancy.The line on the stick and the cute bump that gets all the attention. When there is so much more to real motherhood than pregnancy. Just my two cents.

    June 30, 2011 at 3:59 pm
  • Reply sue stuart

    So so true, especially that time really does heal. Although the thought of Nathan often brings a lump to my throat, it’s more and more often with fondness now rather than that raw pain of losing him. I do also acknowledge though, that having Katy was a huge catalyst in starting the healing process, and I am continually reminded of how fortunate that I am.

    June 30, 2011 at 4:24 pm
  • Reply Gwen

    Mmm, I often hear people say that infertility has made them a better person. Sometimes I hear the same about baby loss too. The truth is that sometimes being dealt a shit hand brings out the worst in you and not the best. Certainly that’s true for me. There are certain people on infertility forums that I’m still invested in – I want to see them with babies in their arms – but the subject as such as well as the emotions that go with it are not so interesting to me any more. I also find that reading infertility forums makes me start wondering if I’m pregnant…counting cycle days…looking at HPTs in shops, and that’s not so good for me because rationally I’ve come to the conclusion that having another child would be the wrong thing for our family.

    June 30, 2011 at 9:04 pm
    • Reply Sharon

      It made me a better person in the long run. Not necessarily when I was going through it but the way the way the struggle moulded me into who I am now I like. Not necessarily who I was when I was going through it.

      July 1, 2011 at 9:00 am
      • Reply Gwen

        I do think that some people do find an opportunity for personal growth in these experiences, but I think that you have to make it so (which I also think you have done) – I don’t think that suffering passively is enough to make one a better person.

        The other question is whether the personal growth was worth the sacrifice. For me, not so much.

        July 1, 2011 at 10:24 am
  • Reply xox10

    That quote rings true for me too Sharon, and I’m still in my IF journey…

    I think Gwen puts it well and I can relate even though I’m not there yet – there are ppl that I feel ‘invested’ in and want to see them reach their ‘enlightenment’, but for the rest of it I’m not that interested.

    So I don’t think that its only mothers that feel the way you do Sharon. Its strange but I often feel more connected with the enlightened than with those who are just starting out on this journey. Strange indeed!

    June 30, 2011 at 11:09 pm
    • Reply Sharon

      I certainly agree, its not just mothers that feel this way, I felt this way even before Ava was born and I had felt that way for quite a few years but I’d often felt guilty for the way I felt. Its nice to have those feelings validated and to know that it was ok to feel that way.

      July 1, 2011 at 8:59 am
  • Reply Nisey

    I think its great that you are coming to terms with your experience but also moving away. I made a decision when I first discovered FC that I would not allow myself to get caught up in the drama of IF – I didn’t want to become a ‘victim’ of IF.

    I think this approach worked for me but I get that some people didn’t have the support IRL and needed that platform to vent and be sad and be happy in. FC was an invaluable resource for information though and I don’t think I would have had the foresight to change FS and ask the questions etc that I was able to without that resource.

    Whatever the reasons its imperative that you eventually break free – as you have now done. If anyone on the forum thinks that you are being selfish etc well, I hope when they achieve their dreams they too will break free.

    July 1, 2011 at 7:37 am
  • Reply waiting4amiracle

    I loved that article. It was truly interesting and the rest of her site is as well. I battle with the forum lately. I wish everyone well, but I feel like I am in the minority (of the forum). In that infertility treatment will never work for me and so I distance myself a bit. Almost like an outsider from a group I used to be in. In saying that I have made some great friends and internet friends in that group and I cherish those relationships. These are the only people in my space that really understand where I am at……beside my mom, who shares my pain.

    July 1, 2011 at 9:09 am
  • Reply To Love Bella

    Ditto, ditto, ditto.
    I am in a place now where I am DESPERATE to just let go if the odd addiction I still have going into the forum – I really don’t know why I am procrastinating so. I just don’t understand it. And I often berate myself for typing the address up in my address bar (I have long since deleted it from my favourites). As Gwen says though, there are still some girls who I want to see become a mom. I think it may only be four, at this stage. The rest, I don’t know them.
    I loved the article that Ginger mentioned and, like you, I was nodding and once or twice, felt my nose burning with the threat of tears. FINALLY. What I went through / am going through is NORMAL. Jeez. I kept thinking that I should just print the article and send it to all the twits who misunderstood our journey.
    The way I see the forum now, Sharon, is akin to us being an “older generation”. Having moved on. Things just seemed to have changed – and that is probably because *I* have changed. I have reached the end of my dark tunnel. I feel as if I can no longer relate to the TTC pages, no longer have anything useful / appropriate to say and sometimes don’t WANT to say anything, for fear of them saying “Oh, what would YOU know! You’re a mom and I’m still battling”. So I choose to steer clear of comments or suggestions.
    That said, I do sometimes wonder whether it is said that now that we are on the next page, we have no more use for the forum, leaving others behind. Which could not be further from the truth.

    July 1, 2011 at 9:54 am
  • Reply tzipieastwest

    Sharon, I also read that interesting article and, even though I am not a mum yet, and find myself in a transition phase, I could also relate to the article.
    I also do not visit FC anylonger, mostly because I connected to certain persons at a certain stage of my journey, and I still follow these “friends” adventures on their blogs, no matter what stage of their life-journey they are in.
    Somehow, I have always found that IF comments are dramatic and at times, it also makes us sound very self-focused. In that sense, there is a dimension I do not like in IF formums/blogs etc. On the otherhand, IFers are very isolated. So I believe they do need a place to support each other. And creating this support-space is, in itself, beautiful !!

    I think what I want to say is that IF is a stage in life, and the real interest is what we will do with the lessons we got from it ! How any one of us will process it in its very
    own way …

    July 1, 2011 at 10:18 am
  • Reply Mash

    When I started blogging, I made a list of the blogs I followed. Even though I started following other blogs, I intentionally never changed that list. What is so heart warming for me, is that except for one very special person, everyone has become a mother or is pregnant. Actually, there are one or two other exceptions, and those are all women who stopped trying or stopped blogging, so I don’t know their outcome. What I’ve learned is that if you want it enough, it will come to you, it really will. And in that, we are very blessed to be living in these times. When I went for my very first ever IF blood test, the woman (my mom’s age) who took the blood told me that she is infertile. She never did have any children, but treated her nieces and nephews as her own children. But, she said to me, nowadays, things are different. There are so many medical possibilities!

    There are still people who I am “invested in” as Gwen says, and who aren’t on my list that haven’t had their children, but I know that they want it badly enough that it will happen.

    Watching you “cross over” has been wonderful in the sense that it’s given me something to focus on. I’m looking forward to putting all the drama of it behind me and being a mom!

    July 1, 2011 at 10:38 am
  • I LOVE comments, leave yours here:

    You may also like

    %d bloggers like this: