There has been a rather large shift in one area of my life since my last failed IVF. Somehow the obsession with TTC seems to have past. I have no desire to try, I have no desire to have treatment, I’m not sure if its because I’m gun shy or just fed up. I do know I still really want a family of my own, I just don’t seem to have the guts to do the work to make it happen.
Its been 4 months since my IVF failed, in that 4 months, I have not tracked my cycle, I have not temped, I have not checked for ovulation and I’ve certainly not bothered to try & convince W that we should have s.e.x. (not that he needs much convincing) if anything, if I’ve suspected that its been any where near ovulation, I’ve avoided s.e.x. all together. I suppose part of it is that I feel like its a waste of time, I’ve started to feel like its never gonna happen and the other part of me is afraid to face the disappointments that come with TTC’ing all over again.
So its with a bit of a shock that I realized this am that I thinkI’m late! I’m not sure how late, hell I’m not even sure if I am late, but I’m pretty sure I had EWCM on Monday, two weeks back, so if I have a regular 28 day cycle (which I do) then surely by now???? With that sudden realization, all the sucky thoughts that go along with it came rushing back, I immediately had this urge to POAS (BFN) not that I actually trust those things, cos believe me, if you want to see a BFP you can pretty much imagine a second line there. Then I started symptom checking and aside from being overly tearful there is nothing to suggest I could be that which shall not be mentioned!
I don’t feel like I am, I don’t believe that I could be and yet just realizing that I’m late has totally messed with my head. Ugh I hate this, I’m so tired of this, I’m so sick of this!
Edited To Add: About 2 hours after hitting the publish button on this blog posting, guess what happened?? AF arrived! hahahahahahaha