Since My Failed IVF….

There has been a rather large shift  in one area of my life since my last failed IVF. Somehow the obsession with TTC seems to have past. I have no desire to try, I have no desire to have treatment, I’m not sure if its because I’m gun shy or just fed up. I do know I still really want a family of my own, I just don’t seem to have the guts to do the work to make it happen.

Its been 4 months since my IVF failed, in that 4 months, I have not tracked my cycle, I have not temped, I have not checked for ovulation and I’ve certainly not bothered to try & convince W that we should have s.e.x. (not that he needs much convincing) if anything, if I’ve suspected that its been any where near ovulation, I’ve avoided s.e.x. all together. I suppose part of it is that I feel like its a waste of time, I’ve started to feel like its never gonna happen and the other part of me is afraid to face the disappointments that come with TTC’ing all over again.

So its with a bit of a shock that I realized this am that I thinkI’m late! I’m not sure how late, hell I’m not even sure if I am late, but I’m pretty sure I had EWCM on Monday, two weeks back, so if I have a regular 28 day cycle (which I do) then surely by now???? With that sudden realization, all the sucky thoughts that go along with it came rushing back, I immediately had this urge to POAS (BFN) not that I actually trust those things, cos believe me, if you want to see a BFP you can pretty much imagine a second line there. Then I started symptom checking and aside from being overly tearful there is nothing to suggest I could be that which shall not be mentioned!

I don’t feel like I am, I don’t believe that I could be and yet just realizing that I’m late has totally messed with my head. Ugh I hate this, I’m so tired of this, I’m so sick of this!

Edited To Add: About 2 hours after hitting the publish button on this blog posting, guess what happened?? AF arrived! hahahahahahaha

10 Comments

  • skrambled

    July 17, 2009 at 9:43 am

    The really crap thing about ttcing is that you think you are OK, and then a small thing triggers of all these old feelings. Wouldnt just be so wonderful if it turned out to be a BFP. (((HUGS)))

    Reply
  • Tanya Nel

    July 17, 2009 at 11:33 am

    Hey Sharon, I really Hope it is a BFP for you. ! I wish you so much luck I had the same thing this month. usually 35 day cyle, day 45 still nothing. Dr v did a test and told me I did not ovulate? Ha, after 3 years? Gave me provera to bring on a cycle. today is day 61 still nothing. Dr v scanned yesterday and told me there is na nice big folicle which I ovulated in the last 2 days. So yes I will come on but only in another 14 – 20 days time. That means I will have a cylce of 80 days instead of 35. Can you bleive it! i am so gatvol, I have water retention, my boobs are big! I did not do the deed as I am to uncomfortable. Well just wasted a good folicle!

    goodluck! and i pray you have your BFP this mont, usually happens when you dont think about it Goodluck

    Reply
  • Adel

    July 17, 2009 at 6:26 pm

    Hi,

    I so know what you mean. I cope very gracefully and then AF is late!! Now look, I have never been pregnant, not even nearly so, why I still think that maybe I am pregnant – I do not know!! How ridiculous. I mean really – how stupid can I be.

    But that is hope for you!!!

    Thinking of you!

    Reply
  • monica lemoine

    July 19, 2009 at 5:50 pm

    Shaz – That repeated cycle of getting hopeful and then being let down: how can it NOT fuck with your head? Seriously. I feel the same way. I’ve lately been on a no-kids kick, hardcore. I think it’s the same with your IF efforts. There just have to be some kind of deep psychological ramifications that we really don’t understand, but they’re there. Thanks for this honest post.

    Reply

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