And I’m definitely going through one of those patches. I’ve started feeling very anxious about my IVF in early 09 and mostly these feelings of anxiety are coming from one source and one source only- W! His dialogue surrounding our upcoming IVF is extremely negative and its increasing my feelings of guilt (because our infertility is MY fault), sadness that we even have to do this in the first place, anxiety (because of the statements he makes about if the next one fails) , anger because I feel like he’s not really doing much to help me emotionally through this and resentment because I land up feeling so KAK (beautiful Afrikaans word for Shit) because I feel like I’m forcing him to do something he doesn’t want to do.
The worst part is that like most males, he’s just not really good at talking about how he feels and a lot of the stuff he says lands up making me feel worse. Take last night for example, we were talking about how much we each anticipated clearing on our Christmas bonuses and I could see that he got all depro about it. So when I asked him what was wrong, he mumbled something about if the next IVF fails how many more do I want to do. I know what he’s getting at, I feel the same. I’m sick and tired and fed up of spending all our spare, hard earned cash on fertility treatment. I know is sux, I hate it just as much. I’d much rather go on an overseas holiday or something like that, but instead, everything gets thrown down that bottomless pit called fertility treatment. When I ask him if he’s certain he wants to go ahead with the IVF then he make statements like: “its not my decision to make” or my other favorite “its not about me”. I mean I really have to wonder sometimes if he’s actually trying to make me feel super duper extra guilty and kak about all of this.
I’m working very hard (and believe me it takes constant effort) to try and be positive about what lies ahead, but its really not easy when it feels like you’re having to do all the work by yourself and then drag an unwilling partner along for the ride. The worst part is that I know how it will be when we actually start the treatment, he gets quite excited then and actually quite into all of the procedures and stuff, especially when we do the embryo transfer. But in the lead up I do all the work, I make all the effort for positive dialogue and thoughts and feelings, and when they fail I feel so horrendously guilty.
I don’t even know if this posting is making any sense, I’m pretty upset and have been having a good cry about it. I just feel so alone and guilty and shit for doing this to us and I don’t know if I have the strength to drag him kicking and screaming through another IVF. Its hard enough on me as it is without having to do all the emotional leg work all by myself. I just don’t think I can comfort either of us anymore by saying that one day when we have our baby he’ll be glad that I forced him through this.
I’m sorry, I’m really making him sound like a horrible person right now and he truly isn’t, I’m just feeling extremely resentful and guilty and pissed off and very very alone. Oh yes and selfish! Lets not forget selfish, I feel like I’m being incredibly selfish for doing another IVF when he’s, on many occasions told me he is happy to live without a child and he only does this for me.
Sorry, vent now over.