Sometimes I Feel I’m Alone In This

And I’m definitely going through one of those patches.  I’ve started feeling very anxious about my IVF in early 09 and mostly these feelings of anxiety are coming from one source and one source only- W! His dialogue surrounding our upcoming IVF is extremely negative and its increasing my feelings of guilt (because our infertility is MY fault), sadness that we even have to do this in the first place, anxiety (because of the statements he makes about if the next one fails) , anger because I feel like he’s not really doing much to help me emotionally through this and resentment because I land up feeling so KAK (beautiful Afrikaans word for Shit) because I feel like I’m forcing him to do something he doesn’t want to do.

The worst part is that like most males, he’s just not really good at talking about how he feels and a lot of the stuff he says lands up making me feel worse. Take last night for example, we were talking about how much we each anticipated clearing on our Christmas bonuses and I could see that he got all depro about it. So when I asked him what was wrong, he mumbled something about if the next IVF fails how many more do I want to do. I know what he’s getting at, I feel the same. I’m sick and tired and fed up of spending all our spare, hard earned cash on fertility treatment. I know is sux, I hate it just as much. I’d much rather go on an overseas holiday or something like that, but instead, everything gets thrown down that bottomless pit called fertility treatment. When I ask him if he’s certain he wants to go ahead with the IVF then he make statements like: “its not my decision to make” or my other favorite “its not about me”. I mean I really have to wonder sometimes if he’s actually trying to make me feel super duper extra guilty and kak about all of this. 

I’m working very hard (and believe me it takes constant effort) to try and be positive about what lies ahead, but its really not easy when it feels like you’re having to do all the work by yourself and then drag an unwilling partner along for the ride. The worst part is that I know how it will be when we actually start the treatment, he gets quite excited then and actually quite into all of the procedures and stuff, especially when we do the embryo transfer. But in the lead up I do all the work, I make all the effort for positive dialogue and thoughts and feelings, and when they fail I feel so horrendously guilty.

I don’t even know if this posting is making any sense, I’m pretty upset and have been having a good cry about it. I just feel so alone and guilty and shit for doing this to us and I don’t know if I have the strength to drag him kicking and screaming through another IVF. Its hard enough on me as it is without having to do all the emotional leg work all by myself. I just don’t think I can comfort either of us anymore by saying that one day when we have our baby he’ll be glad that I forced him through this.

I’m sorry, I’m really making him sound like a horrible person right now and he truly isn’t, I’m just feeling extremely resentful and guilty and pissed off and very very alone. Oh yes and selfish! Lets not forget selfish, I feel like I’m being incredibly selfish for doing another IVF when he’s, on many occasions told me he is happy to live without a child and he only does this for me.

Sorry, vent now over.

December 9, 2008
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15 Comments

  • Reply Lea White

    Oh Sharon, I’m so sorry that you are feeling so very alone in your journey. There is no way I can ever understand your journey, but I just wanted to pop in and say hi and offer you my hugs, thoughts and prayers!

    xxx

    December 9, 2008 at 7:53 am
  • Reply howilost30kg

    Oh hon! (((HUGS))) I’m so sorry you are feeling so alone! I know saying that we are all here for you is no comfort. But don’t see it as your fault, you guys are in this together, and sometimes people deal with situations differently. Try not to feel guilty, you are in no way being selfish, and like you said, if the baby comes he will be so glad you did it. I don’t get the feeling that he doesn’t want to go through another IVF, he’s just grumpy because of all the bucks, he will get over it, it’s just money in any case and by the time your next IVF starts all will be forgotten. Hang in there, this time of year is already hectic in terms of anxiety and resentment etc, it’s only being made worse by your impending IVF. You will get though this! (((HUGS)))

    December 9, 2008 at 8:04 am
  • Reply Lesley

    We haven’t been through nearly what you guys have but I understand exactly what you are saying. My DH would also be fine with no kids but it is me who has the desparate need to nuture and who wants to spend every cent on IVF. I try to save for it on my own but then end up feeling resentful as my whole bonus dissappears. Big hug.

    December 9, 2008 at 8:43 am
  • Reply ^WiseGuy^

    Oh Sweetie, just keep your strength! Men do not really express their anxiety in same tones as women. And trust me, he will come arou are not alone. Please don’t do this to yourself. You keep up your hopes and it will rub off on him as well. He is okay with no kids and is doing this just for you? Make it clear that coercion is really not your style, and you believe that both of you will make great parents!

    December 9, 2008 at 8:52 am
  • Reply ^WiseGuy^

    Sorry, made a mistake in typing: Read the prev comment as:

    And trust me, he will come around. You are not alone. Please don’t do this to yourself.

    December 9, 2008 at 8:53 am
  • Reply Amanda

    Hi Hon, my heart just breaks for you right now! He’s probably doing this for self protection, and he knows what you went through in the past, and not realising how much it’s hurting you. All I can offer are hugs, lots and lots of hugs!! And none of this is your fault, you have enough to deal with without feeling guilty ontop of that, be kind to yourself hon. (((((HUGS)))))

    December 9, 2008 at 9:04 am
  • Reply Abbey

    Oh my word Sharon….I think my husband might be W’s twin! We have had exactly the same conversations after this last cancelled ivf and my hubbys response was identical to W’s! I know exactly how you feel about the guilt and the uncertainty of putting him through the emotional and financial expense of yet another ivf when he’s only doing it to ‘make you happy.’ My hubby does not even want to get a second opinion from Vitalab in the New Year and said “cant they just grow it in a bottle for us and save us wasting more money when it’s not going to work again because the problem is still going to be there”….the problem he was referring to is me and my crappy uterus! He says “of course Dr G will say you must go see him for a second opinion, it’s so he can take more of our money. But Babe, if you want to it’s up to you.” So Sharon, I know EXACTLY what you mean and I am also carrying the burden of making that difficult decision of ‘do we carry on.’ I think at the end of the day our partners promised to love us in sickness and in health and we should not give up our dreams before we are ready if it means we will never find peace within ourselves. Our husbands dont say these things to make us feel guilty or alone because they truly only want us to be happy. I think men find it hard when there is nothing they can do to help us and even the money they are handing over is not bringing us happiness but instead more sorrow and heartache. I cannot give you advice on how to ease the guilt because I am living with it too. I do hope that by knowing yourself and hubby are not unique in your feelings will help you realise that we are all human and we are not perfect. We have to make our way through these troubled times as best we can and love each other as much as we can in spite of everything. I beleive in love above everything else and that will get you and W through this if you beleive it. 2009 will be better for you and I…it has to be!

    Sending you a big hug filled with special love.
    X Abbey

    December 9, 2008 at 9:19 am
  • Reply Adel

    I can so relate to this!!

    GOOD LUCK MY FRIEND!

    December 9, 2008 at 11:51 am
  • Reply Katherine

    No matter how supportive our hubbies are, they can never quite be 100% there. This isn’t what he or you wants to hear but I think everyone always has some or other necessity that crops up and eats away one’s bonus (whether it’s needy family-know you have that too so sorry, an unexpected house disaster or whatever) so, yes, for some of us our lot in life is to spend our money on fertility stuff and it’s the worst, because it comes with no guarantees, except the assurance that if it works, you will never again have any spare money as every last cent will be lavished on that little bundle/s!!!! I know it’s easy for me to sit and make comments from the “other side” but I just pray that you will one day (very soon)be here with me.

    December 9, 2008 at 12:07 pm
  • Reply samcy

    My friend, I know it seems futile and that you’re alone but I think Amanda has hit the nail on the head. I think that W is doing this and saying things like that to protect his heart and to protect you from getting hurt again. I do however feel that you both need to give yourselves this shot! Your family is close. You’re NEARLY there, please please please don’t give up now.

    Love you BOTH lots and lots!
    xxx

    December 9, 2008 at 12:08 pm
  • Reply Antigone

    Wouldn’t you feel more like kak if you gave up before *you* were ready?

    December 9, 2008 at 2:29 pm
  • Reply C

    I’m sorry Sharon. No matter how much they love us, men relate to this in a different way. The biggest issue for them is often the money.We too had numerous disagreements about the money aspect of IF treatment, we made so many sacrifices for treatment, some of them which impacted negatively on him.

    I think they also sometimes use the money issue as a cover for their true emotions, they too are concerned about what is going to happen, they worry about what we have to go through and if heaven forbit it does not work they don’t want to see our hearts broken for the 1000th time because they feel helpless amidst our pain, so they hide all these emotions with mumblings about money and how long still.

    You are not selfish just focused on what you want and when the time comes he will be on the same page. You know I always preferred to do everything in my treatment on my own, DH was only there when he absolutely had to be, it’s just easier, men are impatient and complain about everything.

    For now take it 1 day at a time and when the IVF bus comes around, W will be ready.

    December 9, 2008 at 5:16 pm
  • Reply Kirsty Weaver

    I’m so, so sorry Sharon. I have nothing to say, just wanted to give you a virtual hug through the computer. ((((( ))))))
    I’m sorry you have to go through this, and I could never begin to understand how awful it must feel… but I am thinking about you and keeping you in my prayers. xx

    December 9, 2008 at 9:21 pm
  • Reply neesie

    Hi Sharon,
    Longtime lurker, but had to comment because your pain really strikes a cord with me.
    I remember being in that dark place of sadness and guilt. My DH seemed disengaged in the process of treatments and it was truly difficult for him to get my desperate need for a child. I felt guilty for being unable to accept life without a child and v guilty for being the reason we couldn’t conceive. Honestly, I was the driver behind every app and treatment and I did feel v alone sometimes.
    It has taken me this long(my son is 8) to understand that God does not want me to hold on to this, because it is a lie. It is not for our account.
    I know you would do anything to change this, anything! It is not your fault!
    DH is a fantastic father, adored his boy from day 1. So will W!
    Always thinking of you. Prayers.
    x

    December 9, 2008 at 10:49 pm
  • Reply neesie

    Sorry, should say …….my son is 8 years old, not that weird, inappropriate smiling face. Computers! who needs them!

    December 9, 2008 at 10:51 pm
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