I’m going through a phase in the waiting game that is proving so hard. We had our top up assessment with our Social Worker in March last year and went officially back onto the waiting list in April last year, so in all we’ve been waiting about 9 – 10 months.
Up till recently the wait had been fairly easy but with each passing day it’s proving more and more difficult.
We’re about as ready as we’ll ever be. Ava is over 2 years old, which prior to my years of infertility I’d always felt was a “nice” age gap between siblings. Having one be at an age where they are able to feed themselves, express what it is that they need etc and then having a small baby. Obviously, on the path we’re traveling, one doesn’t really get to choose these things.
And then I always remind myself of something a friend once told me about having a baby. She likened the timing of a baby’s arrival to a scene from Lord of The Rings, when Gandolf the wizard arrives in town, one of the boys comings running up to him as he rides into town on his horse, exclaiming: “Gandolf, you’re late!” To which Gandolf replies: “My boy, a wizard is never early or late, he is always perfectly on time!”
I know this to be true from Ava’s placement. As much as I’d yearned, prayed, begged, pouted, sulked and pleaded for her. She arrived perfectly timed into our lives.
And I know I just need to be patient but it really does feel like now would be a pretty good time. We’ve sold our house and are moving in the next two months. The reason for the sale of our house is 2 fold. Firstly to have a bigger garden for Ava to play in and secondly to have an additional bedroom for the eminent (hopefully) arrival of our new addition.
Then there is the eternally superstitious infertile in me that looks for signs everywhere. I’ve been having terrible dead baby dreams lately, where I wake up with my face wet with tears and a heavy feeling of grief in my heart. Each time I’ve told someone about these dreams they remind me that dreams of death are often symbolic of birth and I feel the little flame of hope flicker inside me.
I look for reassurance and clues from our SW’s often. I analyze everything that is said to me desperate to find a hint or a clue of what is to come. Over December our SW sent me a message saying that it was time for Ava to have a sibling. My heart skipped a beat and I’ve been clinging to that ever since.
In infertility circles, there is a thing called the “What the F*ck?” appointment. It’s basically a follow up appointment with your fertility specialist after an IVF has failed, where he runs through what went well, what didn’t go well, what protocols to change for the next attempt while you’re sitting there thinking WHAT THE F*CK?. Well, I have a similar telephonic appointment with my SW’s every second month. I call it the “where is my baby” phone call.
I always try to think of a reason to give them a call. I don’t want to come off as whiny so I make up some excuse to give them a call, mostly it’s for my own reassurance, to make sure they haven’t forgotten about us, to keep us in the forefront of their minds. Today I phoned to discuss whether or not we should update our adoption profile with newer photo’s of Ava in case BM’s are being put off by the fact that Ava looks very young in all the photo’s. I also managed to try and
subtly let them know that we are serious about this placement and have even sold our home and are moving in order to ensure that our new baby will have a room of his/her own.
The waiting to adopt is like the 2 week wait after an IVF, multiplied by a 1000 and then times-ed by the months of waiting as apposed to the weeks. It is a serious test on my patience.
And there are times when I’m in such a heightened state of excitement for what could lie ahead. When I think back on Ava’s placement, I’m struck by what a miserable year had lead up to her birth. I had my 4th fresh IVF in March of that year, Ava was conceived right around the time that my IVF failed. I was so desperately miserable I wasn’t sure I was going to make it. I had a FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) in the October that resulted in a positive pregnancy and later a miscarriage and I was convinced the year would end on a massive low after yet another loss. All the while Ava was busy making her way to us and we didn’t even know.
Right now, there could be a child out there trying to find it’s way to us. And that fills me with hope!