Stop The Roller Coaster, I Want To Get Off

Posted in Infertility by

Today is not a very good day, I’m afraid there’s another pity party on the way. I’m tired, I’m beyond tired, I’m sick and tired of infertility, I want the journey to end now, I’m very tempted to make the journey stop right now.

But perhaps the way I’m feeling also has a lot to do with personal circumstance, or rather other people’s circumstance that is forced onto me and where I am in the 2ww. So let me try and explain………..

I’m on cycle day 22 today, up until yesterday I was feeling ok with it, safe with the knowledge that we’d done everything in our personal capacity to have the best possible outcome. I was also feeling comforted by the lovely reassuring signs that something was happening, not necessarily early pregnancy symptoms, potentially signs of PMS as well, but a least it was something, better than nothing. My boobs were unbelievably sore, I’m tearful and I’ve been constipated (TMI sorry) and although all of these symptoms could be nothing, at least I had something to obsess about, some familiar feelings. Then I had one of those, sit bolt up right in bed, eyes wide open, 3am realizations this morning……… My boobs are no longer sore, its only cd22, even by my standards that is odd. In a normal, non pregnant cycle, I carry my sore boobs at least until cd25 sometimes right up till the great arrival. On a medicated cycle the sensitivity never leaves. So I’m guessing I’m on my way to AF. This in itself already got me thinking this morning, I’m so tired of this, its been 6 years of this, I just don’t how many more months I can go through this. I’m so tired of feeling this way. I’m so tired of going through the same motions over and over again.

So off W and I toddle to the gym, at 5am, I must add! (Yay me!) Where W and I proceed to have a long discussion while peddling furiously on the bikes, about where to from here. Should we continue to try alone, should we get our specialist, the lovely Dr G, involved again or should we just give up all together. I have to say, the thought of quitting all together is becoming more and more appealing. This time a year ago, even entertaining the idea of giving up would send me into a flat panic, now, its feeling a lot more comfortable to think/feel that way.  Anyway, we decide to go ahead and contact Dr G again, see what he suggests and then take it from there. So of course, the question of money is raised again, because as well all know, fertility treatment does not come cheap. Even a timed cycle with monitoring scans and a couple of meds can set you back over R1000. And if we’re going to go the IUI route its going to be a good couple a thousand rands or if we go the medicated route, we’re looking at the same scenario. But hey, not to worry, we’re approaching bonus time and work, so I should be able to set aside enough money for a good few rounds of treatment, but what if we have to go with the big IVF guns again…….. we don’t have that kind of money lying around, so it will be back to hardcore saving, scriping and scraping to get the cash for that.

Anyway, so we come back from the gym and although I’m a little bit tearful and actually allowing myself to entertain the self pitying thoughts of why me, the ultimate slap in the face happens… We get an SMS from W’s sister, their baby is very sick, they haven’t paid their medical aid in two months because they’re so broke, they’re debted up to their ears, their first child has not even started with any form of formal education, despite the fact that he turns 5 this year, because they can’t afford it. But they made the decision about a year and a half ago, that apparently all a child needs is love to survive (get educated, medical care, eat, have shelter etc etc) and so despite their dire situation, they decided to have another baby. All of this of course happening while I was going through round after round of unpleasant IVF and IUI. And guess who gets the baby? Not the happily married, financially stable infertile couple. NO! So now for the second time in the last two months, we’ve had to give them our hard earned money to bail them out of the sh*t. Our hard earned money that supposed to be going towards trying to achieve our dream of having a child, is going towards what I have begun to feel is their bundle of blackmail. Because if you refuse to help, then you have the threat of having something bad happen to their baby and it being our responsibility, you get to have that over your conscience.

I know this post must sound incredibly bitter and selfish, but you know, I’m almost tempted to say I don’t care. I’m just so tired, its been 6 years of the same sh*t over and over again. And not just my infertility sh*t, but with family and other people’s babies that somehow land up being mine and W’s responsibility when all we want to do is focus on trying to have a child of our own…

Sorry everyone, I promise I’ll get a grip and stop such a selfish, horrible person tomorrow.  I love my newphews, and would do anything for them, I’m just tired of having their parents bad planning and decisions be our responsibility when we have a HUGE enough hurdle that we’re trying to climb ourselves.

July 22, 2008
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18 Comments

  • Reply samcy

    My friend, I wish I had the right words to give you comfort and solace right now… All I can say is that you are 100% entitled to the “pity party” and you have every right to your feelings. I’m thinking of you and praying that this ends for you with a live healthy baby. HUGS!!!

    July 22, 2008 at 10:01 am
  • Reply Elize

    Hon, as Sam said, you have every right to have a pity party, this has been a loooong journey and no end in sight, and it’s made worse by people using you playing at your sympathies. This journey is disheartening and depressing, and I don’t blame you for wanting to give up.

    It sounds as if your SIL is using you. If they wanted to, they could have taken the baby to a provincial hospital. They just don’t want to, because they have a cash cow, and saying no is going to be one of the most difficult things for you guys to do, but it will have to happen because the situation will never resolve itself. What will happen to them when you guys aren’t there anymore? (NZ)

    My heart breaks for you Sharon.

    With a new day comes new hope.

    ((((HUGS))))

    July 22, 2008 at 11:25 am
  • Reply Tam

    I’m not surprised that you want to get off, we haven’t been through everything you have and sometimes I want to get off too!

    My thoughts are with you sweetie, this is all so incredibly unfair and I mean it when I say that I wish it weren’t so, I so wish that you were on the “otherside” of this, you can bitch and moan as much as you like, hell….we’ll come bitch and moan with you and you can count on one of us bringing chocolate too!

    My friend, don’t give up just yet, you deserve to have a baby to love and cherish. I know in my heart that your turn will come and I hope that it’s soon.

    Big big hugs!

    July 22, 2008 at 12:30 pm
  • Reply Lianne

    Sorry that you are having such a hard time.

    July 22, 2008 at 1:30 pm
  • Reply Roz

    Sharon, I am so very sorry that you are feeling this way today. Know that you are in my thoughts and I am sending you big (((hugs)))!!!

    July 22, 2008 at 1:55 pm
  • Reply emilythehopeless

    sending lots of hugs

    July 22, 2008 at 2:12 pm
  • Reply Martie

    Hi Sharon. I really hope that you will feel better soon. You ahe all the right in the world to fel bad and to have a little pity party right now. And you knwo what. I think that is sooooo selfish of THEM and not of you!!! I canot believe that they decide o do that to teh children. I know it is your family but maybe you should have a word with them. I hope that you will be blessed soon. Take care of yourself! xxx

    July 22, 2008 at 2:22 pm
  • Reply charne

    O sharon I wish i knew what to say… i understand that sometimes this journey/ride is hard and sometimes you just want to stop all together! sometimes things just do not make sense! and sometimes we cannot help but ask WHY WHY WHY WHY and WHEN is our turn WHEN WHEN WHEN!

    I hope things get better and than you and W get clarity on what way to go next….

    PHILPIANS 4 V 6-7

    DO NOT BE ANXIOUS ABOUT ANYTHING, BUT IN EVERYTHING, BY PRAYER AND PETION WITH THANKSGIVING, PRESENT YOUR REQUEST TO GOD. AND THE PEACE OF GOD, WHICH TRANCENDS ALL UNDERSTANDING, WILL GUARD YOUR HEARTS AND YOUR MINDS IN CHRIST JESUS

    July 22, 2008 at 3:30 pm
  • Reply Maritza

    Shaz, how you stay sane I don’t know? I’m going on 1.8 years and I’m already losing my mind.

    Storms like ur having now is part of the territory you are so well acquainted with, territory that you have crossed several times before, and survived to be a stronger woman.

    You have to trust your ability to pull through as you’ve done so many times before and your resourcefulness to make something meaningful from this muddle of pain. I know you can do it. And if that means giving up, that’s also ok. There is no shame in saying – no more. Only you will know when that time has come.

    Wishing you all the strength in the world.

    Luv & Hugs,

    M

    July 22, 2008 at 4:14 pm
  • Reply MamaSoon

    I am so very sorry you are having such a shitty time. I identify with much of what you say and I hope you find peace and happiness soon. I wish I could blow peace your way.

    July 22, 2008 at 4:38 pm
  • Reply Joni

    Oh Shaz, how awful! Yes you’re definitely entitled to a pity party. Murphy your law sucks…..

    Thinking of you Honey!!

    July 22, 2008 at 5:25 pm
  • Reply Amy

    I just want to give you a hug. I’m so sorry for all of this. I know the feeling of family laying their problems on you and expecting you to take responsibility for their choices. It’s hard to say yes, and harder to say no, and you feel like crap either way. I wish I had some wisdom to share, but please accept my heartfelt hugs in place of assvice.

    July 22, 2008 at 5:33 pm
  • Reply shawna

    I had a very similar pity party myself a few days ago. Why are people that can’t or won’t take care of their children blessed with so much? It’s so ridiculous that I often wonder if like isn’t one big cruel joke.

    July 22, 2008 at 6:10 pm
  • Reply kimbosue

    I hate those ungrateful bitches that can pop out babies when they sneeze. And even more those that have children already that they can’t manage to take care of. GRRRR. Just means we will be the best-est mommies EVER when we have our babies!!

    July 22, 2008 at 7:40 pm
  • Reply surrogatemother

    I’m so sorry for all of this.

    July 22, 2008 at 8:04 pm
  • Reply BrandiH207

    I’m so sorry you’re feeling so down today. I can understand how that would frustrate you. And also how you become more comfortable with the thought of giving up. Some times we just need a break. I hope your nephew gets better and that your family can learn that babies need more than just love to survive.

    July 23, 2008 at 1:02 am
  • Reply Sian

    Shaz I missed this yesterday. I hope you are feeling a bit better. Sometimes things just get too much and it’s like the last straw…..and we crack. And it’s okay to crack. Lotsa love

    July 23, 2008 at 4:11 pm
  • Reply Sweetpea

    Oh, no wonder you’re tired – 6 years on the ART roller coaster! Although I had spent a decade longing for a family (while single), spending 6 months on the IVF roller coaster felt enough. The longing for a child is of course still there, but so is the huge relief of not going back to the RE and knowing that I tried my best. There is no easy answer, is there… but no matter what road you end up taking, make sure W is there with you at each step. I hope your week is getting better and that it feels less heavy soon.

    July 23, 2008 at 8:14 pm
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