Today is not a very good day, I’m afraid there’s another pity party on the way. I’m tired, I’m beyond tired, I’m sick and tired of infertility, I want the journey to end now, I’m very tempted to make the journey stop right now.
But perhaps the way I’m feeling also has a lot to do with personal circumstance, or rather other people’s circumstance that is forced onto me and where I am in the 2ww. So let me try and explain………..
I’m on cycle day 22 today, up until yesterday I was feeling ok with it, safe with the knowledge that we’d done everything in our personal capacity to have the best possible outcome. I was also feeling comforted by the lovely reassuring signs that something was happening, not necessarily early pregnancy symptoms, potentially signs of PMS as well, but a least it was something, better than nothing. My boobs were unbelievably sore, I’m tearful and I’ve been constipated (TMI sorry) and although all of these symptoms could be nothing, at least I had something to obsess about, some familiar feelings. Then I had one of those, sit bolt up right in bed, eyes wide open, 3am realizations this morning……… My boobs are no longer sore, its only cd22, even by my standards that is odd. In a normal, non pregnant cycle, I carry my sore boobs at least until cd25 sometimes right up till the great arrival. On a medicated cycle the sensitivity never leaves. So I’m guessing I’m on my way to AF. This in itself already got me thinking this morning, I’m so tired of this, its been 6 years of this, I just don’t how many more months I can go through this. I’m so tired of feeling this way. I’m so tired of going through the same motions over and over again.
So off W and I toddle to the gym, at 5am, I must add! (Yay me!) Where W and I proceed to have a long discussion while peddling furiously on the bikes, about where to from here. Should we continue to try alone, should we get our specialist, the lovely Dr G, involved again or should we just give up all together. I have to say, the thought of quitting all together is becoming more and more appealing. This time a year ago, even entertaining the idea of giving up would send me into a flat panic, now, its feeling a lot more comfortable to think/feel that way. Anyway, we decide to go ahead and contact Dr G again, see what he suggests and then take it from there. So of course, the question of money is raised again, because as well all know, fertility treatment does not come cheap. Even a timed cycle with monitoring scans and a couple of meds can set you back over R1000. And if we’re going to go the IUI route its going to be a good couple a thousand rands or if we go the medicated route, we’re looking at the same scenario. But hey, not to worry, we’re approaching bonus time and work, so I should be able to set aside enough money for a good few rounds of treatment, but what if we have to go with the big IVF guns again…….. we don’t have that kind of money lying around, so it will be back to hardcore saving, scriping and scraping to get the cash for that.
Anyway, so we come back from the gym and although I’m a little bit tearful and actually allowing myself to entertain the self pitying thoughts of why me, the ultimate slap in the face happens… We get an SMS from W’s sister, their baby is very sick, they haven’t paid their medical aid in two months because they’re so broke, they’re debted up to their ears, their first child has not even started with any form of formal education, despite the fact that he turns 5 this year, because they can’t afford it. But they made the decision about a year and a half ago, that apparently all a child needs is love to survive (get educated, medical care, eat, have shelter etc etc) and so despite their dire situation, they decided to have another baby. All of this of course happening while I was going through round after round of unpleasant IVF and IUI. And guess who gets the baby? Not the happily married, financially stable infertile couple. NO! So now for the second time in the last two months, we’ve had to give them our hard earned money to bail them out of the sh*t. Our hard earned money that supposed to be going towards trying to achieve our dream of having a child, is going towards what I have begun to feel is their bundle of blackmail. Because if you refuse to help, then you have the threat of having something bad happen to their baby and it being our responsibility, you get to have that over your conscience.
I know this post must sound incredibly bitter and selfish, but you know, I’m almost tempted to say I don’t care. I’m just so tired, its been 6 years of the same sh*t over and over again. And not just my infertility sh*t, but with family and other people’s babies that somehow land up being mine and W’s responsibility when all we want to do is focus on trying to have a child of our own…
Sorry everyone, I promise I’ll get a grip and stop such a selfish, horrible person tomorrow. I love my newphews, and would do anything for them, I’m just tired of having their parents bad planning and decisions be our responsibility when we have a HUGE enough hurdle that we’re trying to climb ourselves.