The first 5 years of my walk with infertility were quite possibly the hardest years of my life. I was challenged daily and felt beat down constantly! There was so much angst, so much gnashing of teeth,beating of my chest and tearing of my hair, asking over and over again… why? Why me? Why is this happening? Why can’t I have a baby? Why can’t I be like everyone else? Why have I been burdened with recurrent pregnancy loss? Why??? Why??? Why???
I was at war, with myself and with my circumstances and I was fighting with every inch of what my spirit had to win the war. Every day was consumed by thoughts of how to win, how to beat infertility and RPL, how to overcome, how to get over this massive mountain that stood before me. And I did the only thing I knew how to do. I fought! With every fibre of my being, I fought against the hand I’d been dealt.
At some point, and I can’t actually pinpoint exactly when, something happened. There was a subtle shift in my my being and I just stopped fighting. I did not stop trying but I stopped fighting. I surrendered to the battle, never realising that in that surrender I would ultimately win the war.
With my surrender came peace. I was able to just be with the hand that I was dealt. Like a swimmer fighting the tide and getting bashed against the rocks on the shore, when I surrendered and allowed myself to go with the flow, instead of being beaten against the rocks at the shore, I was able to move with the tide and ultimately the tide of my surrender was able to wash me up onto the rocks and assisted me in winning the war of my infertility.
In hindsight I didn’t loose the battle when I surrendered, I gained strength and character and learned lessons that have helped me in so many area’s of my life. Ultimately, my surrender in battle helped me win a war that has been by far the greatest test of my character in my life so far!
After last Friday’s post, I’ve been reminding myself of the importance of surrender. You see, I’m by nature, a fighter. It’s in my make up, it’s how I was made. I am one determined individual and I’ve overcome many obstacles in my life simply by fighting. By baring down and fighting with everything in me to overcome. But I’ve also learned from my walk with infertility that not all wars can be won by fighting, some wars are won by surrender.
I needed to remind myself of that after last week’s little pity party. I need to surrender to our second adoption journey. It is the only way that I can win this war without getting beaten. It’s the only way that I can come out the other side. I have no control over this journey, any more than I did on the first journey. I need to surrender because ultimately what will be will be and I have no control over that.
A very wise reader left this comment on my post on Friday and it really struck a chord with me and reminded me of the importance of my surrender:
“Life has no favourites -on some of its days it let’s u bask in the sun and on other days it smashes you on the rocks -BUT secured in the Fathers love we can say “Do your worst, I’m not going to hide in the shadows hoping that if I feed ‘fear’ he will eat me last and allow me to go thru life so pitifully careful that I get to deaths door safely-No, for me to live is Christ, to die is gain”
There is no fear in my surrender to this journey, only absolute peace.