Despite what some may think, being a new mom is not all a bed of roses. You cannot really understand the emotions that go with crossing over until you’ve been there yourself. You may think you have you know what it feels like, all the emotions involved, but to be honest, you probably don’t. I know I thought I could imagine what it would be like and crossing over has been nothing like what I imagined it would be.
Am I happy? Hell yes.
Am I completely in love with my daughter? Absolutely.
But there are a lot of other conflicting emotions that go along with it, infertility has been a part of my life for just short of a decade and as fast as it all started, it ended just as quickly, leaving me with a myrid mix of emotions to work through. I also have survivors guilt. When I see the joy my IF sisters have for my good fortune, I feel guilty for having made it to the other side, to the side so many long to be on and yet just can’t get there. I’m not sure if my guilt is fuelled by the joys others have expressed for me, or the envy that has come from some sectors. Sometimes I wonder if half of what I interpret as a slick, under handed attempt to be spiteful or mean spirited has more to do with my survivor guilt that it has to do with what has been said.
All I know is that I’ve lived under a shroud of guilt for the last 3 weeks and I’ve decided I’m not going to do it anymore. The crappy journey ends for all of us, one way or another, at one time or another. It has ended for me and its my time to be happy and I’m going to work VERY hard at not feeling guilty about that.