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Taking a Time Out

I’m sure you noticed, the last few weeks have been rough, really rough, they rank up there with the crappest months following my last miscarriage. So tonight, when, for the umpteenth time, W and I discussed all of this sh*t and the tears welled up again and ran down my cheeks and the anxiety balled in a knot in my stomach and I felt the panic attack almost explode out of me, when all I could think about was where I’d put the paper bag I needed to breathe into, there was one voice I could hear in my head and it just kept saying ENOUGH, ENOUGH, ENOUGH.

Of course, I’m not so good with listening to that voice, my natural instinct is to want to push ahead, to keep trying, to do whatever I have to do to speed up my progress, to get to the end of this particular journey. I’ve fallen into that trap once before two years ago. After my last miscarriage, I felt the only way I could cope with my friends pregnancies and with passing my due date (5th July) without being overwhelmed by the pain and the hurt, was to do everything possible to try and get pregnant. In the space of 8 months we did 3 IVF’s and 3 IUI’s. During that time I almost destroyed W, I almost trashed my marriage and I came damn close to almost destroying myself in the process.

Tonight, in the midst of the sadness, panic and depression, I managed to listen to the voice and recognize that I stand on the presipiss of falling back into that old habit of going full steam ahead regardless of the consequences. The day after my spotting started with this failed IVF, I started temping and charting again. I don’t want to do that, I don’t want to travel down that road again, I don’t want to be that person again.

So after some discussion with W, we have decided to take a time out from TTC.  We have a busy two months ahead and have decided to put all TTC plans on hold for now. This weekend my family are coming to visit, I haven’t seen my parents since December.  The following weekend I’m going to the spa with my BB buddies, the weekend after that we fly down to Cape Town for a week, the weekend after we come back we’re going away for the weekend and two weeks after that its my birthday. I’m also in the process of convincing W that the perfect birthday gift for a barren bitch like me is a “pretend” baby, my ideal pretend baby is a little Chihuahua.

So I have a busy couple of months ahead, and perhaps by the end of June I will have a better idea of how I want to progress, for now, my emotions are such a mess and my mind so busy that I can’t be still and make a decision.

Not now.

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19 Comments

  • Reply Kristin

    Not now is the best decision you could make. I personally have found that decisions I make in the midst of turmoil come back to bight me in the ass.

    I hope this break gives you a chance to relax and reconnect. {{{Hugs}}} and thinking of you.

    April 8, 2009 at 6:11 am
  • Reply stacey

    I hope you enjoy a great visit with your family this weekend, as well as all the other travels and celebrations coming up. You certainly deserve a break and some time to take care of YOU! The decisions will be there waiting for you when you’re ready to face them head-on.

    HUGS

    April 8, 2009 at 6:13 am
  • Reply Lea White

    I’m so glad you are just going to take a bit of “You” time.

    Hugs, prayers and lots and lots of positive thoughts as always!

    April 8, 2009 at 7:30 am
  • Reply Hela

    Sharon, I think this is the best decision you can make right now. Enjoy your family and time with W and yourself.
    Thinking of you always!
    (Hugs)

    April 8, 2009 at 8:13 am
  • Reply Michelle

    You have made a difficult decision Shaz but in light of how busy you going to be – I think it’s perfect. Take time out for yourself and to “rediscover” the inner you and W too.
    Enjoy the family time my friend – you need the love and comfort they can give you right now.

    April 8, 2009 at 8:18 am
  • Reply Rach

    I agree with the others, I’m glad you’re taking some “me” time.

    Please be at peace with your decision….and enjoy the next few months.

    xxx

    April 8, 2009 at 8:45 am
  • Reply Abbey

    Sounds like a sensible plan Sharon. You are so strong to overcome what your heart wants with what your head is telling you is right. That is half the battle won right there. Enjoy the break. I think it’s going to be great for both you and W for ‘right now’

    April 8, 2009 at 8:52 am
  • Reply Lesley

    So glad you’re doing this! When panic attacks start you need some YOU time.

    I also fully support the idea of a fur-baby. My little placebo babies, Jason and Juliette made a huge difference to my well-being and they make me laugh everyday. Instead of googling, “chance of success of failed IVF” I start googling “is it normal for a puppy to …”

    My husband keeps on saying that it is so good to have me back.

    1 x chihuahua for Sharon!

    April 8, 2009 at 9:28 am
  • Reply Adi

    Lesley: exactly! I did the same thing. We got two puppies and a kitten in the last two and a half years, and my Googling was all about house training and stopping the chewing and ear infections and what have you. MUCH MUCH better. Not to mention that they just take up your time, and you can cuddle them, and they are, in the best way possible, definitely kids, at least in our household. Sharon: I wish you much strength. And enjoy this breathing space. It’s all good.

    April 8, 2009 at 11:27 am
  • Reply Murgdan

    This sounds like what you need…good choice. I’m also loving the idea of a new puppy ;-)…but you are right, in all seriousness, it sounds like you need some time to heal before moving forward–in which ever direction that is.

    April 8, 2009 at 11:31 am
  • Reply Sandy

    Congratulations, Sharon, on making an incredibly difficult choice. As promised, I will stand by you and hold your hand to support your first wobbly steps as you get off of the ttc rollercoaster, even if it’s only a short break. A puppy is a good choice though we’re personally more fond of cats since they’re way easier. But you’ll have such a wonderful time and there is no way to look at a puppy without smiling. Huge hugs!

    April 8, 2009 at 12:05 pm
  • Reply Adel

    Good luck Shaz!

    April 8, 2009 at 12:54 pm
  • Reply skrambled

    I think that it is an excellent decision Sharon. Enjoy!

    April 8, 2009 at 12:58 pm
  • Reply loribeth

    I’m so glad you’re doing this — & it sounds like you have some things planned to look forward to. Enjoy!

    April 8, 2009 at 3:34 pm
  • Reply Stefanie

    Excellent Sharon, glad to see that you’ve made your decision. Enjoy the time with the family!

    April 8, 2009 at 4:57 pm
  • Reply Shalini White

    Sometimes a time out is all the body and mind – oh lord the mind and the depression – needs to get back to ground zero. You may find yourself discovering yourself again, getting your fitness goals back on track, a new puppy would be adorable… and just “living” for once instead of surviving, going from grief and uncertainty and depression to more grief – never ending pit that we can’t seem to dig ourselves out of. (I’ve been diagnosed with depression also, but am unmedicated, unfortunately?). If your depression is anything like mine, it festers beneath the surface and weeks/months can go by before I end up with a complete meltdown and that….that isn’t good.

    I hope you and W have a good, down to earth, back to ground zero months off TTC. Rediscovering your marriage is also so paramount, something I’ve only been able to do now, as you know we started the year off with M wanting a divorce.

    Sending you lots of hugs. It took strength to make this decision and I recognise that! xx

    April 8, 2009 at 5:46 pm
  • Reply Katherine

    Hi there

    Sorry I’ve been so quiet but I just can’t seem to find the right words and know that nothing can make the pain better. It breaks my heart, and now Elize as well, how absolutely awful, why why why. Please know that I think of you often and wish you a happy few months away from TTC. A word of warning, I ordered a chocolate lab puppy a few days after my 1st m/c and he’s extremely high maintenance – more demanding than any child, so beware of that furry bundle of joy, you may get more than you bargained for…

    April 8, 2009 at 7:53 pm
  • Reply CeCe Garrett

    Love you hun. Big girl points! ( thats something my best friend and I collect when we have to make big girl choices) You earned some big girl points.

    April 9, 2009 at 7:01 am
  • Reply monica lemoine

    Good plan, Shaz. I think some break time will be good for your heart and soul, and then you can reassess when you’re feeling mentally ready. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through all of this. ((hugs.))

    April 9, 2009 at 7:34 am
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