The Bad One

We’ve just finished our final couples therapy session for the year and wow what a revelation it has all been.  I think going forward, both Walter and I have committed to participating in a conscious marriage. Its done wonders for us, its like being newly weds all over again. Suddenly we see things in a new light and the negative under current that we have battled with for the past few years of our infertility seems to have been lifted by us having a better understanding of who we are as individuals and how we work together as a couple and what makes us tick.

We are polar opposites Walter and I and that is why we fit together so well. For a while we didn’t recognize that. We’re all a product of our upbringings. And Walter has learned, through his childhood experiences, that being the peace keeper is the way to go. He has learned that to not make decisions, to let someone else take the lead and to go with the flow was the easiest ways to deflect negativity and negative behaviour towards himself.

I have abandonment issues from something so simple that happened when I was a small child and which has been re-enforced over and over again throughout my life. I’ve always been an “outsider” of sorts. I’m an “outsider” within my own family and I’m an “outsider” within Walters family. And after becoming a mother I was also an “outsider” for a while while I battled to find my new place and had the painful experience of loosing close friendships. I think being a mother through adoption also sets me up for being an “outsider”.

This realization of how I’m always the “outsider” explained why I clung to my infertility community the way I did. Why I immersed myself in the community and why it hurt me so much when elements of my community turned their backs on me after Ava’s birth. Because once again, I was an “outsider” not part of the inner circle, not included, not invited to lunches and birthday parties and why it hurt me so much. I automatically went back to being the “bad one”, a role I have on a subconscious level fulfilled to some degree throughout the course of my life. I did what I knew how to do, in an attempt to protect my fragile heart, I lashed out, I tried to hurt back when I got hurt. Which in turn made it easy for me to be painted as the “bad one”.

Its ironic, looking back now, at my relationship with my mother, at my relationship with Walter, with my mother in law and with my friends and most especially my estranged friends, how I have followed these roles and made it easy for others to play the victim and paint me as the “bad one”. It was never more clear, than what is has been in the past year.

Of course, how I change that I’m not sure. Each one of us is guilty of this, on a subconscious level, fulfilling some kind of role that we always revert to throughout our lives. Walter is the peace keeper, I’m the bad outsider.

I think the therapy has been an eye opener for Walter as well. He has also been forced to face some of his demons and some of his anger and pain over our infertility and recurrent miscarriages.  He’s also had to face up to the part he has played within the downward spiral of my relationship with his mother. His desire for her approval and keeping the peace as meant that he has also made me the “bad one”.

Its been an amazing experience. We’ve been able to purge a lot of the pain and anger we have each carried over the last few years and have in the process, managed to break down the wall that was built between us.

I have also been able to work through a lot of the hurtful and unpleasant experiences I’ve had since becoming a mother, and move forward from that.

So we are both making the commitment to be married consciously.

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