In just over a month it will be my birthday, again. Ever wonder why that day seems to come around faster and faster every year? I remember, when I was younger, looking forward to my birthday, its funny how time marches on with or without us and how the years change us. My age never used to bother me, it was just a number but there was a fundamental shift in my thinking when I turned 35. Since then, I’ve no longer looked forward to birthdays, I dread them, I hate seeing my number clock higher and higher, I hate how I get closer and closer to 40 each year. Turning 36 was the weirdest birthday of my life, I CRIED! I was sad and depressed and my office through a surprise birthday breakfast for me, when they toasted with champers in the boardroom and asked how it was to be a year old, I actually shed a tear!!!!
I often wonder if my sadness at turning another year older has a lot to do with my infertility. I guess on some level it does scare me a lot. I mean, in just a few short months, W & I will be entering into our 8th year of TTC. I remember just barely surviving the first year of TTC, all of 30 years old, but thinking it wasn’t a big deal because I still had a good 10 years of TTC time left. Then before I knew it, we’d been TTC’ing for 4 years and I thought the world would end, I remember thinking that surely by the time we get to the 5th year we’ll have had success, 5 years is a LONG time. Then I turned 35 and we past the 5 years of TTCmark. I remember moving to my new clinic 6 months after turning 35 and having my new RE say that we had to hurry up with me as time was starting to run out. That stung and it was a sharp realization that I had to adopt a now or never approach.
Well hear I am, just over a month shy of my 37th birthday and now more than ever I realize time is running out for us. . The simple fact is that I’m not 30 years old anymore. I’m not even 32 or 33 years old anymore, I’m on the wrong side of 35, I’m on the downward slide to 40. I don’t have the time to enjoy long TTC breaks, we have to go balls to the walls because if the next 3 years pass as fast as the previous 7 years have past, then it will all be over in a blink of an eye and I could still be on a TTC break trying to decide what to do next.
I often look back at photo’s of my life and wonder where the time has gone, I can see the march of time on my face, especially in the last 10 years, the changes are fairly dramatic, I put together a little photo time-line to show you all:
Me @ 27, I wish I could still look like that!
Me @ 30, two months prior to the devastation of my first miscarriage.
Me @ 34, one week past my 6th devastating miscarriage.
Me, one month shy of my 37th birthday.
I know everyone will try and tell me age is just a number and I know that it is, I think the thing that bothers me the most is that I’m coming towards the end of another decade of my life and the one thing that most people achieve during this decade I’ve been unable to do.