I’m sure I speak for the bulk of infertiles when I say this….
Somewhere between coming off birth control in preparation for starting a family and your third/fourth/fifth IVF, something happens, you loose sight of something really really important. Think about this, and answer this question honestly to yourself (and I’m speaking to the harden IVF Vets here).
Now, years down the drag, a thousand disappointments tucked in your belt, what are you most focused on when thinking about starting a family??? I’ve spoken with a couple of my IF Vet Sista’s and I know there is a consensus. Somewhere during the injections and the heartache and the disappointment and the procedures, we stop thinking about having a baby as having a baby that will grown up to be a moody teenager, experiment with drugs or alcohol, loose their virginity and generally drive us nuts at times. In fact, I’d go so far as to say for me, and I’m sure I’m not alone, I pretty much even stopped thinking about the actual baby. All I thought about was putting one foot in front of the other. Having a treatment, getting a positive result, getting to the 7 week scan, seeing a heartbeat and so on and so on. See where I’m going? Somewhere in the midst that is infertility, we get so bogged down in the shit of an IVF that we forget about the end result. We think we know what the end result is – a baby, but we don’t really think much further than that.
I know I never thought about sleepless nights, pooey nappies, teething, bum cream or any of those things, I simply thought about the baby my heart longed for. And then, suddenly, I was thrust into motherhood and everything that it entails after more than 7 years of idealizing what it was going to be like. I was shocked to discover a number of things. Firstly that once you got the baby, you actually had to raise it, so you better get educated in what that entails and secondly that I’d spent so many years idealizing this time in my life and I was shocked and completely unprepared for how far from the ideal it actually is. Its hard, its the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Its overwhelming, its a huge responsibility, I look at this little person and each day it dawns on me more and more how huge the responsibility is, how important making the right decisions for her are. In an instant, life as we know it changes for ever.
Nobody can ever prepare you for motherhood! I know I’ve heard a thousand times how hard it is, how all consuming it is, so I’m surprised to discover that I never took that to heart, I never really understood just how hard, just how all consuming. And I’m certainly not complaining, just this evening, W and I stood over Ava’s cot while she slept and both had a little cry at our good fortune, at the beautiful miracle that has been brough into our lives, at the overwhelming love we feel for her.
And I know I’m not the only one that never fully grasped how hard it all was, thousands and thousands of women before me went into this ill prepared for what was coming there way and thousands after me will do the same. So, if there is one piece of assvice I wish I could pass on to my IF sisters who are to follow me into motherhood its this…….you’ll never be fully prepared for what you’re getting yourself into and that’s ok, you’ll also never be fully prepared for the immense love that grows everyday inside you when you look at your miracle child!
In closing, I’d just like to say that this: one of the words that has always been used to describe my blog is honest and I intend to keep it that way. I’m all about letting it all hang out and about telling the truth, no matter how ugly, shocking or surprising that may be. I think its a shame there aren’t more new mom’s out there who are willing to say that having a new baby isn’t always coming up roses, that sometimes its damn difficult. Instead when people ask what its like to be a mommy we tell them what they want to hear. I was asked the other day how I was finding motherhood, the person asking had this look of expectation on their face. Everyone seems to think that because I waited more than 7 years for Ava that its all moonlight and roses. They were pretty shocked when I told them at times I found it damn difficult! But that’s the truth isn’t it?