I’ve been informed that my posting yesterday was hurtful to some who are still in the trenches of infertility. I’d like to state categorically that it was never my intention to hurt anyone’s feelings with that posting. I may have a child, but I have not forgotten my almost 8 years of infertility, of treatments and failures and heartache and disappointments. I too, like so many of you out there, have been through the wringer, I did not get to the place of motherhood easily, I worked, I sweated blood and tears, I gotten beaten and gave up a million times. I lost my faith and regained it over and over again. I got angry at God, at the world.
I did not, contrary to some interpretation, make the statement that my “crossing over” (really hate that term, its like crossing the great divide, separating us into the us and them when at the end of the day we’re all war weary, battered and bruised) was fate or part of God’s plan. What I said was that the reason why my RE’s and homeopaths and Dr’s could never find anything wrong with me is because I was never meant to have a child that was genetically mine. I believe in destiny and it was always my destiny to be Ava’s mother. I’m so sorry for those of you who find this statement painful, but please understand, it is what it is and I won’t deny my beliefs and my feelings. What I will say is this.
I realize that not everyone will have the same ending to this journey, we are each placed on different paths, no two journeys are the same and no two outcomes will be the same. Some of us will become mothers, whether is be with a biological child, an adopted child, a surrogated child, an adopted embryo etc etc etc, some of us will not become mothers. Our journeys and outcomes will be different, neither one better or worse than the other, just different. To say that by not having a child you will not find meaning is tragic. I have ALWAYS believed that, even before becoming a mother, I always knew, believed that regardless of how my journey would end, I would live a happy meaningful life, whether it be as someones mother, or child free and not by choice. If you go back in my blog archives to my blog postings end 2008, you will see LOTS of blog postings about this topic. So say that you can’t find meaning if you can’t have a child is not just tragically sad but in a way, insulting to the many women out there who are living child free (not by choice) and who have very rich fulfilling lives. I take Pamela as a shining example of this very woman, she’s living a meaningful, full life and touching so many in the process. And, there are many women out there who are child free and still blessed, having a baby is not the only way to be blessed. Blessings come in a million different shapes and forms.
Please understand, this is my journey and this is my ending. I did not know my ending was so close and I did not ever think it would end the way that it did. But I have found my answers and my peace but they are my answers and my peace and should not be used to find answers for somebody elses journey, they should not be compared to what you are going through.
My wish and prayer for all my IF sisters who are still out there battling through the minefield that is infertility is this: that you too may, sooner than you think, find YOUR answers and YOUR peace that you have been searching for. The ending could be closer than you think…………
Just yesterday I headed off to the post office to go and collect our mail, I was surprised by another three packages, two for Ava and one for me. The two for Ava were such lovely surprises, gifts from women I have never met, women I never spoken to IRL, women who I only know through the computer.
Thank you so much Lesley for this lovely gift, the card is SO stunning I put it straight into her memory box!
And Trish for spoiling Ava with this butterfly and princess themed gift:
The last gift was for me, it was from Michelle, it had been sent in October last year, just after my miscarriage, it got lost in the mail and somehow reappeared now. How ironic the timing!
I smiled at the irony when I read the card, the last line says………. “try to focus on one day at a time and one day the sun will shine through”!
How ironic that within two months of this package being sent I’d be a mother, that the sun would indeed break through the storm clouds, that I would, indeed be able to see clearly now that the rain has gone. Every one of us will find our answers, our purpose, we cannot try to fit somebody elses answers and purpose to our lives, all we can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other, try not to make comparisons and keep believing that the end is here, just around the corner, just out of sight!
I think my ending is a testiment to that, I think that the outpouring of love and support that I have received over the past two and a half months speaks volumes of how my story, my answers have inspired others to keep going, to keep putting one foot in front of the other to get to their ending and their answers.