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The Things I Know For Certain…

There are three things I know for certain about my IF journey:

 1. W and I have a bond made of steel, there is no way we would have survived this if it weren’t for our 100% commitment and dedication to each other. Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t all been coming up roses, there have been some really tough times. But I think its things all IF couples go through. Because this journey is such an individual experience for each one of us, we all experience it differently and I think men and women also experience IF differently. Its a huge learning curve and we all pass through the various phases at different rates which also makes the journey difficult to cope with when you’re one part of a couple. The early years of our infertility I never ever want to go back to ever again, in fact I’d rather not have to relive any of it, but particularly the early years. My first miscarriage was such a shock that I cried for almost 3 weeks every single day, I know W used to come home from work and find me lying on the couch crying and I could see it really started to get to him, like when will this end. Also, having to experience the pregnancies of all our friends and the loss of friendships as they all graduated to fully fledged adults and parents while were were still the wannabe’s was really tough for both of us. I used to get really sad and depressed and W used to get really frustrated. The last year has been far easier, but I think this is for a number of reasons. Somewhere along the line, I came to a place of acceptance, don’t ask me how I accepted it, but somehow I managed to come to terms with my IF and accept that no amount of crying or asking why me was ever going to change it. That has made a HUGE difference to my emotional state, instead of being depressed about it on a daily basis, I get twinges of sadness every now and again, but for the most part I’m a pretty well adjusted, happy individual. The second thing that has made this year easier is that W and I no longer have any friends left from our pre IF years. They’ve all gone on to have one and two children and we no longer fit in there and slowly slowly the relationships fizzled out. So we are now always surrounded by childless and IF couples at social gatherings and this has made my IF far easier to cope with. Of course this is not a permanent solution but I guess time will tell how this will pan out. My Hartjie (for those who don’t speak Afrikaans, this means My Heart) I want you to know how much I love you and how grateful I am to have you love and support me through this difficult path we’ve been placed on.

 

2. I would not have survived this journey if it weren’t for the love of my IF sisters, both online and IRL friends. I’m a girls girl, I need girlfriends and love spend time with girlfriends. Surrounding myself with these women has helped me feel like my IF has some kind of a purpose, that I can love, understand and support somebody so broken and so hurt and so misunderstood has helped me tremendously, it has helped me to feel that my own pain and hurt was not for nothing. I’ve met some of the bravest, strongest, most loving and supportive women through my IF walk. I am forever changed by their presence in my life and I hope vice versa. They are my soft place to land, on the days where I’m hurting and sad, they are the people who pick me up, comfort me and help give me the strength to keep pushing ahead on the days when I feel I can’t anymore. C – you are the bravest woman I know, I do not know how you have gotten through the last 11 years, when I think about what the loss fo your twins must have been like my heart breaks for both you and T. Elize – a kindred spirit, your friendship has meant the world to me, a friend in a time when I had almost none and somebody I can have such great fun with. Dumbass Sam – my twin, I’m praying really hard to hear good news about your melted popsicles today, your unwavering faith has been a beacon of light for me, you are a truly living example and I commend you. Super M – for finding purpose and passion amongst all the pain and for Fertiliare that has been a source of comfort and hope for so man infertiles. For all my online IF sisters, please don’t think that because you were not mentioned here that your impact on my life as not been as great, there are just too many amazing women to mention all of you personally.

3. That not everything about IF is negative. IF has had some truly positive impacts on my life, it has changed me for the better, I belive and for that I would not exchange places with anybody else. It has made me braver, stronger and more compassionate than I ever thought possible. It has taught me the true strength of my spirit, it has shown me that real determination can get me through any situation no matter how scary or painful it may be. It has helped me over come a lot of fear in my life and although it has had a negative effect on my self esteem on the one side, it has also had a positive effect. It has also taught me that should I be fortunate enough to have a child or two of my own, they will be such lucky children to be raised by such a brave, strong mother with great lessons to teach them about life and that the miracle of having them in my life will be like nothing any fertile woman could ever experience. IF has shaped me as an adult and has taught me lessons that some people never learn in a life time. It has emotionally matured me.

So weird I landed up with so much to say, when I logged onto my blog this morning I was actually not planning on posting anything as I felt I had nothing to say. Then I receive one message of support from one of my IF sisters and I was hit by how fortunate I am to have all these amazing people in my life and to be having this experience and that I should be grateful for it and learn from it or else it would all have been for nothing.

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11 Comments

  • Reply Dee

    Beautiful words S!

    July 24, 2008 at 10:24 am
  • Reply Mrs Woggie

    You seem like an amazing woman. I hope that one day I can be like you and be at peace with IF. You give me hope so much hope that it is possible. It may not happen over night but one day I could be ok about it. Thank you for sharing all of that.

    Here from ICLW.

    July 24, 2008 at 12:22 pm
  • Reply samcy

    So beautifully expressed! And now you’ve made me cry (in a good way of course)

    You are such a strong amazing woman – I’m blessed to call you friend!

    July 24, 2008 at 2:02 pm
  • Reply Sian

    Kisses and Hugs! You are strength personified. I don’t know how you keep on going Sam. You are one strong lady. Thanks for your comment on my blog. The answer is I really don’t know what the secret to forgetting is. I guess not being able to try forced me to focus on other things in my life. I still don’t know if it is a good thing or a bad thing though.

    July 24, 2008 at 2:14 pm
  • Reply Maritza

    Shaz, thank you for being one of those wonderful women you so articulately describe, and sharing your life and journey with us. You pave the way for many others to help understand themselves and the world in new ways amoungst disappointment and loss.

    Learning from you all the time.

    July 24, 2008 at 2:15 pm
  • Reply Murgdan

    Thank you for always sharing so much of yourself. I’ve been reading your blog for several weeks too and having only been trying a year and still no scars to show I sometimes don’t know how to respond to offer support. I fear that my little year may be to you what someone else’s 2 months is to me.

    So…I can’t claim to know where you’ve been; but you give me some stregnth to face where I am. If that makes sense.

    July 24, 2008 at 3:01 pm
  • Reply liddy

    Here from ICLW.

    Amazing post! So true and honest on so many different levels. You are right on about the support of IF sisters, I too could not do it without the listening ear or reading eyes of so many.

    Best of luck to you.

    July 24, 2008 at 4:20 pm
  • Reply Elize

    Hi Sharon! Thank you for your kind words. You are a great friend, if it wasn’t for the fact that you reached out to me last year, I would have been in a very very dark place. You have such an understanding and an amazing ability to know exactly what to say at exactly the right time. And it’s definitely visa versa, my life is richer now that you’re in it!

    July 24, 2008 at 4:22 pm
  • Reply M

    You are truly as amazing as all of the other women you’ve described. You made me cry with just the honest emotions you expressed!

    *ICLW

    July 25, 2008 at 3:21 am
  • Reply Cassandra

    Here from ICLW…
    What a wonderful post. I can especially relate to the early years of IF being more difficult than more recent years. Not fully accepting IF, resisting every time the doctors suggested another level of intervention, expecting every month that it would work. The first M/C knocked me out so badly that we stopped TTC for almost 2 years. Last month’s M/C? No big deal.

    Interestingly, this week I also blogged about the gifts of IF, as well as whether I would trade IF in for a child. I came to a different conclusion than you did (I would happily trade), but I really respect your rationale.

    Thanks for the thought-provoking post!

    July 25, 2008 at 4:55 am
  • Reply Jill

    HI from ICLW. This is a great post and so true, in some form, for all of us women struggling. Thank you.

    July 25, 2008 at 8:17 pm
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