The Type I Am.

I’m a hot head. I’m reactive and combative, I’m NOT afraid of conflict. I come out, guns blazing. You hurt me? Watch out ‘cos I’ll take you out at the knees. I’m notoriously terrible at keeping quiet, I simply cannot. I always feel I have to respond, by keeping quiet I feel that I give the other person the upper hand, keeping quiet shows weakness.

At least that’s how I used to be. Not always great qualities, but then, none of us are perfect and I guess its our experiences in life that shape us into who we are and how we react to things.

Without going into detail I’ll say this. The past while I have been hurt by people who I thought were my friends. I feel I’ve been used, I feel I’ve been abused and I’ve been taken for a fool. I’ve been betrayed and I’ve been made to feel isolated and deliberately excluded. I’ve been told that my support wasn’t enough. And its become clear I’m the topic of many many conversations and not in a good way!

Initially, I reacted the way I always reacted. Feeling as though I needed to protect myself. Running head long into the situation, guns blazing.  I’ve confronted and talked and shared my feelings but it has not changed the situation one bit. The sad fact is that a line was drawn and people chose sides.

I’m trying to use this as a learning experience, to do better, to be better to react better. I’m almost 40 for goodness sakes. I decided to take a step back and to spend a few days thinking about it all before reacting. There’s an element of childishness to the whole situation that frankly I want no part of. I’ve decided to take a new approach. To try and bow out gracefully or perhaps its not gracefully. But I simply cannot continue to spend another sleepless night with my stomach in a knot, my heart hurting wondering why. I’ve decided to take the approach of what I can’t see can’t hurt me.

Its hard for me, I’m fiercely loyal to my friends, a good quality I think. I genuinely wanted to be there, I genuinely wanted to still be a part of it all. But its becoming more and more clear that I simply can’t.

August 2, 2010
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18 Comments

  • Reply little29

    Hi Sharon
    All I can say is that anytime friends start feeling like hard work and make you hurt then quite simply they are not friends….. true friendship knows no bounds and those that care – really care – will always be there! (wasn”t meaning to rhyme …promise….)

    August 2, 2010 at 9:59 am
  • Reply mayflowerladybugs

    I am so sorry to hear this Sharon. I find it very very hard to keep my reactions in check, I want to fix things NOW! As you know recently things exploded behind my back too, and although I am proud of myself for not getting ‘into’ it, on the other hand, it was very hard not too! It is hard moving on, not just from people who used to be frieds, but also from a whole community really, and I have this internal debate going on trying to get myself to just do it, but it is very difficult! I hope it gets resolved for you soon, all the best!

    August 2, 2010 at 10:15 am
  • Reply hcouperus

    🙁

    August 2, 2010 at 11:02 am
  • Reply Me

    Ohhhhh we sound SO alike. In fact your first paragraph could describe me to a T! However this is the person I’ve become over the past 11 years and I do not like her and lots of other people don’t like her either.

    NO friendship should make you feel like you have been and if one does, lose it.

    x

    August 2, 2010 at 11:08 am
  • Reply mommy2m

    Sorry you are experiencing this Sharon. Sometimes we need to clear a space in our lives for new things/ people to enter. I know that the new friendships you make will nurture you, challenge you and love you unconditionally.
    Hugs, and take care

    August 2, 2010 at 11:09 am
  • Reply vroutjie

    Ai Shaz! Good luck my friend.

    August 2, 2010 at 11:17 am
  • Reply Nisey

    sometimes it is fortuitous to hold one’s tongue… not easy but a bit of reflection often allows you to get the upper hand and make the right decisions. little29 is right though, friends shouldn’t cause you to have knots in your tummy and sleepless nights.

    August 2, 2010 at 11:25 am
  • Reply skrambled

    Here is a HUG! This doesn’t sound pleasant.

    August 2, 2010 at 12:33 pm
  • Reply elna3

    Remember other people make their own choices regarding their friendship with you, regardless of what you do or don’t do. It does hurt a lot because you just can’t understand WHY!!! That is the worst feeling, trying to talk/make it work/rectify it and it doesn’t work. It isn’t something you are/aren’t doing -it is something they are doing. It is becasue you are so loyal to your friends that it devastates you. You have done what you can do and now you need to step away form it. Give your engery and time to the friends that are loyal to you too.
    It is tough -I have had numerous sleepless nights about the same thing and it isn’t always easy to put it behind you. ‘Time’ also helps it to get better.

    August 2, 2010 at 12:48 pm
  • Reply thebsdiaries

    Shaz – bloggy/cyber friends or real friends? Why do we always let them into our hearts and headspace? Sometimes I think being a guy – when it comes to the emotional stuff – is so much less complicated.

    August 2, 2010 at 2:22 pm
  • Reply thebsdiaries

    i mean real life friends…

    August 2, 2010 at 2:23 pm
    • Reply Sharon

      Real life friends, or so I thought but clearly I was mistaken.

      August 2, 2010 at 2:39 pm
  • Reply jonivdw

    So sorry you’re having to go through this! Toxic friends are those that take more than they give to a friendship! I’ve cleaned a lot of them out of my life!!

    Good luck!!

    August 2, 2010 at 4:02 pm
  • Reply hanneke001

    I agree with most of the comments, a true friend is there, through thick and thin, no matter what, you can count on them, i have 2 real real real friends like this, they where there when i got married the first time, through my divorce and now thet go through this IF journey with me, they have never done or said anything that is hurtfull. If the people that hurt you where really your friends, they would be there unconditionally, no matter what, this is my opinion, i am so sorry that you have to get hurt like this, in a time that you are really and trully in a happy place. In a sense i am like you, i am also very loyal to my friends, but friendship comes from both sides. i know it is not easy but the best is to move these people out of your live and focus on the ones that are there and love you dearly.

    August 2, 2010 at 6:11 pm
  • Reply orbit365

    Oh Sharon….

    This kind of thing always sucks. I am so sorry..xxx

    Julia

    August 2, 2010 at 6:40 pm
  • Reply pandoragelb

    I’m the opposite, I rather try to avoid conflict. However, I have no time for people like those so called friends you mentioned. I have very few friends, and they are scattered all around the world now. Leaving me a bit friendless! But I rather have a few good (if absent) friends than a lot of people that delight in stabbing you in the back. You don’t need all that negative energy right now.

    August 2, 2010 at 8:57 pm
  • Reply wheresmybun

    I’m SO sorry hon, I know it hurts, I hope in time that your heart will heal, and that you’ll feel better.

    August 3, 2010 at 9:34 am
  • Reply tanyakov

    I’m sorry to hear you’ve been hurt. I hope you’re feeling better.

    August 4, 2010 at 10:59 am
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