I’m a hot head. I’m reactive and combative, I’m NOT afraid of conflict. I come out, guns blazing. You hurt me? Watch out ‘cos I’ll take you out at the knees. I’m notoriously terrible at keeping quiet, I simply cannot. I always feel I have to respond, by keeping quiet I feel that I give the other person the upper hand, keeping quiet shows weakness.
At least that’s how I used to be. Not always great qualities, but then, none of us are perfect and I guess its our experiences in life that shape us into who we are and how we react to things.
Without going into detail I’ll say this. The past while I have been hurt by people who I thought were my friends. I feel I’ve been used, I feel I’ve been abused and I’ve been taken for a fool. I’ve been betrayed and I’ve been made to feel isolated and deliberately excluded. I’ve been told that my support wasn’t enough. And its become clear I’m the topic of many many conversations and not in a good way!
Initially, I reacted the way I always reacted. Feeling as though I needed to protect myself. Running head long into the situation, guns blazing. I’ve confronted and talked and shared my feelings but it has not changed the situation one bit. The sad fact is that a line was drawn and people chose sides.
I’m trying to use this as a learning experience, to do better, to be better to react better. I’m almost 40 for goodness sakes. I decided to take a step back and to spend a few days thinking about it all before reacting. There’s an element of childishness to the whole situation that frankly I want no part of. I’ve decided to take a new approach. To try and bow out gracefully or perhaps its not gracefully. But I simply cannot continue to spend another sleepless night with my stomach in a knot, my heart hurting wondering why. I’ve decided to take the approach of what I can’t see can’t hurt me.
Its hard for me, I’m fiercely loyal to my friends, a good quality I think. I genuinely wanted to be there, I genuinely wanted to still be a part of it all. But its becoming more and more clear that I simply can’t.