I’m seriously considering requesting that my RE give me a script for some Anti Depressants. I’m not doing so well at all, in fact its been a very long time since I felt like this. I’m not just sad. Sad after a failed IVF is normal. This thing that I’m feeling is different, I suspect I may be more than just sad, I suspect I may be clinically depressed.
I feel heavy on the inside, my mind is a mess. Last week, twice I forgot to feed my dog, I forgot my oldest friends Birthday on Saturday. I’ve got no libido, I have no desire to do anything, go anywhere or see anyone. Everything is a huge effort. Including conversation with anyone and everyone. It was a very special friends husbands birthday party on Saturday night, it took every ounce of my resolve to actually get dressed to go, I thought going for a haircut and blow wave would help get me in the mood, W took me for lunch while we waited for the appointment, I cried the whole way through the lunch, when I got to the party, I had a good time, at least I think I did, I know I drank far too much, got really tipsy and I fear perhaps really silly, I did spend at least two hours hiccuping and driving W mad. I also can’t stop eating, I’m looking for comfort in all the wrong places. I’ve become a really poor home maker, W has had to take over the reigns because I fail miserably, I haven’t cooked in weeks, don’t do any shopping, I barely even do the laundry, he’s become the house husband. When I get home from work, I’m so relieved to be home, safe in my own environment where I don’t have to see anyone or do anything. And I literally do nothing, I’ve even stopped reading and blogging has become an effort. My favorite past time is lying on the couch watching TV, drinking wine and eating crisps.
Since yesterday I also have this terrible sensation inside, like anxiety, I think its all part of a depression that seems to be worsening.
My family are coming up from Cape Town for the Easter weekend and I FORGOT! Yesterday morning I suddenly remembered that I had a million things I had to do before they arrived, but I have no desire to do anything and just wanted to spend the day lying on the couch.
I used to take AD’s, right at the beginning of this journey, but to be honest, for a long time I thought I was ok, I was ok. But I’m not ok right now and I’m not sure if this is another bout of depression or if I’m simply just sad and miserable after yet another failed round of treatment. Its only been a week and a half so perhaps I’m also being a bit hard on myself. But I don’t want to feel like this, I want to get a grip and move on, I just don’t seem to be able to.