Thinking About AD’s

I’m seriously considering requesting that my RE give me a script for some Anti Depressants. I’m not doing so well at all, in fact its been a very long time since I felt likeย this. I’m not just sad. Sad after a failed IVF is normal. This thing that I’m feeling is different, I suspect I may be more than just sad, I suspect I may be clinically depressed.

I feel heavy on the inside, my mind is a mess. Last week, twice I forgot to feed my dog, I forgot myย oldest friends Birthday on Saturday. I’ve got no libido, I have no desire to do anything, go anywhere or see anyone. Everything is a huge effort. Including conversation with anyone and everyone. It was a very special friends husbands birthday party on Saturday night, it took every ounce of my resolve to actually get dressed to go, I thought going for a haircut and blow wave would help get me in the mood, W took me for lunch while we waited for the appointment, I cried the whole way through the lunch, when I got to the party, I had a good time, at least I think I did, I know I drank far too much, got really tipsy and I fear perhaps really silly, I did spend at least two hours hiccuping and driving W mad. I also can’t stop eating, I’m looking for comfort in all the wrong places. I’ve become a really poor home maker, W has had to take over the reigns because I fail miserably, I haven’t cooked in weeks, don’t do any shopping, I barely even do the laundry, he’s become the house husband. When I get home from work, I’m so relieved to be home, safe in my own environment where I don’t have to see anyone or do anything. And I literally do nothing, I’ve even stopped reading and blogging has become an effort. My favorite past time is lying on the couch watching TV, drinking wine and eating crisps.

Since yesterday I also have this terrible sensation inside, like anxiety, I think its all part of a depression that seems to be worsening.

My family are coming up from Cape Town for the Easter weekend and I FORGOT! Yesterday morning I suddenly remembered that I had a million things I had to do before they arrived, but I have no desire to do anything and just wanted to spend the day lying on the couch.

I used to take AD’s, right at the beginning of this journey, but to be honest, for a long time I thought I was ok, I was ok. But I’m not ok right now and I’m not sure if this is another bout of depression or if I’m simply just sad and miserable after yet another failed round of treatment. Its only been a week and a half so perhaps I’m also being a bit hard on myself. But I don’t want to feel like this, I want to get a grip and move on, I just don’t seem to be able to.

15 Comments

  • Lea White

    April 6, 2009 at 9:49 am

    I’m so incredibly sorry you are having such a horrible time. I really wish there was something I could say and do to make it all better.

    Lots and lots of hugs and prayers and positive thoughts!!!!!!

    Reply
  • SassyCupcakes

    April 6, 2009 at 9:53 am

    I think being depressed is a completely normal response to what you’ve been through. And if AD’s can help you deal with life while you deal with what’s happening then why not?

    As far as I’m concerned AD’s are like any other medicine. If you had an infection and needed antibiotics you’d take them and look after yourself so you could get better. Take the AD’s to treat your depression but make sure that you take care of yourself too. It’s okay to feel sad and okay to be depressed. You are such a strong, brave woman. You’ll get through this. Take care. *hug*

    Reply
  • jan

    April 6, 2009 at 10:14 am

    oh sharry im so sorry you are feeling so awful- after what youve been through – and I dont just mean now – but over the years – Im amazed youre still standing – I would definitely take the Ads without thinking twice, sometimes you need a little extra help to overcome the worst, definitely make an app with your doc asap and also think you should maybe talk to someone, just to help get you standing again. big hugs xxxx

    Reply
  • dee

    April 6, 2009 at 11:22 am

    Please do yourself a favour and get onto AD’s. I was exactly the same, doing odd things and forgetting important stuff. AD’s have helped me SO SO much. I forgot to take them last weekend when we were away and by Sunday night I had that tightness in my tummy and fluttering heart. I really think you should try, we need a bit of help in this journey. Wine can only help so much ๐Ÿ™‚
    xxx

    Reply
  • Caragh

    April 6, 2009 at 11:42 am

    I wont say I know what your going through.
    Because I dont, everyones story is so so so different.
    The pain you describe seems to be so unbearable.

    Although I will point out that its good you can reconize where you are really struggling, the day to day stuff and your general happiness.

    I’m not pro, AD’s but sometimes there can come a point where just pulling everything togerther and feeling better instantly just isn’t an option.

    The only thing I would suggest, is speak to your doctor, your partner and weigh up all the pro’s and cons.

    But at this point, I would think its safe to say, if something will make you feel better.. then you should do whatever you can.

    Thinking of you.

    Reply
  • Amanda

    April 6, 2009 at 11:48 am

    First I’d like to say that you looked stunning on Saturday evening. And I certainly saw no silliness, just a few good laughs.
    On the AD’s, if you need to get on them, then do so, sometimes the pit of darkness is so deep, you cannot get yourself out of it, we all need help sometimes, and I’m a big believer in AD’s.
    Take care of your self Sharon, and don’t be too hard on yourself.
    Love and loads of HUGS.
    A. xxxx

    Reply
  • Adi

    April 6, 2009 at 12:04 pm

    I think it would be wise to go on AD’s at this point. I think physically you may be so drained that even if you wanted to feel better, there just isn’t energy. The AD’s will help to just stabilise the downward spiral of negative and sometimes irrational thoughts that carve its little path into our brains, deeper and deeper, so that it becomes easier and easier to feel down and hopeless. It doesn’t take the hurt away, but it helps one cope and deal with it, or at least deal with everything around it (work, visits from family, remembering to get up in the mornings…) which seems to just become very irrelevant when one is depressed. Lots of thoughts to you: be kind 2 yourself.

    Reply
  • Caragh

    April 6, 2009 at 12:28 pm

    I hope you find whatever it is you need to get you back feeling better..
    Whatever that may be…
    I know from personal experience, that if you find the right AD for you it can help so so so much.

    Alot of people view AD’s as such a negative thing, but I guess you just really have to be there and experiencing the kind of pain to understand just how much it can help..

    Reply
  • skrambled

    April 6, 2009 at 3:28 pm

    Some advice from someone who has suffered from clinical depression for a LOOOONG time. There is no shame in taking AD’s. From the description of how you are feeling I would as you please to go and get some. The relief that you will feel will be much needed.

    Reply
  • Kirsty

    April 6, 2009 at 7:54 pm

    Shaz – you know yourself the best out of anyone – and as a woman, I have to say: Always trust that intuition! Women tend to get a “gut feel” about things – we need to learn to listen to it. So if your gut is telling you that AD’s are the way forward, then do it!
    Good luck
    x-x-x-x-x-x-

    Reply
  • jodie38

    April 6, 2009 at 11:52 pm

    They sure as shit help me. I’m not sorry I started taking them at all. AD’s have helped me tremendously (and Tom Cruise can just f*ck right off). They don’t fix things for you, they help give you enough of an edge to be able to fix things yourself.

    I truly think I’m a much better person on them than off them. I may just keep taking them forever. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Hang in there, Shaz. Thinking of you….

    Reply
  • loribeth

    April 8, 2009 at 3:47 am

    What everyone else said. Sometimes we need a little help to get us through a rough patch. (I’m going through one right now myself & may be asking my dr for some ativan again if it keeps up…!)

    Reply

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