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Thoughts In My Head

I’m really torn with this IVF, my mind and thoughts are all over the place and I’ve not even started the 2ww yet. How am I going to manage until the 30th March to test?

I am still in a state of disbelief over how well things have gone so far (barring OHSS), I’ve never never never had such good results before. My first IVF, long protocol with Lucrin and Gonal F yielded 10 eggs, by day 5 only 2 embryo’s remained.

My second, natural IVF, I had no fertilization due to very poor egg quality.

My third IVF, I had a short protocol IVF, using Lucrin, Luveris and Gonal F, I battled emotionally through out this IVF and again at day 5, we only had two embryo’ s left to transfer.

So this time around, I”m battling to process how everything has progressed. I woke up from my ER in a state of disbelief, I woke up to the words: “Well done Sharon, we got 16 eggs!” It was only back in the ward, about an hour later when the fuzziness of the sedation started to lift that I began to comprehend the number of eggs we’d retrieved. I still can’t believe it. I cannot believe that at almost 37 my body could do that, but I must be honest, when I lookd down at my hands and saw “16 eggs well done 🙂 ” I knew I was heading for OHSS. 

Phoning for the ferilization report on Friday was terrifying. Walter and I took bets, do you know what we were hoping for? We were hoping for 8 fertilized eggs! When I made the phone call I was so nervous I was hyperventilating. I’m sure that I must have thought I was some sort of heavy breathing freak on the line.

Since then our news has gotten better and better and with that, the war in my mind has begun. On the one hand, I so badly want to believe that this is it, on the other hand, I can’t believe that this is it. On the one hand I want to believe that one of those sparkly little embryo’s is going to turn into a living breathing baby for us, on the other hand I’ve walked this path so long and been dealt so much bad news, I can’t imagine a different outcome.

I so badly want to believe this is almost over, but I’m so afraid of setting myself up for a major disappointment again. The worst part is seeing how excited W is getting. I really want him to have hop, I really want him to be excited, but I’m so afraid of seeing him disappointed again. We have a busy two weeks ahead as well and I’m worried about how I’ll cope with everything if I start to spot or bleed in the middle of my 2ww like I always do. Its W’s birthday next Monday and its his Mother’s 50th Birthday next Wednesday, we’re hosting a 50th Birthday Party for her next Saturday, two days before my blood test. I know I will have POAS about 20 times by then, what it its all BFN’s, how am I going to plaster a smile on my face and make it through the celebrations???

God, in all his glory has brought me this far, I’m just praying that this is it, that this is His way of fufilling what He has promised me.

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15 Comments

  • Reply Michelle

    Shaz – yous last sentence says it all. I truly hope that God fulfills you dream this time around my friend. It certainly seems as if this cycle is the one. So lets keep praying.xx

    March 16, 2009 at 9:44 am
  • Reply jan

    praying for you !! I really really hope this is it for you!!

    March 16, 2009 at 9:53 am
  • Reply Hela

    Sharon, I don’t think the battle in your mind is easy at all and until the 30th of March… this is unfortunately how I think it’s going to be, thankfully you are busy for the next 2 weeks. Being a little busy always helps the wait.

    I don’t really know what to say, but to stay positive, believe and at the same time guard your heart.

    It really isn’t in your hands now… and I have no doubt that you ARE blessed and will continue to be blessed!

    Hang in there and just remember that you have done well this far.

    March 16, 2009 at 9:59 am
  • Reply Amanda

    I’m just hoping and praying that this is it for you guys! It will be so awseome if you also have a BFP! Those embies are your little diamonds!

    March 16, 2009 at 10:42 am
  • Reply Lea White

    Just take a deep breath and just focus on now. There are so many of us praying with you and thinking of you every minute of every day!!!

    Hugs!!!

    March 16, 2009 at 10:55 am
  • Reply 'Murgdan'

    …thinking of you and wishing for all the best.

    March 16, 2009 at 11:48 am
  • Reply WiseGuy

    I know what kind of emotional ping-pong must be going on right now.

    I hope you can maintain the equanimity and score this time!

    Good Luck! 🙂

    March 16, 2009 at 12:57 pm
  • Reply Mel

    Shaz, I will keep you in my prayers, it really feels like He has been listening to me lately and answering all my prayers. Good luck!!!

    March 16, 2009 at 1:01 pm
  • Reply Yvonne

    You’re in my thoughts all the time and I’m also so desperately hoping that this is *it* !

    All the best for tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    March 16, 2009 at 1:15 pm
  • Reply Elize

    Being in two minds seems to part of the whole IF thing, especially if you’ve been doing this for such a long time. Imagining only dissapointment but hoping for a positive outcome is so difficult to merge the two together. But I truly hope Sharon that this is indeed everything you hope it would be and that you will have the wonderful postive Beta and all the things that go with it. There’s not a lot you do to the monster inside you, all you can do is to take it one day at a time.
    Hope you’re starting to feel better or that the pain meds are at least helping!
    ((HUGS)))
    xxx

    March 16, 2009 at 3:34 pm
  • Reply Hollie

    Awww, just catching up on reading. The bed rest sucks, so does the OHSS, been there, done that bought the friggin tshirt! I know exactly how that feels. I’m glad that they are letting you proceed to transfer though. Take care of yourself. If they didn’t tell you, try to eat protein. It helped SO MUCH with my fluid build up. I’m so excited for you, I can’t see straight. You will get through! I pray for your peace and tranquility. It is worth it.

    March 16, 2009 at 3:59 pm
  • Reply samcy

    You know that dream you had? That hobbled road is at it’s end my friend. I truely believe that with all my heart and soul. You and W are in my thoughts and prayers always.

    This IS IT!!! Claim it!!!

    xxxx

    March 16, 2009 at 6:54 pm
  • Reply Lea

    Hi Sharon,

    Hoping and praying that this is your happy ending.. You so deserve it after the road that you have walked.

    Thinking of you every step of the way…

    March 16, 2009 at 8:00 pm
  • Reply Kirsty

    Good luck for tomorrow… will be thinking of you, and wishing you strength for the 2ww xx

    March 16, 2009 at 8:04 pm
  • Reply stacey

    I know how hard it is to hope after so much disappointment in the past, but I am hoping and praying for you!

    March 16, 2009 at 8:44 pm
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