My last IVF, almost two years ago, I started spotting and then bleeding at 5 days past a 5 day transfer. Guess what today is? Its 5 days past a 5 day transfer. The frantic pantie checks have been in over drive since yesterday, waiting, anticipating. I’m on Crinone nightly, using the Crinone last night, I almost wanted to faint, I was so afraid of what I was going to see on the end of the applicator after removing it. All clear. I could see the relief in W’s face as well. I think my frantic worrying is starting to rub off on him.
Today the pendulum has swung and I’m feeling somewhat calmer and not as frantic. I guess the main thought running through my head is that this has been a record breaking IVF for me. I’ve had more eggs, I’ve had better quality eggs, we’ve had 95% fertilization, we froze 7 top notch embryo’s on day 3, we grew a further 7 to day of which we got 3 beautiful blasts. None of my previous IVF’s panned out like this, so I’m hoping and praying that my 2ww will see me break through my own previous miserable milestones of IVF 2ww’s. The next 3 days are critical. If I wake up to 8 days past transfer with no spotting, I will have reason to have hope, it will be the longest I’ve gone without bleeding during an IVF 2ww.
Yesterday, in the midst of a major panic attack, I remembered the list my clinic had given me after ET earlier in the week. Its quite different to the list my previous clinic gives. The old list was a list of instructions, don’t do this, you may not do that, you may not have that, blah blah blah, literally a list of restrictions which I followed to the T and guess what? They made NO difference to the outcomes. Now Vitalab’s list is quite different and I love it, it freed me from feeling guilty because of my emotional state, it reitterated that no amount of positive thinking was going to change the outcome, it basically let me off the hook and freed me to feel whatever I need to feel without guilt for the remainder of the sh*tty 2ww.
Here are just a couple of my most favorites quotes from the Vitalab Tips To Help You Stay Sane While Waiting For Your Pregnancy Test Results:
1. Once your embryo transfer has taken place, there is nothing you can or cannot do to influence the outcome:
It is out of your control. Feelings of pessimism don’t change the outcome, getting angry at someone won’t change the outcome and bouncing off the walls won’t change the outcome. You get the idea; don’t worry about your potential mood swings, feelings of irritability, jealousy, anxiety etc, although they may not be pleasant to experience, they have no impact on any potential pregnancy. You are officially off the hook.
I especially loved this. I know everyone means well, but so many people have been telling me how I should or shouldn’t be feeling and that my anxiety is such a bad thing etc etc, and then I wind up feeling guilty and even more of a failure when I cannot turn hope into faith, or when I cannot just be positive. I know everyone means well, but its a lot of pressure, reading this really just set me free to feel whatever I need to feel to get through this.
4. Be picky withthe people you spend time with!
Feel free to avoid the unsympathetic friends, the overly fertile friends and the “takers” instead of the “givers”. Plan to see those who entertain you, nurture you and distract you. If you need an official excuse, you can consider yourself under doctor’s orders to avoid baby showers.
Thankfully, about 5 years into my fertility journey I did a major clean out. I know that probably sounds cold, but at that point in my journey, I found myself surrounded by unsympathetic, mean spirited real life friends. All of whom had babies or were pregnant, none of whom were able to offer me any kind of support. Every meeting with them was torture, after each meeting I’d land up crying for hours, it was just terrible. Then I had my 6th miscarriage and some of the proceeded to simply ignore me from then on out, it was like W and I ceased to exist, neither they nor their husbands even acknowledged that we’ lost out SIXTH baby. One of the pregnant ones had a cheek to tell me that I should get over myself, the world does not revolve around me and her pregnancy should be more important. It was in that instance that I decided to toss out the trash. It was hard and it was hurtful and it took a long time to establish a new circle of friends, but thankfully we have. W and I are now blessed to be surrounded by people who love, nurture and support us, people that we can love, nuture and support. We’re seeing 4 of those people tomorrow nights for W’s birthday and that will make sitting in a restaurant, trying to celebrate W’s birthday while controlling the urge to freak out and do frequent panty checks far easier, these are people who get me. For a long time I felt bad about the friendships we’d lost along the way, then one day I realized it really was all about a reason, a season and a lifetime. I believe the friends we have now are friends we’ll have for a lifetime.
7. Although it can be hard, try to balanc the fine ine between your state of mid and reality.
There is nor right way to feel. For some, its much easier to cope with the days of waiting by feeling hopeful and optimistic; for others it feels more comfortable to protect themselves by feeling pessimistic. One way to make it easier for all coping style at least to have a plan “B” – the ” what if the treatment cycle fails” plan. Whatever you’re feelings and thoughts after a treatment may be, make sure that you have an appointment for a consultation with your Dr.
Yes, I have a plan B, always, its how I’ve coped in the past. It freaks W out as his coping style is different to mine, he’s able to just bury his head and push forward, I need back up plans and strategies to cope witha failed treatment and its also how I cope with the long wait. So here is my plan B – I’ll give my body a break for about 2 months, also give me a chance to save a bit, then we’ll use those little frozen Popsicle’s for a frozen embryo transfer. Now I don’t place much faith in an FETso I also have a back up plan C- I’ve come up with a saving strategy which should theoretically allow me to do a full fresh cycle in approximately September. While the waiting in between cycles is awful, there is always still the chance that we could fall pregnant by ourselves, so that will also be factored into my plans.
Have I mentioned that I love this clinic? Where so many other clinics fail because they’re so focused on the physical, this is the first time I feel like the clinic and its staff care about my emotional well being as well. When I’ve been afraid they’ve comforted me, when I’ve been in pain I’ve seen the concern in the Dr’s eyes as he tried to soothe me. During my 2ww, they are concerned about my emotional well being as well.
I’m glad I typed this post, its helped me to feel some what calmer as well.
Now, Dear God, I’d like to make it through the next 3 days with no spotting!