Today Is A Big Day

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My last IVF, almost two years ago, I started spotting and then bleeding at 5 days past a 5 day transfer. Guess what today is? Its 5 days past a 5 day transfer. The frantic pantie checks have been in over drive since yesterday, waiting, anticipating. I’m on Crinone nightly, using the Crinone last night, I almost wanted to faint, I was so afraid of what I was going to see on the end of the applicator after removing it. All clear. I could see the relief in W’s face as well. I think my frantic worrying is starting to rub off on him.

Today the pendulum has swung and I’m feeling somewhat calmer and not as frantic. I guess the main thought running through my head is that this has been a record breaking IVF for me. I’ve had more eggs, I’ve had better quality eggs, we’ve had 95% fertilization, we froze 7 top notch embryo’s on day 3, we grew a further 7 to day  of which we got 3 beautiful blasts. None of my previous IVF’s panned out like this, so I’m hoping and praying that my 2ww will see me break through my own previous miserable milestones of IVF 2ww’s. The next 3 days are critical. If I wake up to 8 days past transfer with no spotting, I will have reason to have hope, it will be the longest I’ve gone without bleeding during an IVF 2ww.

Yesterday, in the midst of a major panic attack, I remembered the list my clinic had given me after ET earlier in the week. Its quite different to the list my previous clinic gives. The old list was a list of instructions, don’t do this, you may not do that, you may not have that, blah blah blah, literally a list of restrictions which I followed to the T and guess what? They made NO difference to the outcomes. Now Vitalab’s list is quite different and I love it, it freed me from feeling guilty because of my emotional state, it reitterated that no amount of positive thinking was going to change the outcome, it basically let me off the hook and freed me to feel whatever I need to feel without guilt for the remainder of the sh*tty 2ww.

Here are  just a couple of my most favorites quotes from the Vitalab Tips To Help You Stay Sane While Waiting For Your Pregnancy Test Results:

1. Once your embryo transfer has taken place, there is nothing you can or cannot do to influence the outcome:

It is out of your control. Feelings of pessimism don’t change the outcome, getting angry at someone won’t change the outcome and bouncing off the walls won’t change the outcome. You get the idea; don’t worry about your potential mood swings, feelings of irritability, jealousy, anxiety etc, although they may not be pleasant to experience, they have no impact on any potential pregnancy. You are officially off the hook.

I especially loved this. I know everyone means well, but so many people have been telling me how I should or shouldn’t be feeling and that my anxiety is such a bad thing etc etc, and then I wind up feeling guilty and even more of a failure when I cannot turn hope into faith, or when I cannot just be positive. I know everyone means well, but its a lot of pressure, reading this really just set me free to feel whatever I need to feel to get through this.

4. Be picky withthe people you spend time with!

Feel free to avoid the unsympathetic friends, the overly fertile friends and the “takers” instead of the “givers”. Plan to see those who entertain you, nurture you and distract you. If you need an official excuse, you can consider yourself under doctor’s orders to avoid baby showers.

Thankfully, about 5 years into my fertility journey I did a major clean out. I know that probably sounds cold, but at that point in my journey, I found myself surrounded by unsympathetic, mean spirited real life friends. All of whom had babies or were pregnant, none of whom were able to offer me any kind of support. Every meeting with them was torture, after each meeting I’d land up crying for hours, it was just terrible. Then I had my 6th miscarriage and some of the proceeded to simply ignore me from then on out, it was like W and I ceased to exist, neither they nor their husbands even acknowledged that we’ lost out SIXTH baby. One of the pregnant ones had a cheek to tell me that I should get over myself, the world does not revolve around me and her pregnancy should be more important. It was in that instance that I decided to toss out the trash. It was hard and it was hurtful and it took a long time to establish a new circle of friends, but thankfully we have. W and I are now blessed to be surrounded by people who love, nurture and support us, people that we can love, nuture and support. We’re seeing 4 of those people tomorrow nights for W’s birthday and that will make sitting in a restaurant, trying to celebrate W’s birthday while controlling the urge to freak out and do frequent panty checks far easier, these are people who get me. For a long time I felt bad about the friendships we’d lost along the way, then one day I realized it really was all about a reason, a season and a lifetime. I believe the friends we have now are friends we’ll have for a lifetime.

7.  Although it can be hard, try to balanc the fine ine between your state of mid and reality.

There is nor right way to feel. For some, its much easier to cope with the days of waiting by feeling hopeful and optimistic; for others it feels more comfortable to protect themselves by feeling pessimistic. One way to make it easier for all coping style at least  to have a plan “B” – the ” what if the treatment cycle fails” plan. Whatever you’re feelings and thoughts after a treatment may be, make sure that you have an appointment for a consultation with  your Dr.

Yes, I have a plan B, always, its how I’ve coped in the past. It freaks W out as his coping style is different to mine, he’s able to just bury his head and push forward, I need back up plans and strategies to cope witha failed treatment and its also how I cope with the long wait. So here is my plan B – I’ll give my body a break for about 2 months, also give me a chance to save a bit, then we’ll use those little frozen Popsicle’s for a frozen embryo transfer. Now I don’t place much faith in an FETso I also have a back up plan C- I’ve come up with a saving strategy which should theoretically allow me to do a full fresh cycle in approximately September. While the waiting in between cycles is awful, there is always still the chance that we could fall pregnant by ourselves, so that will also be factored into my plans.

Have I mentioned that I love this clinic? Where so many other clinics fail because they’re so focused on the physical, this is  the first time I feel like the clinic and its staff care about my emotional well being as well. When I’ve been afraid they’ve comforted me, when I’ve been in pain I’ve seen the concern in the Dr’s eyes as he tried to soothe me. During my 2ww, they are concerned about my emotional well being as well.

I’m glad I typed this post, its helped me to feel some what calmer as well.

Now, Dear God, I’d like to make it through the next 3 days with no spotting!

March 22, 2009
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19 Comments

  • Reply Lea White

    It sounds like you are at the right clinic for you, I’m so glad. I think it is always important to be happy with the people caring for you!!! I love their list. I think it is so important that they also take the emotional side in consideration, because whilst there are a lot of physical things, there are just as many emotional things involved too.

    All I have to offer is hugs, prayers and lots and lots of positive thoughts every single step of the way!

    March 22, 2009 at 9:17 am
  • Reply ^WiseGuy^

    Thanks for sharing the Vitalab advice on post ET what-to-believe and hold-on-to.

    I have my fingers crossed for you.

    March 22, 2009 at 12:18 pm
  • Reply 'Murgdan'

    Wow. Those ARE great instructions. Sounds like you ended up in the right place! Now…I hope there are NO spots anywhere near your future….

    March 22, 2009 at 2:29 pm
  • Reply Flower

    I love your blog 🙂

    I am praying that this is IT for you. So far so good. Everything about this cycle is just so perfect!!

    Thanks for posting those tips….I am going to bookmark this information in my HEAD…LOL

    Thinking of you and sending you some positive vibes

    ICLW

    March 22, 2009 at 2:53 pm
  • Reply Jo

    Again, great advice. Thanks for sharing — it makes me feel better that I, too, flip flop between positive and negative feelings about this cycle, and having a backup plan in place.

    Hoping and praying that this is it for you!

    March 22, 2009 at 4:29 pm
  • Reply Shell

    Holding thumbs, crossing my fingers, legs and everything else that I can for you! Hoping and praying that this is your miracle cycle!!
    xx

    March 22, 2009 at 5:04 pm
  • Reply Amy

    You clinic sounds spectacular! What great advice! Just be free to feel what you need to feel! I am so happy that you found this clinic and that you have had such great results. You are finally being treated like a PERSON and not just another number for their IVF statistics. I heart your clinic! Best of luck and positive wishes to you, W, and your embies! ((((HUGS))))

    March 22, 2009 at 7:24 pm
  • Reply Sandy

    Hi Sharon,

    I’m on pins and needles with nothing but hope for you. I’ve enjoyed reading your blog since I found it and I find myself wishing wonderful things for you. You’ve certainly paid your dues and well deserve to join the ranks of the “no longer left behind”. Sending peaceful thoughts from Canada but knowing that the most they’ll do is take the very very edge off. My heart starts to race as I read your blog, you express yourself so well and I imagine I would be exactly the same way if I were to be in your situation. Big hugs and warm wishes.

    Sandy

    March 22, 2009 at 8:23 pm
  • Reply theworms

    I hope that you continue to feel calm and that you get your BFP. GL

    March 22, 2009 at 8:32 pm
  • Reply Barefoot

    Happy ICLW!

    I love the instructions your clinic gave you….there’s certainly enough for us to beat ourselves up over without sweating the small stuff. I’m wishing you the best of luck for these next several days — and sending good vibes!

    March 22, 2009 at 8:38 pm
  • Reply Carrie

    I second that prayer: no spotting and a BFP soon! 🙂

    Thank you for the list. As you know, I am in my 2WW, too and am a bit on edge, so your words were very soothing. I am like you- love plans B, C and on until I feel more safe with a “plan”. Sounds like you have a great one.

    thanks for the comment!

    Huge hugs!
    Carrie

    March 22, 2009 at 9:16 pm
  • Reply womb for improvement

    Good luck on the no spotting. And good tips.

    ICLW

    March 22, 2009 at 9:25 pm
  • Reply Tarah

    Wow! Your clinic sounds wonderful. Wishing you all the luck with this IVF!

    Tarah
    ICLW

    March 23, 2009 at 1:24 am
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  • Reply Louise Crooks

    Gosh I’ve been a little out of touch! Lots of baby dust to you Sharon! Its wonderful that you have found a clinic that you connect with so well! Having the emotional support is so important, and so often lacking in most of the clinics. If giving yourself permission to let go, is helping you to let go! then you should go for it! the last thing you need is to put more pressure on yourself, and then feel guilty about it too – talk about creating more negative energy! My suggestion would be to just see if you can distract yourself with doing some things that you love, so that you don’t feel like you’re in that panic mode all the time – the time will go more quickly and you might feel a lot better. Good luck, and lots of love!
    Coach Louise

    March 23, 2009 at 4:36 am
  • Reply Yvonne

    Go Sharon, go, Sharon, GO! GO! GO!

    Or should I be saying ‘Go embies, go embies…’;)

    The first thing I do every morning is log on and check if you have posted any updates. Am also very frustrated by the slow passing of time so can only imagine how it must be for you!

    Hang in there, not too long now.

    (((HUGS)))

    x

    March 23, 2009 at 8:19 am
  • Reply skrambled

    I am in total agreement! I can’t ‘see’ very clearly at the moment because I am so so scared. So this weekend I suggested my family tell me when I am going over the top. They do it in a very sensitive way so it works. IVF completely blinds you from reality. Especially in the TWW. I am positive for you! And I totally understand how hard it is to be a sparkly sunshine beam at this point. Thinking of you always.!!

    March 23, 2009 at 8:48 am
  • Reply Emmah

    I am praying for you, i really trust that is it for you. Up to so far u have done great.

    March 23, 2009 at 9:48 am
  • Reply Tam

    I love them too and that list makes so much sense, you can see that some realy thought has been put into it!!

    I’m so glad that it’s so far so good, I’m still on the positive side for you, I’m so sure that this is gonna work sweetie, like you said, everything is different this time! 😉 Big hugs xxx

    March 23, 2009 at 10:36 am
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