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Too Much Time To Think

I am not enjoying this FET cycle at all. Everyone warned me that it would feel like an anti climax after IVF cycles. That there just a whole lot of hurry up and wait with not a whole lot in between so I was pretty prepared for that. What I was no prepared for was that the periods of nothingness would leave me with so much time to think and worry and stress that I would land up being such a stress ball before anything had actually begun!

My current worry…. that after the thaw on Sunday we won’t have any viable embryo’s to transfer. I’ve been wringing my hands and mentally writhing under the stress that this thought, which I ‘d like to point out, hadn’t actually crossed my mind until my co-ordinator at the clinic informed me that when I arrive for my Intralipids on Monday morning I’d need to meet with them first to check if there was anything viable.

I keep trying to reassure myself that my IVF in March was text book, aside from the Stage 2 OHSS, that cycle was what most of us infertiles dream of. Everything went according to plan, everything was perfect, from the fab egg yield,  to the high fertilization rate, to the text book quality embryo’s, I couldn’t have asked for a better cycle. I keep telling myself that given the high quality embryo’s we froze on day 3, there must surely be at least 2 after the thaw that will be viable? Really? Surely? But somehow that thought, nor the assurances of my rainbow-farting friends, is giving me any comfort. I have a permanent knot in my stomach and I’m having concentration issues. Last night was so bad I went to bed in the end, in an attempt to shut my mind off, to escape from all the “what if” thoughts floating in my mind.

Getting the date of my follow up appointment yesterday didn’t help matters much either, I’ve been trying not to think too far ahead on this process, just trying (unsuccessfully) to get through one day at a time, now that I know there is a date set to discuss this treatments possible failure, its made the possiblity of failure all the more real for me.

Its going to be a loooong weekend, worrying, stressing about how my embryo’s, my possible child/children are doing……..

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13 Comments

  • Reply Zeu

    Sometimes all we have,is Faith. I know it is extremely difficult, but have Faith.

    We hope and pray for your miracle(s).

    September 25, 2009 at 9:41 am
  • Reply Lea White

    I wish there was something I could say that would give you comfort, peace of mind, speed up the time, take away some of the anxiety and stress. But what I can say is that I pray so very hard for you and that I think of you every second of every day!

    September 25, 2009 at 9:54 am
  • Reply nh

    It’s natural to worry – to have the ‘what if’s’. And no-one can take that away from you – but try to balance with positive and hopeful thoughts.

    ICLW

    September 25, 2009 at 11:15 am
  • Reply Cindy

    That is a perfectly normal fear, and one that I have heard voiced (and felt) from anyone going through the FET process. Thinking of you as you get closer to this process.

    September 25, 2009 at 11:29 am
  • Reply Rach

    I want to offer you helpful stress relieving words, words that will help take the worry away and offer hope but I’m at a loss of what to say and I hate that I can’t say anything to you that will help…..’cept to say that you will be in my thoughts and I’ll keep you there til you have your lil emby’s safely inside you, attaching and growing!!

    xxx

    September 25, 2009 at 1:15 pm
  • Reply Kari

    So sorry you have so much time for thinking about the “what-ifs”…they are so terrible. Sending you positive vibes for an excellent FET!!

    ICLW

    September 25, 2009 at 2:22 pm
  • Reply abs

    I have faith in your super embryos Sharon. I’m pretty sure you’ll be pleasantly surprised at the embryo choice for transfer on Tuesday. I’ve got lots of time to lie in bed and pray for you, so that’s just what I’m going to do. Sending you lots of RF’s and hugs. xx

    September 25, 2009 at 5:53 pm
  • Reply Kristin

    Just hold on tight to your faith and don’t let go Shaz! Prayign hard for you guys.

    September 25, 2009 at 10:12 pm
  • Reply FET Accompli

    I totally know what you mean about the permanent knot. Your embryos are awesome – sending hugs!

    September 26, 2009 at 4:25 am
  • Reply C

    I know there are no words that can take the worry and stress away, it’s the nature of the beast. Wishing you strength and success.

    September 26, 2009 at 9:21 am
  • Reply SCY

    Here for you my friend – all the way, only ever a call or text away – mkay?

    xxxx

    September 26, 2009 at 9:04 pm
  • Reply K

    I am the tail end of an IVF, my beta is monday. I so understand how you feel, it is so hard. Blessings and ((hugs))

    September 27, 2009 at 2:37 am
  • Reply Jenny

    I’ve been away. Glad to hear your ovaries co-operated. Of course you will be worrying – a new worry at every stage. I hope tomorrow brings good news…

    September 27, 2009 at 5:08 pm
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