What a weekend and thanks for all your incredibly supportive responses to my posting!
I must say, this weekend was pretty emotionally hard for me. I cried a lot! I cried so hard when I got home from the session on Saturday afternoon that my dog ran and hid under the bed – something she only ever does if W and I have a big fight or if I get very emotional!
This has been an amazing, emotional, unsettling experience. But above all, its given me peace. My own RE told me a few months ago that there is nothing wrong with me and that my inability to fall pregnant was Psychosomatic and in his words – “a pregnancy would be therapeutic for me”! Its is something I’ve suspected for a while now, after Saturday’s session I’m even more convinced, I’m starting to think that perhaps there is such a thing as….don’t slap or stone me… but perhaps there really is such a thing as “just relax & it will happen” for some of us??!! I have a huge amount of peace about the babies I’ve lost, I feel like I can finally stop beating myself up over it, I can shut up that internal dialogue that constantly told me I was a bad mother, that I killed my babies, that I was unworthy of creating these lives, that I was a failure as a woman, that I was a failure as a wife. I can stop all of that now, shut it up, its going to be hard, its become such habit to carry about a worlds worth of self loathing and self hatred on my shoulders and constantly lambaste myself for something I had no control over. But I’m going to work hard at it, starting with my repeated mantra of “I love myself, I love myself……….”
Its been liberating to have somebody acknowledge my babies, somebody who knew how to call them by name and acknowledge them for each individual that they are, somebody that didn’t refer to them as miscarriages, somebody who didn’t secretly think that perhaps after so many years I should be over it by now. Somebody that I felt safe enough with to totally let the grief out and boy, once it started coming out, I couldn’t stop it. When she told me that my babies were saying they loved me and they never intended for this fulfilment of what is to be to hurt me so much, the little bits of Band Aid that was holding my heart together ripped off and my heart came apart. I feel like I’m now finally in a position to allow it to start healing properly, no more bits of plaster to keep it together, it can heal fully and completely now.
I also have peace that they will always be with me, that I will carry a part of them with me forever. But I also feel now like I can move on, like I can let go of the pain I’ve held so close and perhaps start to discover what true joy is? Perhaps now my body will begin to prepare itself for that baby that God promised me so many many years ago?
As my emotions have calmed over the past day, so to have the rather extraordinary symptoms from the treatment faded. For the first 24 hours or so, I experienced a really soapy taste in my mouth and could hard eat or drink because everything tasted so bad. I had weird hot poker type pains in the top of my right foot and lower back and I had period pains in my uterus and over my ovaries.
In closing, a couple of braver types ( 🙂 ) have asked me my thoughts on having Reiki in terms of my Christian faith. I found a wonderful website that pretty much covers exactly how I feel: Reiki For Christians