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Two Steps Back

After the shocking news of Elize’s loss yesterday and her planned D&C today, I’ve taken a few steps back and I’m back to asking to TTC or CTT?

Where will this all end? Will there be a happy ending? Will it actually be worth all the heartache and pain? I really really don’t know the answers to all these questions. I do know that the news of Elize’s fourth loss has sent me into a downward spiral, even further into the black depression that has been engulfing me for weeks, now complete with extreme anxiety and even a little panic attack thrown in for good measure yesterday. I really hope that my RE will come back to me today with that script for the AD’s, I clearly need them.

I’m back to questioning whether we should push ahead or not, whether we should give up our frozen embryo’s for adoption. I know thinking of this absolutely terrifies me, but so does going on right now.

Perhaps I shouldn’t be making any decisions right now.

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21 Comments

  • Reply Rach

    You last sentence was the answer you’re looking for right now. Now is not the time to make ANY decisions on such an important issue.

    Take some time to get YOU right, back to at least feeling a little better about not only yourself but also the situation you find yourself in right now.

    I too have faced the do we stop TTC or keep TTC many times and each time I go back on my decision, I’ve committed 10 years so far to nothing but heartache and miscarriages and as tough as thats been, I know I’m not ready to walk away just yet. In the next breath I KNOW for sure that I’m not ready to commit the next 10 years to what the last has been full of….

    Ironic but….babysteps is what you need right now, conquer one thing before even THINKING of the next!

    xxxxxx

    April 7, 2009 at 8:30 am
  • Reply Lea White

    I would very much like to ask you to take some time for yourself. You’ve just gone through something pretty major, challenging and devastating and I’m sure you have all these questions swirling in your head.

    Do know that I am constantly keeping you in my prayers and thoughts!!!!!

    April 7, 2009 at 8:45 am
  • Reply Adel

    Elize’s news was a shock to me to, Shaz!

    I know that there must be an answer, what it is, remains to be answered.

    Good luck!

    April 7, 2009 at 8:54 am
  • Reply ^WiseGuy^

    It is heartbreaking. I did leave a message for her.

    When will it end? When?

    April 7, 2009 at 8:56 am
  • Reply Maria

    was wondering….can you read afrikaans?

    April 7, 2009 at 9:01 am
  • Reply dee

    Shoo, its so much to digest right now. I think you should start on those AD’s and take it from there. Dont make any decisions right now.

    PS Im totally shocked by Elize’s news, I have goosebumps and tears in my eyes for her.

    April 7, 2009 at 9:26 am
  • Reply Sue

    I’m so sorry Sharon. Please please take some time out, hopefully you’ll get that script for ADs soon, and maybe just separate yourself from TTC for a while. When you’re ready and in a better place, then you can start making these kinds of huge decisions. Thinking of you. And Elize.

    April 7, 2009 at 9:33 am
  • Reply samcy

    My friend, no decisions right now. Wait until you’ve got the script and wait until you’ve been on the AD’s for a few days before doing something you might not be ready to do.

    xxx

    April 7, 2009 at 10:29 am
  • Reply Murgdan

    Take some time for you first…you want to be in the right place before you make a decision like that. (just my opinion). So sorry about Elize…

    April 7, 2009 at 11:11 am
  • Reply Stefanie

    I agree with most of the ladies, don’t be to hasty and make your decisions right now

    April 7, 2009 at 1:13 pm
  • Reply Adi

    Have wine, have sushi, trash your folic acid down the toilet if you want to rebel and be angry! But, no no no no not the embies. Giving them away won’t solve today’s problem and may make you a new problem tomorrow. Just let them be for now. Take care of yourself, and yes, don’t make decisions when emotions are running – as a rule. But, yes, be angry. Be sad. Just don’t act on it with anything major or external that has impact, like you know, taking a hammer to your car or, ehm, resigning your job, cutting off all your hair (phew, just missed that one) or whatever. Go and carefully choose all the cheap ugly plates you hate in your kitchen and smash them. Go and jump in a pool and shout for as long and hard as you can underwater. Then pee in the pool.

    But most important: do stuff that cares for you too. Go buy some new plates, go out for a beautiful meal at the most expensive restaurant in town and, most important, replace the stupid folic a. with AD’s. THEY ARE AWESOME and you will be in a much, much better position to tackle this crap stuff. Lots of love.

    April 7, 2009 at 2:03 pm
  • Reply Shalini White

    I think the Perhaps at the end of your post says it all… these decisions are huge, emotionally draining and worst of all… once embies given away… final. I know how hard and painful this shit is, but sometimes, when you’re down, the only way to pull yourself back out again is to realise that you won’t give up yet. Sure, there is a line out there somewhere, but you’re not there yet. I can’t tell you for sure, but when I was pregnant with my daughter, YES it was worth all the heartache and all the pain, every single needle jab, headache, bit of nausea and constant PMS. It’s what we’re in this shitty game for.

    I’m so sorry about your friend’s news. As a multiple miscarrier I can imagine a bit what she is going through. I tried to leave her a message but it didn’t work on her blog. Please send her my thoughts. Its so fucking unfair.

    xx

    April 7, 2009 at 2:38 pm
  • Reply Cruella Deville

    Hey there,

    I am so glad that you asked for a script for the AD`s. I totally agree with the posts above that recommend doing things which will be good for your soul too, even though you don`t feel like doing anything at the moment. I know depression all too well, and I`ve been battling with a shit bout of it for the past couple of weeks too. Depression makes me act on impulse and then I`m sorry about what I`ve done afterwards….
    Please don`t get rid of the frosties, you are going to regret it later on.

    I think about you a lot.

    April 7, 2009 at 2:57 pm
  • Reply Sandy

    Awww Sharon, huge hugs as you go through this. I agree with all the others, now is not the time to be making decisions, particularly life changing ones. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of last week and give some time for the ADs to take effect. My dr wasn’t willing to prescribe ADs until I had been 10 months into grief process, but I had been relatively happy prior to the miscarriage so she wanted to make sure that I got through the grief. She said the ADs would help jump start the emotions to a more “normal” rather than hypersensitive triggers. I didn’t end up going on them because I wanted to give the grief a year. But again, I had only had a year of pain, so my situation is very specific to me.

    In your situation your body and mind has been at war for the last seven years with limited respite, I think that counts as sufficient time in the battle zone. AD away and I hope they help you.

    Sending patience and hugs to the ether.

    Sandy

    April 7, 2009 at 2:59 pm
  • Reply Kristin

    Now is definitely not the time to make any life changing decisions. Hope you get the AD soon. I remember what wonders they did for me.

    April 7, 2009 at 4:04 pm
  • Reply jodie38

    Taking a break might be a good idea for now. We did – twice. Don’t make big decisions until you’re on a more even keel. Be kind to yourself, take some time.

    Hugs to you and your friend….

    April 7, 2009 at 6:10 pm
  • Reply CeCe Garrett

    Hugs…

    no decisions yet hun. I know the last thing you want to read/hear is anything Bible.. but while reading your post and all the comments… Psalm 46:10 kept going through my head: “be still and know that I am God”

    I think its time for you to rest a little, be nice to Sharon, and listen for God’s voice. I love you and am here when you need me.

    CeCe

    April 7, 2009 at 6:27 pm
  • Reply stacey

    I have to agree with the comments here – give yourself some time before making any big decisions!

    I’m praying for you and for Elize today.

    April 7, 2009 at 7:23 pm
  • Reply Jeannine

    Churchill said it’s not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog. And you just seem to have so much fight in you that I can’t see you giving up and feeling happy. It’s a personal thing on which to comment, and this may be out of line, but you seem like someone who will go on until all possibilities are exhausted. If things, by some horrible remote chance, don’t work you will know you tried everything you could, with every ounce of your being. While there’s life, there’s hope!

    April 7, 2009 at 7:48 pm
  • Reply Elize

    I actually don’t even know where to start or what to say. Your failed IVF had hurt me just as much as my mc hurt you. I so wished I could be there for you, but felt completely unable to do so. Everything I said sounded so empty.

    I agree with the others about not letting your totsicles go, about giving yourself time and starting those AD’s ASAP. But I understand completely your need to stop. Completely. I don’t think I’ll ever come to term with stopping, but I hope to be a little more at peace with myself. I so want this to end, especially the heartache, pain and disappointment. And I can imagine that you feel the same.

    I’ll always be here for you, and hope that one day we will both be victorious on this journey. But not just me and you. All of us, all the girls I’ve gotten to know and love the last few years. I understand that my m/c makes you question your own journey, because I felt the same way when I heard about your IVF, as well as Sam’s and Maritza’s and it just resonated within me that I do not want to continue on this path. Even though I was pg when all this happened I still at that point knew that things could go wrong for me (exept the last week, when I foolishly believed it won’t) and I purposed in my heart that if something would happen that it would be the end for me. And here I sit. It is the end for me.

    I hope you find peace and healing and I pray for you everyday. You have such a strong desire to be a mom that I don’t believe you will give up. My hope and prayer is that you will be a mom, sooner rather than later.

    April 7, 2009 at 9:01 pm
  • Reply loribeth

    I agree, not the time for any big decisions. I’m not sure how old you are, but I do know it’s very hard to take a break, especially when you feel the clock is winding down. But it can really help. Take some time away from the ttc rat race to be really good to yourself & do some fun things with your dh. Eventually, the answers will become clear(er) to you.

    April 8, 2009 at 3:53 am
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