Two Years Today

 

miscarriage-remeberance1 

Its been two years since  I was last pregnant, its been two years since I lay on the bed in my Dr’s office, having one of many LOVELY dildo cam scans, hearing him sigh and his shoulders droop and just knowing what was coming. Hearing him say: “The baby has stopped growing” and feeling myself turn ice cold. Two years since I walked out of his office in a total daze, having the full realization of what he just said hit me, having my legs buckle underneath me just as I got into the center of a packed waiting room. Hearing the whispers as I sobbed uncontrollably in a waiting room of infertile couples. Two years since the realization I was going to have to face my worst fear for the 6th time in 4 years

Its been two years since I learnt how much my “friends” could hurt me. When contacting my two pregnant best friends to tell them the news, having one of them, we’ll call her E, not even respond, she simply acted as if nothig had happened, as if I hadn’t just received the shattering news that my baby was dead. And my other friend, we’ll call her A, ask me if there wasn’t something the Dr’s could do? Um, well unless you have the potion to create and “undead” baby then I’m afraid there is nothing anybody can do.

Of all my miscarriages my 6th miscarriage was by far the most painful in every aspect. Not just because of what I’ve described above. But because shortly after those exchanges, my friend A would tell me that the world does not revolve around me and my miscarriage and that I should “get over myself” and then her and E wouldsystematically go about cutting both W and I from there lives. It was like I ceased to exist, like my pain never counted and that we’d never been part of their lives. Whenever somebody talks about painful experiences, this is the first thing that comes to my mind. Not my painful divorce from my abusive, cheating ex-husbandor the many hurtful situations with my brother or any of the other painful experiences I’ve had, this is the one that has scarred me forever.

Its this situation that caused my obsession with fertility treatments last year. Its this situation that made me push my husband, myself, my body and our finances to breaking point. It was this situation that made me, month after month, force my body through some kind of fertility treatment despite how sick I felt, despite how miserable my husband was, despite how broke we were, I did not care, I had one thought and one thought only: “I have got to be pregnant before their babies are born” (15 June & 25 June). It was the only thing I could think of, the only thing I felt that would get me through the trauma I knew lay ahead of me. The only way I felt I could cope with passing the due date (5 July) of the baby we’d lost. The only way I could feel that I was not a failure, that I was worthy of motherhood, that I was just as deserving as everyone else. But I was too learn a hard, expensive, painful lesson, sometimes, desire and work do not always equal success, that this thing was beyond my control and there was nothing I could do to change the outcomes. The outcomes were predetermined and they were NOT determined by me.

At the time of my last miscarriage, I thought I was going to die, the pain in my heart was so unbearable, my whole body ached, I didn’t want to face it, I didn’t want to get through it, I just wanted to curl up into a tiny ball and cry and cry and cry until every tiny cell that made up the whole of me would dissolve into nothingness. I remember phoning my psychologist I was seeing at the time and telling her I was going to off myself. She sent W home to come and keep an eye on me, they really thought I was going to do something to myself, to be honest, I don’t know how I didn’t, because I visualized it, I wanted to drive my car at high speed into a tree but I was afraid I’d land up not killing myself and land up spending the rest of my life in a vegetative state. I remember her saying sternly to me: “Sharon, its NOT your life you want to end, its your PAIN you want to end”.

Too true!!!

November 21, 2008
Previous Post Next Post

27 Comments

  • Reply Suzanna Catherine

    I am so very sorry for your anguish over your last m/c and the dreadful way you were treated by your *so called* friends. I wish there was something I could do or say to make it better. Sending you hugs.

    November 21, 2008 at 6:46 am
  • Reply Elize

    (((Hugs))) my friend.

    November 21, 2008 at 6:52 am
  • Reply Stacey

    Sharon, you have such a beautiful way of writing even the most tragic words. I’m sorry for your two-year mark, for those crappy reactions from those friends, and for all the pain you’ve suffered for far too long. You are such a strong and amazing woman, and an inspiration to so many, even if you don’t feel like it. Much love to you today all the way from Texas!

    November 21, 2008 at 8:08 am
  • Reply Michelle

    Shaz you will be in my thoughts today and over the weekend too. Stacey is so right when she says you have a beautiful way with words. My heart goes out to you and W and I hope that this truly painful journey comes to a happy end soon. Love you lots my friend.

    November 21, 2008 at 8:24 am
  • Reply Lesley

    I really don’t know what to say that could comfort you on this painful anniversary. I am thinking of you and I hope that joy will find a way to enter your life. If you want to meet for a big bottle of wine when you’re in Cape Town it’s on me.

    November 21, 2008 at 8:55 am
  • Reply Katherine

    Hi Sharon

    I am so, so very sorry that you not only had to endure 6 heart-breaking m/c’s but to lose your friends just when you needed them most. I guess one will never, ever understand why. I just pray that you will be pregnant again soon and will also be able to deal with the fear that will come with that. It’s what I struggle with so much.

    November 21, 2008 at 9:55 am
  • Reply Abbey

    Hi Sharon,

    I am one of your many lurkers…..too shy to write a comment incase it’s not witty or intelectual enough….but I figure if I wait to become witty and intelectual I’ll be waiting forever ;0) I just had to break my silence though and tell you that I read your blog everyday and you have such a way of expressing your thoughts, fears, worries and pain that it is as if I’m reading my very own thoughts from some time or another along this crappy journey. I feel like I’m in the “Truman Show”…you know the movie….and what I’m thinking is being put down onto your blog by someone reading my mind. The only way I know it’s not my own thoughts are becuase you express yourself in such a way that it all seems so perfectly clear and logical….half the time I dont know how I feel or what I think but when I read your blog I think…yes, that’s exactly how I feel too! Anyway….rambling again now….see how badly my thoughts go round in circles like this! I’m so grateful for your blog…you make sense of what I’m feeling in a way that I cannot do for myself if you know what I’m saying…thanks Sharon for being you. You are such an awsome chick. I think you’re such fun, so honest and an absolute genious at communicating the thoughts and feelings of an infertile. Dont let others peoples ignorance hurt you Sharon. They should feel ashamed for how they treated you and I hope they read this blog and feel downright stupid for the way they acted. You make the world a better place just by being you!

    Keep up the brilliant blogging!
    XX

    November 21, 2008 at 11:07 am
  • Reply dee

    All I can say is that I am so sorry for what you have been through but look – you are such a beautiful strong woman now that we all look up to. xxx

    November 21, 2008 at 11:43 am
  • Reply Lea White

    Thinking of you and sending prayers and hugs. I’m so sorry that the people who you thought were your friends were not more supportive. That was a time you really needed their support.

    Hope the flight went okay.

    November 21, 2008 at 11:48 am
  • Reply Murgdan

    While I don’t know the pain of miscarriage…I do know the pain of betrayal by so called friends. When telling a ‘friend’ recently about the struggle we were having and the issues with male factor IF I was advised, “Well, you unless you want to divorce him there’s not much else you can do…but you know that is an option”

    What? I tell you about my hugest pain in the world…pain not only FOR me but FOR him…and your suggestion is to find someone with more sperm!?! WHAAAAAA!!

    Well I’ll be your friend, Shaz……..and I will at least buy you a good strong drink when you need it!

    November 21, 2008 at 12:51 pm
  • Reply Maritza

    Those painful milestones…how we all dread them. So sorry for all the pain u’ve had to endure.

    In my thoughts.

    M

    November 21, 2008 at 1:08 pm
  • Reply Mel

    Sorry for the pain you are feeling today, sorry for the pain you felt on this day 2 years ago, sorry for the pain of being betrayed by two friends, most of all sorry for the pain of not being a mother yet.
    Many of us who read your blog all have one thing in common, we are childless, and i dont know about anyone else, but i feel like a failour every month when AF arrives, another month gone by and still no pregnancy. But due to your stength, and beautiful words i keep going, everytime i want to give up i read your words and it keeps me going.

    Please dont give up and please dont stop blogging. I love your blog, it is always interesting, and heart warming.

    Keep smiling

    November 21, 2008 at 1:52 pm
  • Reply Sian

    You are in my thoughts. You ARE so strong.

    November 21, 2008 at 2:39 pm
  • Reply C

    So sorry. Lets hope the pain ends for us all soon!

    November 21, 2008 at 2:43 pm
  • Reply C

    I like tha new look & new tag line, its more about you & not about IF!

    November 21, 2008 at 2:49 pm
  • Reply Sue Stuart

    Thinking of you today. I’m so sorry for the bum hand you’ve been dealt.

    November 21, 2008 at 4:02 pm
  • Reply monica lemoine

    Shaz – this is a brilliantly honest and in-depth post. Here’s my English teacher voice coming out: “You’ve provided a very nice analysis of the multiple ways in which your losses have affected various aspects of your life.” I’m terribly sorry for your MULTIPLE miscarriages. Honestly, it transcends what I’m really capable of imagining. I just know how awful one is, and then another. It’s all sad and yucky.

    Stay strong, chin up, keep writing and believing. If doctors do ever come up with a magical undead baby potion, though, let me know.

    November 21, 2008 at 5:22 pm
  • Reply B

    Hiya – newbia ICLW commentor here. Your writing is beautiful and poignant. I feel your pain oozing out of your words. Ah sweetie, I wish no one would ever have to go through the pain that you and I and all of the others who have experienced multiple losses feel. Unfortunately, we do go through the pain and we go through it every day. I have no witty smart reply to say to make it all better. Just know that you are not alone. Many of us struggle every day. I wish you the best and am sending you a virtual hug. (p.s. isn’t the comment to you from “Abby” so nice!? what a compliment.)

    November 21, 2008 at 9:32 pm
  • Reply nh

    (((hugs)))
    You are in my thoughts.

    November 21, 2008 at 10:55 pm
  • Reply jodie38

    A very, very wise comment your shrink made. All that pain….. I hear you. And those “friends”? Wipe that time out of your mind. Nobody who was ever your friend would treat you in such a harsh manner after your loss. That event is damaging every time you think about it, gives it more power than it deserves. Easier said than done, I know (believe me) – but try not to dwell on how much stupid people have hurt you. Those f*uckers are everywhere!

    All of this is overwhelming and most of it is out of our control. It requires a daily evaluation of your physical and mental well-being (cause mine changes several times a day, don’t know about you). Take it one day at a time, and remember to breathe. Time and patience…….

    I wish I had something more helpful to tell you, but it’s the only thing that has worked (however slowly) for me.

    If you find something better (even if it’s illegal), you’ll share won’t you?

    Hang in there….:)

    November 22, 2008 at 1:12 am
  • Reply Shawna

    So sorry Shaz. Words just can’t describe how horribly I feel for you. You’ve been through so much, I really hope this year coming up is the year of miracles for you. (((hugs)))

    November 22, 2008 at 7:18 am
  • Reply Is

    hi, Sharon
    I had 5 misscarriages in a row, I know the hopeless and lost that we become. I am right now in tears, i dont know what to say, i know nothing that i say help in any way. I hope some day we have a beautiful , healthy baby in our arms. I just know we need to keep fighting. Sorry for my english, I really just know a little bit and I very shy, but I need to say how much I feel you pain. I hope this year to comes your miracle baby be real. Wish the pain stop.
    Is

    November 22, 2008 at 11:23 am
  • Reply Sweepea

    Hi Sharon

    I am truly sorry for the losses of your babies and of the people you thought were your friends. I really wish your treatment in Jan gives you a healthy beautiful baby. You are such a strong person and I hope this time of testing with IF is ending.

    November 22, 2008 at 8:44 pm
  • Reply Kirsty Weaver

    Well written Sharon. Whilst I have never suffered from IF or miscarriage, I have been betrayed by so called “friends”
    I came to the realisation that there are “Reason”, “Season” and “Lifetime” friends.
    “Reason” friends are in your life for a particular reason, and will dissapear when that reason dissapears. It may be for you to help them, it may be for them to help you.
    “Season” friends are friends that come into your life at particular periods. You may lose contact over time, either due to Geography, growing up, or merely growing in different directions.
    “Life time” friends are those rare gems. They are always there for you, always understand you and you should remain friends forever.
    It’s these friends that you need to hang onto with both hands. They are precious.
    All the others, you can forget!
    Thinking of you!
    K x

    November 22, 2008 at 9:19 pm
  • Reply samcy

    My dear friend, I have been thinking of you this weekend, knowing the pain you’re going through. I pray daily that this journey ends soon with a live baby or two for you and W.

    You are a strong, amazing woman and I know you will overcome. I know it.

    Love you
    xxx

    November 22, 2008 at 9:30 pm
  • Reply Karen

    Wow Sharon! You have such a gift at putting into words what many can only feel but not express adequately. Everything you wrote takes me back to my 2 miscarriages and your description of the scans brought me to tears. Nothing is ever the same after the first loss – the innocence and happy excitement of being pregnant is gone, replaced by the fear of another loss to come. And your `friends’? One of my oldest and closest friends reaction to my second loss was. `Well you know Karen, we all have our cross to bear. My kids are driving me round the bend!’
    Just want to thank you for blogging. You are so much stronger than you realise and you are an inspiration to many of us. I am sorry for all the pain you are feeling at this time and hope better days and motherhood are just around the corner.

    Love Karen

    November 23, 2008 at 5:53 am
  • Reply KED

    Sharon,
    I’m so sorry about your loss-both your miscarriage and your friends. I think one thing I’ve learned in the midst of infertility is that people can be hugely insensitive, even the people you’d expect more from. The most insensitive thing that’s been said to me came from someone who been through a dozen IVF cycles. Go figure. On the other hand, like all difficult situations, it really shows you who are really your friends. Maybe they were worried it was catching (considering the comment from “friend” A, you never know what she really thinks?! I liked the questions about RSA, I’m glad it’s not just Americans–and a friend’s wife, oh an our almost (thank goodness NOT) vice president who thought Africa was a country–who are really dumb about other countries huh?

    Anyway, I had a questions for you . . . did your RE have any thoughts/comments on your period starting on day 5 after ET? The same thing has happened to me, last time it was day 6 and this time day 5. It just seems off to me.

    Happy Holidays!

    November 24, 2008 at 1:47 am
  • I LOVE comments, leave yours here:

    You may also like

    %d bloggers like this: