Waiting

Have you ever noticed that everything that involves infertility has the same sort of theme? Hurry up and wait? Wait for your period, wait to start injectins, wait for ovulation, wait for Dr’s, wait for procedures, wait for your period to be late, wait for test results, wait for fertilization reports, wait wait wait wait wait aaaaaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhhh!!!!!!!

Did I ever tell you I’m one of the most impatient people you will ever meet? All this waiting is killing me!!! You would think after 7 years I would be better at hurry up and wait, but in fact I think I’m worse at it now than what I was 7 years ago.

So it was with much disgust that I jumped out of bed this am, in the hope of finding the long awaited visit by Aunt Flo, no such luck!!!! I guess I was being overly optimistic, I mean, really I only took my last BCP on Wednesday, so I should prepare myself for waiting a few more days.

But I feel like an athlete, preparing to run a marathon, crouched down in the starting blocks, every nerve and muscle quivering in anticipation and the starting gun doesn’t fire………

Its so frustrating but this is still the easy part, I’m going to try and enjoy this part before it all starts. Somebody commented on my blog earlier this week, something so profound, it really struck a chord with me, I’ve been telling it to all my IF sisters who’ve had IVF and they’ve all agreed:

IVF is a strange beast, unlike everything else in life that gets easier the more times you do it, gets less scary the more times you do it, IVF is the total opposite. The more you do it, the more scary it becomes, the more difficult it becomes. This is #4 for me, I’m pretty scared, I wish I could go into this naive and innocent, but I already know to much, I know what its like to have a painful ER, I know what its like to have sedation fail duriing ER, I know what its like to hear that the round is being cancelled because of no fertilization, I know what its like to have to many injections and blood thinners that you walk around looking like a purple polka dot, I know what is like to call in for embryo reports and hear how slowly slowly your precious embryo’s die off. I know what its like to start bleeding only 5 days after transfer and have everyone tell you tell you to relax and think positively its probably implantation, I know what its like to want to believe that to be true but to know in my heart of hearts that the bleeding is because my precious embryo’s are dead. I know what its like to wake up in the middle of the night and agonize over whether or not my precious embryo’s are attaching inside me, I know what its like to lie awake every night agonizing over where we’ll get the money try again if this round fails. I know all of this and I’m scared for what lies ahead.

I also know that you can, without a shadow of a doubt proclaim that you have the testicles and stamina of a raging bull if you can get through an IVF with you sanity still in tact. I know I have what it takes, because I”ve done it before, I know I can do this.

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