Walter Drops A Bomb…

This morning we had brunch at Mugg & Bean and Walter allowed words to fall out of his mouth that almost caused me to choke and have had my head in a spin ever since………….

“I think we should start trying again… naturally…”

Dudes, do you know how huge this is? Up until that very moment he had  been fairly resistant to the thought of a another child. So for him to come so far out of left field and whack me with that statement has me in a bit of a tizz.

I’m not sure I’m ready to go back to worrying about cycle days and ovulation and home tests and hope and disappointment over and over and over again. Having said that, I’m not totally against it either, what I am totally against is more treatment. I cannot face any more treatment and I don’t think Walter would want to either. Both of us have lost faith in treatment, the simple fact of the matter is that we’ve seen it fail repeatedly too many times, in our own situations and for the people closest to us. In all the years, I had ONE BFP from treatment, all my other BFP’s were from natural conception and granted, I haven’t had a natural BFP in going on 4 years, but I suppose, the mere fact that it happened by itself means that its not completely impossible to think that it could happen again. Walters philiosophy is that now that the pressure to have a child is off us, now that we’re not frantically worried that we may never have a child, perhaps now it will work?

But do I want to open that can of worms again? Do I want to face the uncertainty of climbing back on the TTC wagon brings. Do I want to face the possiblity of another pregnancy, remembering that pregnancy is actually a horrible, horrible, anxious time for me.

I just don’t know!


  • mayflowerladybugs

    May 1, 2010 at 8:37 pm

    Oi wei! Well, look at me. 1.5 months off BCP and I had my very first ever natural BFP, and granted it didn’t work out but still. The pressure was/is off us as well and voila. I have come to believe that the stress of TTC plays a large role in IF and if we (IF’ers) could manage to “just relax” it may actually work. We are most certainly finished with any kind of treatment as well. I was just tonight saying to my husband that although this has been a truly awful experience, the IVF experience was way worse (for me anyway). So ja. Perhaps we can be naturally-TTC buddies and you never know, right? xx

  • Yvonne

    May 1, 2010 at 9:24 pm

    Shu Shaz that is a huge, huge decision, and one that only you and W can make.

    The only thing I’d like to add…and this is only from my point of view obviously…when my daughter was 17 months old I fell pregnant with my son (planned). We were desperate for another baby, we didn’t want the gap to be too big etc was all very much planned and we were ecstatic when I fell pregnant again. BUT as wonderful as it was, and as much as I wouldn’t change it for all the world – it was TOUGH. There was huge guilt associated with it, suddenly I was too tired/nauseous to give all my attention to my dd (who was still really little!) I couldn’t carry her around all the time, I wasn’t as patient as usual etc etc. And that was for me – I had a textbook easy pregnancy with minimal nausea etc so I’m sure it could’ve been a lot worse! Later on when my bump was massive i couldn’t carry her at all, I couldn’t cuddle her close there was always a bump in the way etc. I just often felt that it would be easier to deal with that stuff if she had been old enough to understand what was happening. She didn’t have a clue! That said it worked out brilliantly and all is good.


    I don’t mean to be insensitive and I really hope i’m not talking out of turn but given your history I think you have to accept that there is a big chance that a pregnancy might be complicated. And now that you have AG to deal with it makes everything so much tougher. Trying to give your everything to a young LO whilst dealing with a high risk pregnancy will be really, really tough.

    It is not my place to say you shouldn’t try again naturally, and in any way that is not even what I am trying to say. I’m just trying to put stuff out there from the top of my head, whilst all these thoughts are going through yours.

    Big big hugs, how exciting that W is coming around to the idea of #2!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂


    PS Sorry for the essay!!

  • zamom

    May 2, 2010 at 11:38 am

    I guess this means he’s open to adopting again!?I really wouldn’t know what to suggest. Men can easily just put it to the back of their minds but us infertile girls are a whole other breed. I guess you could just try and see whether it takes over your life or not. Are you able to just forget about it from month to month and not start thinking about age gaps, due dates, etc.,etc. I honestly found more internal angst and pressure with TTC #2 than I ever felt with #1, but maybe that’s just me. I can fortunately say that those unbelievably powerful feelings of wanting a child have thankfully disappeared after having #2.

  • taryn29

    May 2, 2010 at 2:40 pm

    I think that is so sweet of Walter, yet I totally understand your concerns, its a big decision. Let it brew a while, the answer will come to you my friend.

  • niseysmusings

    May 2, 2010 at 5:11 pm

    Wow! A bomb indeed! Only you know what you can handle, only you (not even W) can know what is in your heart.

  • TJ

    May 2, 2010 at 6:55 pm

    I meant to say… since my cycles returned… it’s been difficult not to know the fertile days, not to track it. And not being on contraceptives … you constantly think about it. I’ve done about 6 stick tests 4 before my cycles returned. and 2 between my 1st and 2nd. It’s crazy! I won’t hate it if we fall pregnant with #2, but it’s going to be tough if it happens now.

    DH and myself actually had a long chat about this today as well! Must be the weather!

  • tzipieastwest

    May 3, 2010 at 9:07 am

    Wonderful idea but, to me, this sounds a bit early !
    Just my personnal feeling nothing more than that !
    Hope you feel what is right for you and whatever you decide, best of luck !!

  • marina1605

    May 3, 2010 at 11:32 am

    Good luck with your decision, not one to be taken lightly and only you know what is best for you and your family.

    Lots of love

  • bratty37

    May 3, 2010 at 1:16 pm

    What a Bomb!….but like you blog is titled “I Believe in Miracles” … I say “Give it some serious thought”…it could be the best thing you have ever done…smile

  • Mash

    May 4, 2010 at 4:25 pm

    Holy crap if you’ll excuse my french. These boys have a way of throwing little surprises our way, don’t they?

    Methinks only, and really only, if you can avoid the stress and the feeling of the failing body etc. Perhaps it will be a doddle, fabulous, but if it isn’t… can you avoid the pain of IF the second time around? Maybe it will be so much easier since you are both on the same page about adoption and that option will always still be available to you?

    I’ve hardly ever given a thought to child number two, since the event of child number one is still so uncertain!


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