We All Feel It, We All Do It – Judgement

Posted in Parenting by

Yes, yes, I’m sure some people will be rolling there eyes and getting all huffy or a bit “subtweety” when they read the title of this blog post, but this is a subject I want to touch on (again) after reading this months article in the Your Baby magazine on judgement.

yb_nov_cover_300w (1)

 

You can read the full article here: judging parents

I have, on numerous occasions, lamented the fact that I feel judged by other mothers. But, thankfully, I am not the type of person who lacks self awareness. I am able to take criticism on the chin, think about what has been said, internalize it and learn something from it without resorting to childish behaviour. Believe it or not, I am a thinker, I do mull things over, and while I may not always respond to everything that is said to me, I do think about it and try to learn something or take something away from it. I am also guilty of having a knee jerk reaction to situations or statements, that is not a strong point of mine, but one that I can acknowledge, live and deal with.

After my last blog post about judgement, which you can read here, I really did spend some time thinking about all that was said and I came to the following conclusions:

  • My feeling judged has everything to do with my own insecurities and very little to do with anyone actually judging me.
  • I do have a party pack size of Simba chips on my shoulder, something I need to learn to come to terms with, about my path to motherhood. Make no mistake, I regret nothing and can’t imagine my journey having a happier ending than the one it had but, it all happened so fast that I never got the chance to grieve the end of my genetics, the pregnancy and birth experience. This is something that I need to work through and come to terms with in my own time. It is something I have wrapped tightly in a little box and pushed into the corner of my mind.
  • My own insecurities about my abilities as a mother – I think this is largely due to the emphasis that is placed on pregnancy and birth as part of the motherhood experience and obviously something I have no experience with, which does lead me to feel lacking. Note that I said makes me feel, this is key for me, because I know it’s me that is making me feel this way and no one else.

I read the Your Baby mag article and felt like a belonged. I belonged to group of women called Mommy’s, who regardless of how they came to be mothers, regardless of the choices they made, regardless of how they gave birth, chose to breast feed or not, chose to practise attachment parenting or sleep training, all felt judged in varying degrees.

Your Baby Mag tweeted this this morning:

In our latest issue we talk about judging moms and being judged by moms. Have you ever felt judged? And for what?

I watched the responses with interest….. and noted again that ALL Mom’s feel judged, regardless of their choices and secondly that we are ALL guilty of judging other mom’s, in varying degrees and I believe this all links back to our own insecurities.

But the tweet I LOVED the most came from Robyn:

@yourbabymag Today, I read this: http://www.iol.co.za/news/world/toddler-fell-from-zoo-railing-police-1.1418036 … I thought what an idiot, right? Then I found the pic below.. 1/2pic.twitter.com/mFm683j2

Make sure you read the article tweeted and the image of Robyn and her family at the zoo, attached!It made me smile and realize, we’re all in the same boat, we’re all guilty of judging and of feeling judged and perhaps the knowledge of this very fact could help us all be better, more confident mothers.

I know the article in the mag and the discussions on Twitter have helped me to feel a lot more comfortable with who and how I am as a mother!

 

November 6, 2012
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9 Comments

  • Reply Lisa-Marie

    our ‘maternal’ insecurities are so similar. i second guess myself often enough, that i don’t actually need (or want) other people judging or critting me…. my mom is one of them and she always manages to make me feel .. crap.
    i have travers peering over my shoulder right now – but i WILL go in and read all your links … and then have a more decent comment…

    November 6, 2012 at 11:52 am
  • Reply cazpi

    <3 that is all.

    November 6, 2012 at 12:02 pm
  • Reply Julia

    I LOVE this post! I am sure that people are judging me but quite honestly I don’t care because really, they need to deal with their issues. They don’t know my context and they don’t live in my home with my kids. I DO try not to judge but I am guilty sometimes – I am working on it though. I tend to judge Moms/caregivers for neglecting their kids basic needs, though again, I shouldn’t do this because one never knows what is really going on. I DO think that a differentiation needs to be made between judging someone and simply having a different opinion. Often we think we are being judged because others prefer a different way and are extremely vocal about that. Also, I think it depends on HOW you disagree. I definitely feel judged if someone speaks to me about something that they feel differently about and their tone is not kind and respectful. I always say that ones words need to be dripping with love. ALWAYS.

    November 6, 2012 at 1:22 pm
  • Reply Jeannine

    Beautifully written Sharon – proud of you – I don’t know you personally, but I know you are a great Mom – I responded to your earlier post about judgement – you are doing great. Just keep on being the wonderful Mom to Ava and you’ll be amazing together:-)

    November 6, 2012 at 1:40 pm
  • Reply Jenny

    I agree so much with you and well done for looking at yourself in the context of judging too. I totally did what Robyn did and had a huffy shake-head moment about the zoo incident but then you kind of have to say ‘there but for the grace of God go I’. One of my close friends is a cross between Bree van de Kamp and Annabel Karmel and doesn’t allow her kids to watch more than one hour of TV a day. I feel very judged by her but she has never said a word to me about it. So the truth is, I feel judged because I am judging myself. I wish my kids didn’t watch as much TV as they do and that is why being around her and her kids makes me uncomfortable. It’s about me and not them. So Julia is 100% right too!

    November 6, 2012 at 2:51 pm
    • Reply Sharon

      I loved Robyn’s tweet because we did the EXACT same thing at the PTA Zoo on Sunday when Ava couldn’t see the bear sleeping in his enclosure! If we all take a moment to stop being self righteous, we’ll see we’re all guilty!

      November 6, 2012 at 3:00 pm
  • Reply cat@jugglingact

    So well written, as always. I sometimes feel so judged about the decision we made for L – people say things like “How can you have twins in seperate grades?” and “How can you do that to him” but then I get the other moms, the blogger moms that understand, or at least try to and I feel much better.

    November 7, 2012 at 2:05 pm
  • Reply Laura

    Often our judgements do come from issues we are dealing with which actually makes it harder.

    People in general judge – we say we don’t but we do – I think it is part of life – the trick is to be respectful of each other and disagree but don’t be hurtful!

    November 7, 2012 at 4:48 pm
  • Reply Pandora

    So true! as some have commented, often it is our own insecurities or guilt, often it is just a differene of oppionion, but sometimes it is judgment. We are all guilty. I may not judge someone for a difference of opinion, but I do judge the mother I saw the other day that allowed her toddler to hang out of the open car winder, sitting in his baby seat, but not strapped in. In her brand new SUV.
    I do feel judged too when someone says they don’t allow their kids to do XYZ, but I do. Evn if they don’t know I do, and were just commenting. Its a minefield.

    November 8, 2012 at 6:43 pm
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