Its almost exactly 2 years since I did my first IVF. And although the time has shot by in the blink of an eye, I feel like I’ve grown emotionally in the past two years. I’m so not the same person I was two years ago when I embarked on my first IVF. I feel so much calmer and in control now in comparison to what I was back then.
This time two years ago, I was still spotting (6 weeks on) from my last miscarriage, I was impatiently waiting for my cycle to normalize so that I could start my IVF. I was obsessed with doing IVF. I (ignorantly) believed that it was going to bring me my miracle baby. How wrong I was. I was so determined, so pig headed that poor W was seriously brow beaten during this time. I didn’t give a damn about how he was feeling about all of it. I just wanted to heal the massive hole in my heart and I thought that IVF would bring me the healing I so desperately craved. I felt I had to, no matter what the cost, I had to be pregnant by the time my due date (5 July) rolled around, I felt if I wasn’t pregnant that I would NOT survive the passing of my due date with empty arms.
But God had other plans, and through his plans, I’ve grown so much.
I’ve learned to let go of control of my infertility, I can only do so much and I”m doing everything I can. I’ve learned that there are no guarantee’s and that IVF is not some miracle treatment that will miraculously plop a baby into my empty arms. I’ve learned that I can be happy and live a balanced life while battling infertility. I no longer feel like my life ended when I had my first miscarriage and that I will only resume living when I hold a living baby. I’ve learned to live in spite of my infertility and this has brought me tremendous joy and balance to my life. For so long I felt like I was holding my breath, waiting to exhale, but now that I’ve broken the constraints of my infertility I’m free to breathe and live again.
With all of that in mind, I’ve also got a brand new approach to my IVF. I’m much more relaxed than I was before, I’m not overly excited or overly stressed about it, in fact I’m not excited or stressed. My feelings are rather ambiguous and I believe its because I’ve come to a place of acceptance. Because I’ve been able to surrender to my infertility and not fight it so hard, its been easier to cope with and prepare for my upcoming IVF. I feel like I’m a leaf floating down a stream, I’m just relaxed and floating along and will go wherever the stream takes me and not try to swim up stream or change the direction. It feels pretty good, it feels like I may get to my destination sooner because I’m not trying to find all kinds of detours and short cuts.