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What’s Different?

Its almost exactly 2 years since I did my first IVF. And although the time has shot by in the blink of an eye, I feel like I’ve grown emotionally in the past two years. I’m so not the same person I was two years ago when I embarked on my first IVF. I feel so much calmer and in control now  in comparison to what I was back then.

This time two years ago, I was still spotting (6 weeks on) from my last miscarriage, I was impatiently waiting for my cycle to normalize so that I could start my IVF. I was obsessed with doing IVF. I (ignorantly) believed that it was going to bring me my miracle baby. How wrong I was. I was so determined, so pig headed that poor W was seriously brow beaten during this time. I didn’t give a damn about how he was feeling about all of it. I just wanted to heal the massive hole in my heart and I thought that IVF would bring me the healing I so desperately craved. I felt I had to, no matter what the cost, I had to be pregnant by the time my due date (5 July) rolled around, I felt if I wasn’t pregnant that I would NOT survive the passing of my due date with empty arms.

But God had other plans, and through his plans, I’ve grown so much.

I’ve learned to let go of control of my infertility, I can only do so much and I”m doing everything I can. I’ve learned that there are no guarantee’s and that IVF is not some miracle treatment that will miraculously plop a baby into my empty arms. I’ve learned that I can be happy and live a balanced life while battling infertility. I no longer feel like my life ended when I had my first miscarriage and that I will only resume living when I hold a living baby. I’ve learned to live in spite of my infertility and this has brought me tremendous joy and balance to my life. For so long I felt like I was holding my breath, waiting to exhale, but now that I’ve broken the constraints of my infertility I’m free to breathe and live again.

With all of that in mind, I’ve also got a brand new approach to my IVF. I’m much more relaxed than I was before, I’m not overly excited or overly stressed about it, in fact I’m not excited or stressed. My feelings are rather ambiguous and I believe its because I’ve come to a place of acceptance. Because I’ve been able to surrender to my infertility and not fight it so hard, its been easier to cope with and prepare for my upcoming IVF. I feel like I’m a leaf floating down a stream, I’m just relaxed and floating along and will go wherever the stream takes me and not try to swim up stream or change the direction. It feels pretty good, it feels like I may get to my destination sooner because I’m not trying to find all kinds of detours and short cuts.

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10 Comments

  • Reply Amanda

    Hey Shaz, holding thumbs for this IVF. The good thing with what we go through as humans, is that we grow, we change how we see life, how we see ourselves and others. I have to for my own sake believe that we were put on this journey for a purpose. I have learnt that life is not the same for everybody, why do some people have kids, why are some not ill, those questions have plagued me, and then I realised that people go through very different trials, not the same as ours, but trial nonetheless. I admire your strength and reslilience.

    January 5, 2009 at 9:58 am
  • Reply Elize

    It seems as if you are in a great place at the moment Shaz. You really have grown so much over the past couple of years. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

    January 5, 2009 at 10:03 am
  • Reply Michelle

    Shaz you sound like you are going into this IVf with a great approach and I applaude you for that. Both A and I wish you all the success in the world and honestly hope that you will holding your baby before the end of this year. You remain in our prayers and thoughts. xxxx

    January 5, 2009 at 10:27 am
  • Reply samcy

    I hear you completeley… I cannot believe that I’m already in the last stretches of my prep for our next IVF and am still feeling so calm about it.

    I’m praying that you will see the fulfillment of the promised that God has given you my friend.

    xxx

    January 5, 2009 at 10:29 am
  • Reply Lea White

    I’m so happy for you that you are able to be so relaxed! I think this will be very important and in fact this is such an important aspect in everything we do in life!

    I always learn so much from you!

    Hugs, thoughts and prayers!

    January 5, 2009 at 11:29 am
  • Reply Adel

    So true and a wonderful post!! Good luck – thinking of you!!

    January 5, 2009 at 11:31 am
  • Reply 'Murgdan'

    I’m glad you are at peace about it…it must be a much better place to be in. I’ll be sending you more peace vibes as the cycle rolls on.

    January 5, 2009 at 12:20 pm
  • Reply skrambled

    Your time is near! I used to have the feeling of calm. But it seems to have disapeared for a bit. Come back calmness! Come back!!!
    Bur seriously I am sending great big positive thoughts your way!!!

    January 5, 2009 at 2:23 pm
  • Reply Hollie

    Ahhhhhh the peace helps so much during this. And letting go will give you so much peace. It did for me. I think thats why we were somewhat successful with IVF #2. The peace takes time, it takes tears, it takes heartache to achieve. I’m glad you are past that and moving on!

    January 5, 2009 at 8:58 pm
  • Reply charne

    God really does have perfect plans for our life… even though at times it hurts and even though we dont understand why we have to hurt and suffer, His plans really are perfect… Its hard to wait, its hard and it hurts as He moulds us into the person He wants us to be… but we come out stronger at the end..

    A dad only wants what is best for his child and God wants what is best for you…

    Its so great that you have grown since the last ivf, its great that you know God had other plans… And I know He will take care of you and He will give you the desires of your heart…

    If your father told you he was going to do something for you, you would beleive him whole heartdly and not doubt, so hold onto the promises God has made you and W and know that He, just as your dad, will be faithful to His promises.

    Hugs to you

    xxx

    January 6, 2009 at 9:14 am
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