This time, 9 years ago, I’d been married for 7 weeks and we’d just, a few days earlier, received the amazing news that I was pregnant and approaching the 7 week mark.
I remember waking up to dull back ache and as I got out of bed, seeing the blood running down my legs. I remember rushing to the bathroom, sitting on the toilet and feeling the blood and clots flow from me. I remember Walter trying to reassure me that perhaps this was implantation bleeding? That’s exactly how innocent/ignorant we were at the beginning of this journey. But as I was wracked by cramps and spasms with each passing clot, I knew in my heart it was over. I knew our baby, a baby we had already jokingly decided was a girl child, we’d already named Zoe, was gone. And I was inconsolable and completley crushed.
I remember that drive, in morning rush hour traffic, to the emergency room. I remember the urine test, I remember the blood tests, I remember lying on the bed in the emergency room, utterly devastated and completley shocked. I couldn’t believe this was actually happening to me.
I remember the callous response of one of the female nurses. As I lay there sobbing, she stood over me and told me to pull myself together and stop crying. I remember for the first time hearing the revolting term, that would repeated so many times to me in the 7+ years that followed, the cold medical term: Spontaneous Abortion.
I remember going home. I remember lying in bed and just crying and crying and crying. I remember the feeling of complete emptiness and loss that I felt.
I remember the week’s and months that followed. Of the almost constant crying. Of the unbearable pain each time I saw a pregnant belly or a tiny baby. The feeling of utter loss and devastation.
I remember my intuition telling me something was wrong. I just inherently knew this was the beginning of something awful. I just instinctively knew something was wrong that this was not just “one of those things”. But nobody would listen to me. Nobody took me seriously.
I remember hearing all the stupid comments that people made, actually, still make.
“Its better it happened now than later”
“At least you know you can fall pregnant”
“You didn’t see a heartbeat so it can’t be that bad”
“Miscarriages happen to lots of women”
I remember it all. It is still painful for me. All those losses. The start of a journey that would forever change me. The start of a journey that would mold & shape me into the person I am today.