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Where It All Started!

This time, 9 years ago, I’d been married for 7 weeks and we’d just, a few days earlier, received the amazing news that I was pregnant and approaching the 7 week mark.

I remember waking up to dull back ache and as I got out of bed, seeing the blood running down my legs. I remember rushing to the bathroom, sitting on the toilet and feeling the blood and clots flow from me. I remember Walter trying to reassure me that perhaps this was implantation bleeding? That’s exactly how innocent/ignorant we were at the beginning of this journey. But as I was wracked by cramps and spasms with each passing clot, I knew in my heart it was over. I knew our baby, a baby we had already jokingly decided was a girl child, we’d already named Zoe, was gone. And I was inconsolable and completley crushed.

I remember that drive, in morning rush hour traffic, to the emergency room. I remember the urine test, I remember the blood tests, I remember lying on the bed in the emergency room, utterly devastated and completley shocked. I couldn’t believe this was actually happening to me.

I remember the callous response of one of the female nurses. As I lay there sobbing, she stood over me and told me to pull myself together and stop crying. I remember for the first time hearing the revolting term, that would repeated so many times to me in the 7+ years that followed, the cold medical term: Spontaneous Abortion.

I remember going home. I remember lying in bed and just crying and crying and crying. I remember the feeling of complete emptiness and loss that I felt.

I remember the week’s and months that followed. Of the almost constant crying. Of the unbearable pain each time I saw a pregnant belly or a tiny baby. The feeling of utter loss and devastation.

I remember my intuition telling me something was wrong. I just inherently knew this was the beginning of something awful. I just instinctively knew something was wrong that  this was not just “one of those things”. But nobody would listen to me. Nobody took me seriously.

I remember hearing all the stupid comments that people made, actually, still make.

“Its better it happened now than later”

“At least you know you can fall pregnant”

“You didn’t see a heartbeat so it can’t be that bad”

“Miscarriages happen to lots of women”

I remember it all. It is still painful for me. All those losses. The start of a journey that would forever change me. The start of a journey that would mold & shape me into the person I am today.

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14 Comments

  • Reply Roz

    It pains me to read this my friend. You are in my thoughts today and always for the loss you endured.
    xxxx

    September 12, 2011 at 1:27 pm
  • Reply Jenny

    🙁

    September 12, 2011 at 3:27 pm
  • Reply darylfaure

    Hugs Sharon!

    September 12, 2011 at 4:21 pm
  • Reply charne

    Tears flow as I read this

    Hugs xxx

    September 12, 2011 at 4:23 pm
  • Reply sue stuart

    What an awful road to have walked. Hugs.

    September 12, 2011 at 4:41 pm
  • Reply Melinda

    read this today and felt your pain. Having lost my baby at 11 weeks no one could say anything to make me feel better and no one understood. Not even my husband. tonight i shed a tear for you and a little one for me too. Not a day goes by that I don’t wonder what he or she would be doing, look like, etc. I never found out the sex of the baby because after the D&C the doctor nonchalantly told me ‘it’s hard to tell the sex when it gets sucked out’…my thoughts and prayers are with you

    September 12, 2011 at 7:55 pm
  • Reply Kathy

    So sorry Sharon that this memory is so vivid, despite the fact that 9 years have passed. Sending you hugs xxx

    September 12, 2011 at 8:45 pm
  • Reply Lena

    Each and every needle, test, treatment and loss have cause heartache and pain beyond understanding for all except you and Walter. No one will travel the same road you have – it has changed and shaped you into who you are today and I must say that is some of the most loving, balanced and enthusiastic parents I “know”.
    Hugs for you today anniversaries are always bittersweet.

    September 12, 2011 at 9:36 pm
  • Reply To Love Bella

    I know.
    I revisit my moments occasionally too. I agree that it has made us who we are today.
    Sending love and hugs.
    xxx

    September 13, 2011 at 10:57 am
  • Reply Laura

    ((hugs))

    September 13, 2011 at 11:26 am
  • Reply CalT

    When I read this it felt like I was reading words I could have written. I don’t think the pain that comes with those memories ever goes away, and especially with your journey having been so difficult.
    Sending lots of love and hugs
    xxx

    September 13, 2011 at 1:52 pm
  • Reply letticefamily

    I cannot relate, however your raw emotions is evident and I am having a little cry with you!
    *big hug*

    September 13, 2011 at 3:49 pm
  • Reply Julia

    *hugs*.xxx

    September 13, 2011 at 9:22 pm
  • Reply Scared & Imperfect Mother

    Hugs xxx

    September 20, 2011 at 8:08 am
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