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Whoa!

I’m sure, from the tone and theme of a number of blog postings I’ve done over the past few months and most recently, you are all aware that I’ve really been grappling with some hurt feelings. I’ve made no secret of the fact that my transition to motherhood has been difficult, very very difficult, much more difficult than I ever imagined it would be. I was ignorant/arrogant enough to think that because I’d walked a hard journey that the entire IF community would embrace my miracle. Of course that has not been the case. I’ve been hurt by individuals both part of the online community and by IRL friends.

I’ve been reactive in my response to the hurt I’ve felt and I’ve not always handled the situation as well as I should have. Then I read my friend, Stacey’s blog yesterday and I saw the beautiful way she has chosen to handle her situation, not exactly the same as mine, but similar and I had one of those  a-ha moments, you know the type… when you  know better you do better?!

Here is a short extract of what she said that really really struck a chord with me:

There is a whole lot of thankfulness to go around! And now I’ve come to the part about mercy. I’m going to share with you very briefly but honestly that there have been some times that have stung in recent months. While I recognize the hurt and the struggle, it is still a sobering thought when you realize that your answered prayer, your miracle baby who finally survived in your womb, is the very thing that will cause some to stop following your story. That is the only thing I will say about it, and I don’t plan on revisiting the subject in the future. I’ve felt some sadness over it and I’ve spent some time dwelling on it. Then I was at church this past Sunday and we had a guest speaker who talked about showing mercy, and the message went right to my core. I’ve made up my mind to let go of whatever hurt feelings I may have had and just continue to handle it with love and with mercy. I’ll continue to follow and I’ll continue to pray even if the sentiments are not returned.

I have for a long time resisted the tendency to lean towards an “us versus them” mentality, both when I was waiting to have a baby and especially now. A woman with a heart that aches over the sadness of infertility and the despair of pregnancy loss is not someone I used to be. It’s someone I still am and will always be. A successful pregnancy hasn’t caused me to “change sides.” I’m the same woman… whose heart is also thankful to God for the grace and mercy that He has shown by giving us this child after we’ve entrusted six others to His eternal care. That wasn’t a small sacrifice, but through it all we’ve learned to trust Him. This experience continues to teach me new things and grow me in ways that I never imagined. Sometimes the growing pains are not easy, but I’m grateful for the lessons learned.

If I could be half this woman, if I could have half her beautiful spirit, if I could show half the love and mercy she is referring to them I will have done well.  This is exactly one of the reasons that I love blogs and blogging so much. My blog is not just me sharing a whole lot of fluffy stuff about my life, I use my blog as an online journal. It’s an outlet for my sometimes messed up thoughts and emotions. It’s a place for me to write my thoughts and feelings down in a way that I can reflect on them, it’s a place I use to gain perspective and new perspectives. This is a prime example of exactly that.

I have not always handled those who have hurt me with mercy and love, I’ve done what I always do, gone into self-preservation mode and done what I felt I needed to do to protect my own heart because, as with Stacey, I may have been blessed with a miracle child, but I till have the aching heart of an infertile, battling with recurrent pregnancy loss.

Posts like Stacey’s make me want to try harder.. I may not succeed, but at least I’m more mindful of my short comings and I can only try harder, to be better, to know better…

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13 Comments

  • Reply staceysthoughts

    Sharon, you are too kind to me. Thank you so much for these sweet words.

    I just want you to know that I don’t have this all figured out. It is definitely still a process for me to react and deal with people in the right way (as described in my most recent post!!). Don’t beat yourself up over those feelings from the past, but know that we’ve all had them and hope to learn how to overcome them.

    Love you, your blog, your story, and your miracle baby! 🙂

    August 6, 2010 at 6:21 am
    • Reply Sharon

      That’s exactly the point right? We know better, now we have to figure out how to do better? Will we fail? At times I’m sure we will. But at least now we’re mindful of trying harder.

      August 6, 2010 at 9:10 am
  • Reply skrambled

    Very beautiful and very true. I think it takes a lot of self reflection and time to realise these things. There is a saying we have in coaching that relates in a way. “Don’t focus on the drama and the detail in life focus on your vision”

    August 6, 2010 at 9:48 am
  • Reply wheresmybun

    Hey hon, I must say I do agree with you, but lately I have grappled a lot about it lately, especially in terms of my mom. When are you showing mercy, and when are you allowing people to trample on you? I have always maintained and actually got it right to always show mercy, but looking back maybe it wasn’t such a good idea? Or do you still show mercy and make clear boundaries? How do you do that?

    I know you don’t have the answers, just putting my thoughts out there. Clearly I still have a lot to learn. But thanks for making me think.

    August 6, 2010 at 10:29 am
    • Reply Sharon

      Elize, that is the million dollar question! How to find the balance. IMO you lean towards being too merciful, while I, on the other hand, lean towards the other extreme.
      Finding the healthy balance is whats important but how we do that? I don’t know!

      August 6, 2010 at 10:46 am
      • Reply hollielee5

        Just my two cents, but you CAN be merciful AND take care of yourself. Preserving yourself IS being merciful to YOURSELF. When referring to MERCY, Grace usually accompanies Mercy. Search your heart to find the balance between the two.

        August 6, 2010 at 3:03 pm
  • Reply zamom

    This is nothing to do with your excellent post, sorry, just in reply to your question about the Hello Kitty stuff – it’s at Edgars not Naartjie and I only looked in the kids section(above 2 years) so not sure if the baby/toddler section has it as well.

    August 6, 2010 at 11:23 am
  • Reply Mash

    It’s such a grey area! I’ve even felt that stab of terrible envy when one of my very dear online IF friends falls pregnant. Dammit I don’t want to feel that, but I do!

    Again, remember in the forum there was something they said about not taking things personally. When someone feels something and reacts a certain way, it doesn’t MEAN anything (I think that’s how they put it). That was a real lightbulb moment for me.

    It’s their world, it’s their process, and it might be directed at you, but it only starts meaning something in YOUR world when you add meaning to it. Until that moment, it’s outside of you!

    I try to live by that, but it’s not always so easy.

    August 6, 2010 at 2:34 pm
  • Reply hollielee5

    Im almost speechless (typeless). Incredible thoughts and feelings shared between you and Stacey. Just incredible. I love that you share yourself, your whole self. I don’t want to read Holly Go Lightly, I want THE SHAZ!! I read all types of blogs, mostly fellow IFers. But some have had different types of IF, and most all have had vastly different experiences than I have. I like to see ALL different POV and perspectives. Ranging from child-free to multiples! Thats just me. I don’t compare myself or my journey to anyone. What Im trying desperately to say (and doing a horrible job) is that you be yourself. You feel what you feel at that time. You write it on YOUR blog. Stacey’s right, its not about us vs them. I hate that your feelings have been hurt. You’ve never hurt my feelings, quite the contrary. You’ve always been very supportive. You EVEN commented (and I still have it) when I got my BFP and you had your last treatment that wasn’t successful. I don’t believe that is from the heart of someone that doesn’t care. And we all do things that we aren’t always proud of. Life is all about give and take, forgive and forget, push pull. You have given LOTS of support to me, and am so thankful for that.
    Keep on doing your thang… whatever junk in the past, I pray for your peace and those involved to have peace as well.

    August 6, 2010 at 2:57 pm
  • Reply ttcnot2easy

    Gosh.. she puts across so beautifully, doesn’t she? I live in constant fear that I’ll lose the friends I have made or that hurtfull comments will be directed my way. I think that is part of the reason why I’m not blogging a whole lot as of late.. I don’t want to ‘rub it in’. Know what I mean? I know you do… Such a hard place to be in, isn’t it?

    August 6, 2010 at 3:39 pm
  • Reply antigone1022

    I hope, as best as is possible I try to understand how terribly painful infertility is and how desperate it must be and I try never to judge but to understand with compassion. I know and understand you have a lot of IF friends out there who share a very special connection. However you also have poeple like me, who just love the way you write, how inspiring you are and that beautiful poppet of yours.I am not from your IF community – i just love the way you write about your miracle and I was following before you ever found each other. Its been a fabulous journey and i love to hear and celebrate all your good news.I love to read your updates whatever they are about

    August 6, 2010 at 11:29 pm
  • Reply darylfaure

    What a thought provoking post, and what a gracious person Stacey is. Very true what you say – when we know better we do better.
    Well I have to go and think about some things now.

    August 7, 2010 at 9:46 am
  • Reply orbit365

    Sjoe. Goosebumps. That is all.

    Julia

    August 7, 2010 at 3:12 pm
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