Women – We Are Our Own Worst Enemies!

I really want to say thank you to everyone who bravely took the time to comment on yesterday’s posting about the strain that having a baby puts on ones marriage. It takes guts to stand up and be counted. Trust me, it took a serious amount of guts for me to even type that posting but there is one reason and one reason only that I did it:

Because too many women hide how damn difficult having a baby is. We look at happy smiling photo’s on FaceBook and happy little family updates when in truth the proverbial shit is actually hitting the fan behind closed doors, or is so carefully hidden you’d never actually see it.

So when our turn comes around and suddenly we’re a mess, we can smell our own breath and not sure if we put deodorant on that day, the house is a pig sty and the baby has pooped for the 3rd time that day and we’re exhausted and overwhelmed and hating our husbands. And we’ve just had the 10th argument in the last 2 days about whose turn it is change the pooh nappy – we wouldn’t be so shocked by the situation we found ourselves in. We wouldn’t be so convinced that we are complete and utter failures as women, as wives and as mothers. Instead, we’d know it was all perfectly normal!

We pay so much lip service to sisterhood, when in fact, half the time I’m not even sure we actually understand what that means. It’s so easy to say… “don’t worry, it gets easier” but how about saying… “damn it was so hard”.  Why are we so afraid of being truthful about just how difficult the transition to motherhood is?

And the truly amazing thing is that my post from yesterday must have touched a nerve because it has been viewed in excess of 300 times in the past 24 hours. Yes folks, that’s 300 hundred … three hundred… times!

So yes, I’m not ashamed to admit it. Transitioning to motherhood was damn hard and it definitely took its toll on my marriage and the strain that infertility placed on my marriage pales in comparison to the transition to motherhood. And I know for a fact, from all the comments received on the posting as well as the private emails and messages from Mom’s around the world who made the transition, that I was not alone! That it is in fact quite normal. The words divorce, separation, don’t know how to cope, at a complete loss, were tossed around me yesterday by a large number of women who identified with what I said.

So thanks again for bravely standing up and owning it and the process helping me to not feel like such a complete failure because of how I have struggled.

 

March 7, 2011
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11 Comments

  • Reply waiting4amiracle

    I loved yesterdays post! And I agree with you, woman really don’t ever talk about how a child changes their lives. Obviously I can’t comment…yet, but even watching my fertile friends from the sidelines I can see that they battle….but non of them will dare admit it. Its almost as if there is this unwritten expectation to smile and get on with it, because if you complain…..who knows what you may be labeled. Weak? Bad Mother? Lazy?

    It is great and very healthy to be open about it!

    March 7, 2011 at 6:37 pm
  • Reply pandoragelb

    Your heading just says it all! It seems sisterhood just goes out the window! Its all about putting on the perfect front.
    The three things we should be honest about: Marriage is not all moonlight and roses. Pregnancy and childbirth – I think every woman is still shocked by some aspect that no-one ever mentioned to her.
    Motherhood – enough said.

    March 7, 2011 at 9:58 pm
  • Reply To Love Bella

    we ARE our own worst enemies. travers tells me this all the time. self critical. want to be a superwoman. don’t want outside help, as that admits defeat and then WHAT would people think??? don’t want to appear useless, inefficient, uncapable of being a mom…
    just so you know, your post yesterday had me opening up and talking some more to travs yesterday afternoon and i have hatched a plan along the lines of your ‘contract’. i think we should, individually, put down on paper what we expect from this marriage now that we are parents – and more specifically, what we expect from EACH OTHER going forward.
    for us, i feel that we each became too selfish with our own precious time, being childless for so long, that the sudden thrust into parenthood was a tremendous shock not only to our social lives, but to E.V.E.R.Y. part of our togetherness.
    and i am in for the 26th, Sharon! shall we confirm more details closer to the time?
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    March 8, 2011 at 6:30 am
  • Reply merphin

    Loved the post – I dont think I have read/heard it said better anywhere by anyone!!! I tried to reply but every time I got a reply started Mr4yo woke up – timing out my internet connection and loosing my reply 3 times before I gave up 🙁

    No one can be harder on one specific person than that person themselves, be it living up to very unrealistic expectations from self or perceived from others. A Mum’s brain/imagination is her own worse enemy at the worse possible moments usually too. This rolls over into every relationship and it is always the home ones that bear the burden and wear to consequences of it.
    Well done for stepping out there and making it plan black and white!

    March 8, 2011 at 6:57 am
  • Reply catluvagp

    Boy do I identify, I thought infertility and trying to fall pregnant was hard and put a strain on my marriage but wow, I was in for a huge shock. I now have 3 kids, an 11 month old, a 23 month old and a 34 year old and the 34 year old is the hardest to deal with 🙁 I have to fight for every bit of me time and then I still get made to feel guilty for it – when does it end?

    March 8, 2011 at 8:17 am
  • Reply thebsdiaries

    I am one of those guilty for completely abusing Fakebook. The majority of people don’t look at my happy family updates and realise my husband is a philandering asshole, I got knocked up when I didn’t want to after many expensive, invasive fertility treatments while he was shagging some other whore and now I am stuck for the sake of my kids in a less-than-stellar marriage that I have no idea I want to be in or not. Hardly the shit I am going to post on fB yes? Bitter much?

    March 8, 2011 at 9:57 am
    • Reply Sharon

      (((hugs))) BS! Your situation is a little different!

      March 8, 2011 at 10:06 am
  • Reply thebsdiaries

    I don’t know Shaz. Sometimes I wonder if there are others facing what I do and it’s just not the done thing to discuss it because you don’t want the world to hate your husband as much as you do. By ‘coming out’ I could perhaps help a lot of people?

    March 8, 2011 at 10:14 am
  • Reply dragondreamermom

    I think it took a lot of courage to write that post. It is so true that parenthood isn’t for wimps and it is great o see that acknowledged.

    March 8, 2011 at 3:03 pm
  • Reply darylfaure

    I think you should post your blog on FC.

    Sometimes I worry about the dreams and expectations of the expectant (ex-IF) moms, but then again, I don’t think you will ever understand how tough it is, until you are there. It does however help to know that you are not the only one finding it tough going. I think if people have more realistic expectations, there would perhaps also be a decrease in the amount of PND in general, and specifically for those who struggled with IF.

    March 8, 2011 at 8:27 pm
  • Reply coachmarcia

    as you know, I love talking about the real in the trenches stuff too. It’s the biggest “secret” in the world among women – how “perfect” motherhood is.

    HOGWASH 🙂

    love when you get honest and talk the real stuff!

    March 9, 2011 at 1:58 pm
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