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Yes That Will Make You Pregnant

A few days ago, I met up with some of the moderators/administrators of our Fertility Forum and one of the things we had a good laugh about what some of the stupid assvice we’ve received on how to fall pregnant over the last few years. I figured for a laugh, I would jot down some of the great tips I’ve received in the past 7 years. I also thought I’d trawl Dr Google for some tips and what I found was HILARIOUS!! So here goes:

tipsforgetting-pregnant

Yes, been there, done that, the whole cushion under the buttocks for a few minutes after sex. Except if you have slightly OCD type personality like me, it will mean lying with like this for at least half an hour to be sure. When that didn’t work somebody actually suggested I stand on my head, unfortunately I”m not really the athletic type, so aside from the difficulty I had getting in that position, it also gave me a headache so I gave up on that.

I found this truly helpful listing of How To Get Pregnant, which I thought was too funny not to share:

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately EASY

Ja right! For some maybe not for all of us!

Step1

Find a partner. For some, this is the hardest part.

WTF?? Are you kidding me??? So far finding my husband was WAAAAY easier than getting pregnant!

Step2

If you are currently on the pill as a form of birth control, discontinue taking it. Most doctors recommend that women wait three cycles while their bodies adjust to being off the pill before trying to conceive.

Step3

Start taking a prenatal vitamin before getting pregnant. Medical professionals recommend that women get a daily dose of 400 micrograms of folic acid starting at least a month before trying to get pregnant and at least 600 micrograms a day once pregnant. Research has indicated that doing so can reduce the risk of neural tube defects in babies by up to 70 percent.

Step4
Balance your hormones with good nutrition and herbal supplements. Zinc, calcium, magnesium and B6 are great for sustaining hormonal balance. Various herbs associated with balanced hormones include chamomile, raspberry leaf, ginkgo biloba, saw palmetto, ginseng, licorice root and black cohosh. Consult your doctor if you are unsure of the effects of any herbal supplements.
 
Lets not forget Spirulina, if I had 10 bucks every time somebody suggested I take Spirulina to get/stay pregnant, I’d be a very wealthy woman right now and my long suffering husband would not be in Rwanda earning us some $
 
Step5
The best time to develop a healthy lifestyle is before pregnancy. Maintain a healthy weight, exercise regularly, eat healthy foods, reduce stress and don’t smoke, consume alcohol or do any other recreational drugs. These good habits may help you get pregnant more easily and will certainly serve you and your baby well during pregnancy.
 
Exactly who are they trying to kid here? I figured a LONG time ago, that drinking coffee or having alchohol make ZERO difference on my ability to fall pregnant, in addition, its been my experience that those who do consume large amounts of alcohol and recreational drugs are far more likely to get pregnant than I am. I’ve been seriously tempted to try this fertility method, get as drunk as possible every day and take some recreational drugs, it might actually work!
 
Step6
Determine when you ordinarily ovulate. For most women, this is in the middle of their menstrual cycle, around day 14, although the exact timing varies among women. There are a number of ways to determine when you are ovulating, from tracking your basal body temperature and watching for changes in cervical mucus to simply purchasing an ovulation calculator at the drug store.
 
Been there, done that, bought the damn ovulation microscope, the BBT thermometer and the T-shirt = still no baby!
 
Step7
Have regular, unprotected sex around the time you ovulate. Since sperm cells can survive in the reproductive tract for two to three days, it’s best to have sex every day for at least a few days leading up to ovulation. So for example, if the average woman ovulates on day 14, it’s best to have sex on days 12, 13 and 14 of her menstrual cycle.
 
Well thats all fine and well if having sex would actually get you pregnant, otherwise its just a royal pain in the arse! Nobody but nobody enjoys desperate baby making sex! There’s no fun in that and certainly standing on your head afterwards makes the experience even more dreaded.
 
Step8
On the first day of a missed period, take an early pregnancy test and find out if all of your hard work has paid off.
 
Haha, yes, so you can get a nice false positve or spend hours staring at the negative trying to convince yourself that the evaporation line is actually a positive!
 
Step9
Repeat these steps each month until you are pregnant.
 
Yeah right, trust me, we’ve been repeating these steps for EIGHTY FOUR months, hasn’t worked yet, so actually, I think the difficulty factor needs to be adjusted from Moderately Easy to Damn Near Impossible for some!
 
Here are some of the other fabulous-guaranteed to get you knocked up- remedies I’ve tried in the past 7 years:
 
Homeopaths & Alternative Remedies
I’ve had my cell phone “neutralized” because the radiation was apparently preventing me from getting pregnant.
I’ve spend THOUSANDS of rands on little white pills and powders, taken them religiously without knowing what they were for.
I’ve drunk a special blend of Chinese herbs twice a day for a 4 month period, the only effect that had was to make me gag constantly.
I’ve had painful reflexology done on my poor feet every week for months on end, to the point where my hands would sweat from the pain.
I’ve had needles stuck all over me in an attempt to get pregnant, including in my face and head – not a whole lot of fun!
I’ve tried Preseed, Stamingro, FertileAid, Evening Primrose, you name it, I’ve taken it.
 
I’ve quit smoking, cut out alcohol, cut out caffeine, followed fertility diets – it did nothing.
I’ve been told that we’re just not doing it right, I’ve been told that if W can’t do the job properly then he would (stupid asshole) I’ve been told too relax more times than I care to remember, I’ve been told to take a vactation and it will happen. I’ve been told to JUST adopt and then I”ll get my baby, I’ve been told to break up with W and then have make up sex and I”ll get pregnant.
 
So what are some of the funny things you’ve been told that were guaranteed to get you pregnant?
 
Just wanted to share something – whenever W goes away on a business trip, something always happens that makes me freak out and wish he was here. The last time it was that huge mother spider that made me freak out (read out it here & here) today, one day prior to his return, there’s an Indian Minor bird which has snuck into our entertainment room to steal some of Penelope’s food. I went out to chase it away and gave the bird such a fright it can’t figure out how it got into the room. So its been slamming itself against the window and glass of the door for the last 10 minutes which is really freaking me out. I tried to help it but it but it keeps pecking the crap out of my hands and all that wing flapping so close to my face it freaking me out completely!!!! I’m going to go in there now and throw a towel over it to try and help it escape. Wish me luck, I love birds but I don’t like touching them and all the gob and wing flapping is seriously making me freak out!!!!!!!!
 

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7 Comments

  • Reply CalT

    ha ha. Had to have such a laugh, especially at the pillow under the bum. I still do it, you know, just in case (not sure who I’m trying to kid!) and for at least 30 mins or until my back is too sore to maintain that position. So funny that you mentioned it because just last night I did it and actually said to my DH how stupid it is because for 2 1/2 years of pillow-under-the-bum it hasn’t helped much.

    Another stupid and laughable piece of assvice I got was that someone somewhere heard that eating too much green pepper can stop you from falling pregnant, so I should cut down even though I probably only ate it once every two weeks.

    February 20, 2009 at 7:51 am
  • Reply Elize

    Lol! Fortunately for me the assvise has gotten less the longer we tried. I’ll never forget in the beginning my MIL told me on several occasions, that she tried for 6 months to get S and then they decided to go on holiday and she fell pregnant! lovely, as I said fortunately it has stopped. Some one close to me suggested that we *just* adopt. Very annoying.

    February 20, 2009 at 9:10 am
  • Reply Elize

    Oh and I’ve found that putting a towel over a bird really helps.

    February 20, 2009 at 9:12 am
  • Reply C

    Oh yes been there, done that and then some

    February 20, 2009 at 11:01 am
  • Reply Adel

    Hilarious!! Also received most of these assvice!!

    All we can do is laugh about it!

    Glad you are feeling better!

    February 20, 2009 at 12:45 pm
  • Reply Shalini White

    hahaha yeppers, been there with the assvice. the cushion under the bum trying to keep it all in there – cheeks clenched et al – and we’re shooting blanks!! (our clinic gets us to sex it up because of prostaglandins in semen… prosta who? – hasn’t worked!)
    good luck with the bird!! – we’ve had to use a towel too! have had owls and things slamming into glass doors, the silly buggers.
    xx

    February 20, 2009 at 1:56 pm
  • Reply samcy

    Hmmmm let me count them down:

    pillow under bum after sex – check
    stand on your head for 10 minutes after sex – check
    HAVE sex – check check check check check (you get the message)

    I have to say the best I’ve been landed with was the whole “act like a slut in bed and you’ll fall pregnant”… *sigh*

    xxx

    February 20, 2009 at 7:30 pm
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