A few days ago, I met up with some of the moderators/administrators of our Fertility Forum and one of the things we had a good laugh about what some of the stupid assvice we’ve received on how to fall pregnant over the last few years. I figured for a laugh, I would jot down some of the great tips I’ve received in the past 7 years. I also thought I’d trawl Dr Google for some tips and what I found was HILARIOUS!! So here goes:
Yes, been there, done that, the whole cushion under the buttocks for a few minutes after sex. Except if you have slightly OCD type personality like me, it will mean lying with like this for at least half an hour to be sure. When that didn’t work somebody actually suggested I stand on my head, unfortunately I”m not really the athletic type, so aside from the difficulty I had getting in that position, it also gave me a headache so I gave up on that.
I found this truly helpful listing of How To Get Pregnant, which I thought was too funny not to share:
Difficulty: Moderately EASY
Ja right! For some maybe not for all of us!
Find a partner. For some, this is the hardest part.
WTF?? Are you kidding me??? So far finding my husband was WAAAAY easier than getting pregnant!Step2
If you are currently on the pill as a form of birth control, discontinue taking it. Most doctors recommend that women wait three cycles while their bodies adjust to being off the pill before trying to conceive.Step3
Start taking a prenatal vitamin before getting pregnant. Medical professionals recommend that women get a daily dose of 400 micrograms of folic acid starting at least a month before trying to get pregnant and at least 600 micrograms a day once pregnant. Research has indicated that doing so can reduce the risk of neural tube defects in babies by up to 70 percent.Step4Balance your hormones with good nutrition and herbal supplements. Zinc, calcium, magnesium and B6 are great for sustaining hormonal balance. Various herbs associated with balanced hormones include chamomile, raspberry leaf, ginkgo biloba, saw palmetto, ginseng, licorice root and black cohosh. Consult your doctor if you are unsure of the effects of any herbal supplements.Lets not forget Spirulina, if I had 10 bucks every time somebody suggested I take Spirulina to get/stay pregnant, I’d be a very wealthy woman right now and my long suffering husband would not be in Rwanda earning us some $Step5The best time to develop a healthy lifestyle is before pregnancy. Maintain a healthy weight, exercise regularly, eat healthy foods, reduce stress and don’t smoke, consume alcohol or do any other recreational drugs. These good habits may help you get pregnant more easily and will certainly serve you and your baby well during pregnancy.Exactly who are they trying to kid here? I figured a LONG time ago, that drinking coffee or having alchohol make ZERO difference on my ability to fall pregnant, in addition, its been my experience that those who do consume large amounts of alcohol and recreational drugs are far more likely to get pregnant than I am. I’ve been seriously tempted to try this fertility method, get as drunk as possible every day and take some recreational drugs, it might actually work!Step6Determine when you ordinarily ovulate. For most women, this is in the middle of their menstrual cycle, around day 14, although the exact timing varies among women. There are a number of ways to determine when you are ovulating, from tracking your basal body temperature and watching for changes in cervical mucus to simply purchasing an ovulation calculator at the drug store.Been there, done that, bought the damn ovulation microscope, the BBT thermometer and the T-shirt = still no baby!Step7Have regular, unprotected sex around the time you ovulate. Since sperm cells can survive in the reproductive tract for two to three days, it’s best to have sex every day for at least a few days leading up to ovulation. So for example, if the average woman ovulates on day 14, it’s best to have sex on days 12, 13 and 14 of her menstrual cycle.Well thats all fine and well if having sex would actually get you pregnant, otherwise its just a royal pain in the arse! Nobody but nobody enjoys desperate baby making sex! There’s no fun in that and certainly standing on your head afterwards makes the experience even more dreaded.Step8On the first day of a missed period, take an early pregnancy test and find out if all of your hard work has paid off.Haha, yes, so you can get a nice false positve or spend hours staring at the negative trying to convince yourself that the evaporation line is actually a positive!Step9Repeat these steps each month until you are pregnant.Yeah right, trust me, we’ve been repeating these steps for EIGHTY FOUR months, hasn’t worked yet, so actually, I think the difficulty factor needs to be adjusted from Moderately Easy to Damn Near Impossible for some!