Yes! That’s It!

So my friend Elize has posted the most FANTASTIC blog entry about how she’s feeling at the moment. It sums up where I am at to a T!

I remember when I was growing up, my Dad always telling me that a sign of true maturity was realizing that there would be things in life we didn’t want to do, but would do anyway because we knew we had to. I guess that’s true. I mean as a child, if I didn’t feel like making my bed, for example,if I whined and performed enough, sometimes I could get out of having to make it.  Well today while reading Elize’s blog posting, I had that same immature reaction. I felt a huge temper tantrum well up inside me, you know the kind, lots of foot stomping, shouting, crying, hair pulling, snot running……………….

I managed to keep it in check till I got home before I let it all out. I had a real childish outburst when I got home.  But I’m mature enough (well sometimes anyway) to realize that if I want to have a baby, I’m going to have to face this and I’m going to have to do the work to make it happen. No amount of whining or temper tantums or asking why is going to change that.

I’m trying to be a bit more of a grown up now, but to be honest, I can still feel the tears burning in the back of my eyes because of the unfairness of it all! But I guess its my own fault, for the last few months, I’ve been trying desperately hard to convince myself and all of you that I don’t really want a child. But if I’m really honest, I’ll admit that while I know I will be ok if we were to live childfree, and that I’ve made huge progress in terms of loosing my obsession with infertility and treatment and living a far more balanced life, the real reason why I keep making these statements is because I’m too afraid to face my RE again. Just the thought of having to endure another CD2 Dildo Cam Scan makes my heart beat a little faster and the anxiety well up inside me. The truth is I’m beyond tired, I’m exhausted by this all. I feel like Roberto, when I drag myself up the last few meters of the peak and look out over the horizon, all I can see are more mountain peaks to be climbed, my knees want to buckle under me from the shear frustration, from the pure exhaustion. I look over at the never ending horizon, of what lies ahead and I don’t know if I have the strength to climb down into the valley and ascend the next peak, I don’t know if I can keep doing that over and over again till I get to the end of the mountain range. And like Roberto, I have so many brave friends who are facing such similar situations, but despite all that is going on in their lives, they manage to encourage me, to keep pushing me, to help me drag one foot in front of the other, to climb one peak after the next in the hope that one of these days I”ll make my final ascent. Elize, my friend, you have inspirired me to continue to try!

I have so many wonderful and special friends who keep saying over and over again “You’re so close, I can feel it, its just around the corner for you”. I can’t see it because my eyes are so focused on the ground, on plodding ahead and getting one foot in front of the next. But my friends, thank you to every single one of you, I could not have come this far without you and God knows I cannot go any further on this journey without you.  

So I’m going to need you all this week, after obsessively POAS for the past 4 days, the realization has sunk in, that no matter how I try and convince myself otherwise, this round is a bust and AF will be arriving in the next couple of days and I will just have to put on my brave face and go and have lovely Dildo Cam Scan and perhaps face the joys of another shitty HSG to try and determine the reasons behind why I have totally lost the ability to fall pregnant. Truth be told, I’m afraid of outcome. I’m afraid that somehow my one and only remaining/functioning fallopian tube has gotten blocked or damaged and I’m going to have to face another IVF. And God knows I don’t know where I will get the courage, stamina and sheer will power to get through that again.

I loved the quote at the end of Elize’s posting: I never said it will be easy. I said it will be worth it – Author unknown

God I hope so because at times this journey has been very close to completely unbearable.

September 16, 2008
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12 Comments

  • Reply Elize

    We will ALWAYS be there for you, every painful step of the way. I’m so sorry your cycle is a bust, I was SO hoping that you wouldn’t have to face another scan, unless you were pregnant. I also hope with all my heart that it will be worth it for both of us.
    Hugs and kisses
    Elize

    September 16, 2008 at 9:08 am
  • Reply charne

    what a honest and real post!

    honestly feel for you and can realte to what u saying! yes i know you would be fine if you had to live a childfree live but the point is you dont want to!!!! you want a baby and you want to be a mommy! it may take lots of hard work and more visits to the RE, but hang in there, GOD is faithful and He really does know the desires of your heart! and i know some days are diffiuclt and some days we do ask why it has taken so long! thinking of you

    PHILIPIANS 4:6

    September 16, 2008 at 9:32 am
  • Reply Amanda

    Sharon, you and Elize are so close, like I said to Elize, The last part is always the hardest, it’s that no.99, don’t give up at no.99, just a few more steps. Dissapointment can cause one to give up, I’ve had my fair share of it, but I always try one more time, go through one more test, and hope the results are better. It doesn’t always work out the way we want it to, but giving up is just so final. You go girl, I couldn’t be more proud of you and Elize, you guys give me the strength to carry on with my life, not the same as yours, just different.

    September 16, 2008 at 10:38 am
  • Reply eggorchicken

    Oh Sharon.
    It is flipping unfair but you’ve come so far now, YOU CAN DO THIS. You can nail this one way or another and end up with your baby.

    It WILL be worth it.

    HUGS.

    x
    Yvonne

    September 16, 2008 at 11:20 am
  • Reply Michelle

    Hey Shaz my friend I wish I cold change those POAS results for you!! But you just keep plodding away at it. It does not matter that you can’t see “it” ahead of you, the most important fact is that you keep taking those steps – even with your head down- in the right direction. We will all continue to be there every step of the way and give you that helping hand along the way when we can.
    You go girl!! Love and hugs
    Mich

    September 16, 2008 at 12:07 pm
  • Reply Kirsty Weaver

    “If He leads you to it, He’ll carry you through it”
    You have been chosen to walk this path because you have the strength to do it! Other mere mortals who have babies like they’re having a fart could not do this! YOU CAN DO IT! YOU WILL GET YOUR RWARD IN THE END! Have faith – and lean on people when it gets tough! You don’t have to go it alone!
    When are we going out for that glass of wine before it is forbidden by drugs, babies etc..??

    September 16, 2008 at 12:26 pm
  • Reply Kirsty Weaver

    sorry – the e doesnt always work on my computer – thats meant to be rEward!! F -ing computr!!

    September 16, 2008 at 12:27 pm
  • Reply Murgdan

    Crappin’ BFNs. Sorry. I loved the imagery in that post as well…such a great comparison to this journey. Keep on, keepin’ on. I think when it’s time to stop you’ll know without a doubt. As long as it’s still nagging in you to keep going, you owe it to yourself to keep going.

    I think the best part of this image for me what that even after keeping on and on and on…going up that one mountain that they all hoped would lead to rescue or people or whatnot…they saw nothing but snow and more mountains…and still found that to be beautiful…still found a way to see it as beautiful even though it wasn’t what they wanted to see.

    Granted…I’m at the beginning of my journey, so I’m not even close to running out of steam and don’t know what it’s like to really question giving up or not.

    I hope any of that made sense. I’m still half asleep, I think. 😉

    September 16, 2008 at 1:39 pm
  • Reply hope2morrow

    Wow! Your post gave me chills today. So true…. thank you for sharing your thoughts.

    September 16, 2008 at 2:52 pm
  • Reply samcy

    I’m going to say something similar to what I said to Elize – you are so strong and you don’t see it… you are both going to have me to nudge you prod you and remind you that you have the best person walking beside you through this (remember your cobbled road dream always my friend) – your Father in Heaven! And the rest of us of course 😉

    I wish your pee sticks told a different story – I truly do!

    You’re in my thoughts and prayers always!

    xxx

    September 16, 2008 at 5:01 pm
  • Reply C

    So glad to hear that you are going back. I believe it will happen for you. All the best!

    September 16, 2008 at 5:32 pm
  • Reply Monica

    I’m with you, Shaz. Sending lots and lots of strength in your direction, whatever the outcome of this week may be.

    September 17, 2008 at 2:33 am
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