So my friend Elize has posted the most FANTASTIC blog entry about how she’s feeling at the moment. It sums up where I am at to a T!
I remember when I was growing up, my Dad always telling me that a sign of true maturity was realizing that there would be things in life we didn’t want to do, but would do anyway because we knew we had to. I guess that’s true. I mean as a child, if I didn’t feel like making my bed, for example,if I whined and performed enough, sometimes I could get out of having to make it. Well today while reading Elize’s blog posting, I had that same immature reaction. I felt a huge temper tantrum well up inside me, you know the kind, lots of foot stomping, shouting, crying, hair pulling, snot running……………….
I managed to keep it in check till I got home before I let it all out. I had a real childish outburst when I got home. But I’m mature enough (well sometimes anyway) to realize that if I want to have a baby, I’m going to have to face this and I’m going to have to do the work to make it happen. No amount of whining or temper tantums or asking why is going to change that.
I’m trying to be a bit more of a grown up now, but to be honest, I can still feel the tears burning in the back of my eyes because of the unfairness of it all! But I guess its my own fault, for the last few months, I’ve been trying desperately hard to convince myself and all of you that I don’t really want a child. But if I’m really honest, I’ll admit that while I know I will be ok if we were to live childfree, and that I’ve made huge progress in terms of loosing my obsession with infertility and treatment and living a far more balanced life, the real reason why I keep making these statements is because I’m too afraid to face my RE again. Just the thought of having to endure another CD2 Dildo Cam Scan makes my heart beat a little faster and the anxiety well up inside me. The truth is I’m beyond tired, I’m exhausted by this all. I feel like Roberto, when I drag myself up the last few meters of the peak and look out over the horizon, all I can see are more mountain peaks to be climbed, my knees want to buckle under me from the shear frustration, from the pure exhaustion. I look over at the never ending horizon, of what lies ahead and I don’t know if I have the strength to climb down into the valley and ascend the next peak, I don’t know if I can keep doing that over and over again till I get to the end of the mountain range. And like Roberto, I have so many brave friends who are facing such similar situations, but despite all that is going on in their lives, they manage to encourage me, to keep pushing me, to help me drag one foot in front of the other, to climb one peak after the next in the hope that one of these days I”ll make my final ascent. Elize, my friend, you have inspirired me to continue to try!
I have so many wonderful and special friends who keep saying over and over again “You’re so close, I can feel it, its just around the corner for you”. I can’t see it because my eyes are so focused on the ground, on plodding ahead and getting one foot in front of the next. But my friends, thank you to every single one of you, I could not have come this far without you and God knows I cannot go any further on this journey without you.
So I’m going to need you all this week, after obsessively POAS for the past 4 days, the realization has sunk in, that no matter how I try and convince myself otherwise, this round is a bust and AF will be arriving in the next couple of days and I will just have to put on my brave face and go and have lovely Dildo Cam Scan and perhaps face the joys of another shitty HSG to try and determine the reasons behind why I have totally lost the ability to fall pregnant. Truth be told, I’m afraid of outcome. I’m afraid that somehow my one and only remaining/functioning fallopian tube has gotten blocked or damaged and I’m going to have to face another IVF. And God knows I don’t know where I will get the courage, stamina and sheer will power to get through that again.
I loved the quote at the end of Elize’s posting: I never said it will be easy. I said it will be worth it – Author unknown
God I hope so because at times this journey has been very close to completely unbearable.