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Your Thoughts – My Objections

Since my BFP and subsequent miscarriage, I’ve received loads of emails from fellow bloggers, from readers and from lurkers. I have loved them all as they have made me feel like people out there really do care, that people out there, who I don’t even know are routing for me, for us, for our success or at least our happy ending.

The other thing I’ve noticed is just how this part of my journey is very misunderstood by many, including those on the infertility journey. Its a reminder of for me that I’ve reached a fork in the road and have chosen the path somewhat less traveled.  There are IF sista’s out there who get where I’m coming from, mostly because they too are in a similar position to me, have either given up all together on parenthood and moved on or are seeking an alternative journey to parenthood.

The majority of the emails I receive do their best to convince me that going on birth control is a big mistake. I’ve written about 30 emails trying my best to explain my position on this, but I see most don’t (understandably) get it.

So here is the deal – I want to go on the injection or the Merina so that I can shut my menstrual cycle down completely. Many object to this because of the possibility of a miracle.  Now folks, let me just say that falling pregnant has not always been so difficult for me, so it is always a possibility, I could potentially fall pregnant again at any point in the next few years. The problem is this … aside from being challenged in the falling pregnant department, I am severely handicapped in the staying pregnant department. This means that should a miracle pregnancy occur, given that the cause of my miscarriages has yet to be established, I would in all likelihood still miscarry at oh, say around 5w6d like have for the past 7 pregnancies. The other thing about this wondrous miracle pregnancy, that I have lost the will to cling to, while many still believe it could happen is this: how many of you could say that you tried to conceive for 7.5 years? Let me break it down for you. 7.5 years = 90 cycles/months of ttc = 90 months @ 4.2 weeks in a month = 378 weeks of ttc = 378 weeks = 2646 days that I have spent with the same damned internal dialogue! Maybe this month it will happen! Maybe this cycle will the THE ONE. Maybe this egg with be THE golden egg. Maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe. Just ttc’ing for 12 months is exhausting! Never mind what the ttc mileage I’ve managed to clock up. So while I love so much that all of you want to try and see us succeed, please can I ask that you respect my choice to go on birth control. My reality is simple… after 7 miscarriages I never ever ever ever ever want to be pregnant ever ever ever again! So the logical choice to avoid that because there is the possibility that it could happen naturally, is for me to start birth control. My reason for the injection or Merina is simple, it doesn’t matter if it screws up my cycles, I don’t need to have cycles. Even in the remote chance that I did change my mind, it wouldn’t actually matter because we would require ART with the use of Donor egg, so even if the BC did cock up my cycles, the whole ART process is so artificially managed and stimulated that it wouldn’t actually matter. Of course the other issue is this,  after 7.5 years of TTC, we have in effect spent in excess of R250 000 on ART. It has begun to feel like a bottomless pit which W and I stand at and wastefully throw money into. When I think about what we could have done with all that money…….. well no point in regrets!

At this stage its looking very unlikely that I will change my mind and consider another IVF. Just the thought of it causes me anxiety. I have friends going through IVF cycles as we speak, reading their updates cause me to sweat profusely, get very bad anxiety and worst of all feel rather sick on the inside. The thought of lying on that scan bed, no knickers on with that d.i.l.d.o cam coming towards me is enough to make me want to vomit it fills me with such repulsion. I never ever want to me unconscious/semi conscious and half naked in a theater with strangers using a scan assisted probe to pierce the walls of my v.a.g.i.n.a. and suck out eggs that have been artificially matured by having me poke needles in myself.

I am done. This journey is over for me. And while many continue to have hope in medical science, I no longer do.

I love you all for your support and encouragement and please keep the emails coming, but try to understand that my choices are not your choices and that while you don’t necessarily understand the choices I have made, know that I have very strong reasons for doing so.

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22 Comments

  • Reply Kirsty

    Thinking of you Shaz. Get the Merina – although that will involve one more episode of you removing your knickers and getting into stirrups for the insertion. (!!) So, maybe the shot then??

    November 16, 2009 at 4:43 pm
  • Reply Sian

    Shaz, I’m in no way comparing my journey to yours, but I totally get it!! I think that going on contraception is a good idea and may do wonders in healing your heart too. I gave up the possibility of falling pregnant naturally or via an IVF with my eggs long ago. I know exactly when I’m ovulating……but my heart doesn’t hope at all. It’s just another cycle with a crappy egg!!! So I kinda identify with the feelings. Hope that makes sense!

    November 16, 2009 at 5:29 pm
  • Reply loribeth

    It’s hard for people to understand — & they really do mean well, but you truly know what’s best for YOU. I think you’ve spelled it out for them in an understandable & even-keeled way — bravo!! I hope this post helps.

    November 16, 2009 at 5:34 pm
  • Reply Kait

    Sharon,

    I just wanted to say that while I have never been where you are, I feel that I do understand your decision. I might not understand how you’re feeling but I can absolutely understand that someone in your position would want to stop the cycle of TTC. If you know that not going on birth control would continue that cycle for you and you don’t want to continue that cycle then you need to do what you need to do. Only you know what is right for you and your husband in this point in your life and you seem very sure of what that is. That, in and of itself, is a kind of blessing, because you seem really ready to move on to the next stage (or at least abandon the past stage). I’m not saying that moving on is easy at all (quite the opposite), but it must be better than wavering in middle, unsure of how to proceed. I don’t mean for this to sound preachy or conclusive, because I know it could never be as simple as this silly comment suggests, but I just wanted you to know that you have my support and understanding (at least what I can give with my limited experience of your pain and hardship). I truly do hope that you get to have the family you so deserve and I hope you can find some semblance of peace in the fact that it didn’t happen the way you were expecting.

    With love,
    Kait

    November 16, 2009 at 5:38 pm
  • Reply Denise

    I’ve said this before – to you I completely get where you’re coming from – if my dh was more open I’d do the same thing. I’ve only(???wtf???) had 3m/c and been ttc 5 years so nowhere near your mileage but i also know in my logical brain that a “miracle” isn’t going to happen – not without Dr J anyway. Still I watch my ovulation make sure I sneak a quickie in at the right time then spend the 2ww thinking maybe this time and misreading my pms signs as pg signs.
    I’ve agreed with DH 1 more IVF and I can’t wait to “get it over” so I too can move on and really enjoy my new family and maybe adopt another LO…

    November 16, 2009 at 7:19 pm
  • Reply Lea White

    I think it is important that you make the best decisions for you and W regardless of what others might say is best. Only you know what is right for you and only you know how you truly feel. I want to let you know that I am respecting your decision and I’m walking right there with you regardless of the road you are walking.

    November 16, 2009 at 7:44 pm
  • Reply Sandy

    Congrats, Sharon! You’ve moved on and are no longer sitting on the fence. The strong emotions that you describe about not wanting to be in the situation ever again are what I went through after we decided that we were done, as in no more, never, ever. And while I watched others go through their journeys and was a bit envious and wistful, no amount of money could have tempted me to do the same. It’s a conviction I never wavered from even after the surprise pregnancy and miscarriage years later.

    It’s amazing how you dance around for a while wondering if you’re making the right decision and not knowing and then one day, poof!, something happens and you’re certain that you’re where you are and that it’s not going to change. And each person has a different trigger point.

    Doesn’t mean you won’t be sad or sometimes be a little tempted, particularly after you hear of someone who achieves success after doing just a wee bit more than you did, but those stories are few and far between.

    Congrats again, Sharon. You are to be applauded for reaching this important milestone. It’s a hard road to get to it.

    Hugs!

    November 16, 2009 at 8:14 pm
  • Reply Joni

    Hey Shaz, I totally get where you’re coming from…. I too am probably going to go on the injection in the next couple of weeks (just waiting for a gynae appt.)!! Cause everyone now says to me “oh you’ve adopted now you’re definitely going to get pregnant……” I mean REALLY!!!!

    November 16, 2009 at 9:14 pm
  • Reply K

    Hi! My 2 cents – get the Mirena.. I’ve heard some insertions aren’t great, but g-d.. you’ve been through so much more of that shit than most.. and mine was really fine (take a miprodol or 2 an hour or so before ;-)).. but mostly it means you don’t even have to think about it on a three monthly basis.. you can just get on with your life xxx

    November 16, 2009 at 9:26 pm
  • Reply Kristin

    I think I can understand (at least a little) your decision. You reach a point where your life and your sanity simply can NOT take any more. I went through 6 losses in a row and I know the ONLY reason I was able to keep going was the knowledge I had previously carried to term. If I were in your shoes, I suspect I would make the same decision you did. {{{Hugs}}}

    November 16, 2009 at 9:40 pm
  • Reply sassy

    I won’t say I ‘understand’, since I think even amongst IFers, we have such different journeys that while we can offer empathy and support, understanding involves walking in the other’s shoes, and I won’t pretend to have done that. That said, I am quite surprised that you are getting these emails, and while they may be well intentioned, I am so sorry you have to hear that kind of stuff from other IFers. Only you can know and feel out what is best for you, and this whole life journey is a matter of trial and error more than anything else. If you feel you need to close this door, I am sure it is for a reason and I believe that your gut can sometimes give you the best advice you need. I hope that you will be able to rest and heal in these months that come, and that this will bring you the peace that I imagine you need.

    OK that was a long comment. Just know that I’m hear, not to say I understand, but to try to. xox

    November 16, 2009 at 11:04 pm
  • Reply Rach

    *Applauds*

    Thankyou ever so much!!

    We’ve done 120 cycles, wow that hurts to type that.

    I would love to go on b/c but BikerMan is against it because it turns me into the bitch from hell.

    People who can get kncoked up and stay knocked up don’t know or realise what it’s like to get knocked up and NOT be able to stay knocked up, I do and I can completely freakin understand why you don’t want to put yourself through that again.

    Everytime I got a BFFP I dreaded it because after 5 losses you just know whats coming and honestly I never want to experience that again either, it’s not a case of IF but of WHEN you will lose it and after so many miscarriages you can try to change that mindset but it’s almost impossible, the way I dealt with it was just pretending that I wasn’t knocked up, not acknowledge it and even that didn’t work.

    Totally get this post Sharon and I hope everyone else does too.

    xxx

    November 17, 2009 at 2:20 am
  • Reply Chopper1

    Beautifully worded, beautifully put!! I totally 100% get where you are coming from, as I wore those shoes a few years ago. Be blissfully happy, Sharon, because that is what you deserve!!! xxx

    November 17, 2009 at 8:08 am
  • Reply Melinda

    Sharon, I have always admired your strength…

    I take my hat off for you…you are doing the best for you. The constant “what-if” also does not release you to move on.

    Yesterday, i had a tearfully conversation with my sister…about TTC and adoption..And we decided maybe i have too much love in me for my own LO..that maybe my experiences were meant to be shared with a beautiful child in need of a loving Mom and Dad…

    Wishing you everything you deserve and more

    November 17, 2009 at 8:17 am
  • Reply Melanie

    Wishing you much happiness and success in all the choices you make.
    And hoping that the new year approaching brings new beginnings for you and your family 🙂

    November 17, 2009 at 8:44 am
  • Reply Paula

    While it is impossible for me to emotionally understand your situation, intelectually I understand and respect it fully. It must be an enormously difficult decision to get of the ART wagon, and I wish you very well on the “road less travelled”.

    November 17, 2009 at 9:13 am
  • Reply Julia

    I understand completely where you are coming from. Well done for being brave enough to take the road less travelled. Well done on taking a stand. Well done on making a decision that will work for YOU.
    Big Hugs.xxxxx

    November 17, 2009 at 9:33 am
  • Reply Gwen

    Everyone’s journey is different. It’s not always possible to understand, but it’s always possible to respect and empathise. You know yourself and you are the only person who can decide what’s best for you. Follow your own heart.

    November 17, 2009 at 10:48 am
  • Reply CalT

    Shaz. I fully respect your decision. Going on BC gave me finality that fertility treatment and ttc was over. It was closure that I needed. I haven’t gone through nearly what you have but I get wanting to go on BC. For me It was as if I finally got to be in control of my ‘fertility’, no surprises, I knew what was coming every month and it has made the world of difference. It was a hard decision to make but I am so glad I did.

    November 17, 2009 at 4:08 pm
  • Reply SCY

    Your life your decisions. No one else needs to try and change your mind. Standing by you respectfully. And still praying for you to hold your baby in your arms.

    xxx

    November 17, 2009 at 4:33 pm
  • Reply Stacey

    I agree with the others here: this is your life and your decision! There will be some who won’t understand, but you have many supporters who will stick by you no matter what!

    November 18, 2009 at 10:22 pm
  • Reply Susan

    Hi Sharon,

    I haven’t been here in a while. I’ve been mourning. My 2nd IVF cycle failed. I’m so crushed and hurt. My body has now attacked a total of 7 embryo’s!! I have many moments of crying spells.

    Like your need to be on birth control, many do not understand how on earth I could stop my progesterone shots and those damn itching estrace patches on a whim. Well, I’ll tell you why. I went a whole week and 1.5 getting BFN HPT’s. I was crushed. Those estrace patches itched me to no end (they are still itching me and they are off for a few days now). I could not take it anymore! Those progesterone shots hurt like hell and I couldn’t see myself going another 5 days until my BETA when I KNEW I was NEGATIVE NEGATIVE NEGATIVE!! It’s no longer about the free cycles. I’m am loosing my faith in science and most days I feel like I’m in a dream world and I’m in the mentality of “DAMN THE DOCTORS! DAMN THE IVF! DAMN THE SHOTS!.

    I can so relate to this post. I so wish happiness for you, whatever you decide.

    November 23, 2009 at 5:16 pm
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