Have you watched 13 Reasons Why on Netflix yet? If you haven’t and you’re raising kids, I really think you need to!
It’s HUGELY disturbing but gave me a lot to think about.
If you’re not sure what it’s about, here is the official trailer:
I started seeing all the hype about this show on social media a few week’s ago and with so many differing opinions being shared and obviously everyone will have a different truth and a different point of reference when watching this show.
When I first started watching it, I wasn’t sure if I was going to enjoy it. It seemed a little….. teenagey for my tastes but now that I’m finished watching it, I think it’s a show every parent needs to watch and perhaps even every teenager too.
It gave me a lot to think about.
Be prepared, if you haven’t watched it yet, it is truly disturbing, tackling intense issues faced by teens today. The effects on modern technology on teenagers, bullying, underage drinking and drug use, rape and teen suicide. It is NOT an easy watch. In fact, I struggled with insomnia each night after I watched it. My mind was racing. My anxiety on high, raising my girls as teenagers became a VERY real fear. Even my husband watched it and after a marathon session on Saturday night, where we stayed up until 1am to finish the series, we spent most of the rest of the long weekend, talking about it.
Worrying about how we would protect our children. How we would get them through the awful, angsty teenage years, through self discovery and experimentation.
There are a million differing opinions on the show!
And I think it’s important to note, that while 13 Reasons Why is based on a novel, the issues it tackles are VERY real in today’s modern society, you only have to watch the documentary Audrie And Daisy to see how literature imitated life!
And it is TERRIFYING! As a parent, I feel completely unprepared for what comes next…..
But after a lot of thought and reflection on the show, here are some observations we (both my husband and I) made, me with the knowledge of what it’s like to be a teenage girl and him with the knowledge and experience of what it’s like to be a teenage boy:
13 Observations from 13 Reasons Why:
1. Being a teenager is hard!
I remember what I was like as a teenager. It was hard. I was a very angsty teen. Highly emotional and with raging hormones that I didn’t understand. I would often feel down in the dumps, glum, or whatever you prefer to call it. But making statements to teenagers like: “what do you have to feel sad about?” doesn’t help, it just isolates them even further.
Teenagers thrive on drama, most of it of their own making. And it’s such high stakes when you’re a teen, it’s only now as an adult that I can look back and see how ridiculous it all was, even though at the time if felt like my life was ending.
2. Both boy and girl parents share a responsibility
I was surprised, from the number of conversations I observed that so many parents of boys felt they had less responsibility or that somehow raising a teenage boy was less terrifying than raising a teenage girl. But I strongly disagree and I feel that this societal norm needs to stop. Parents, irrespective of whether they’re raising boys or girls, have a responsibility to teach their children, respect for themselves and respect for others. I think we’ve come far enough in our society and our awareness to stop excusing boys behavior as “boys being boys”. That sentiment does not help anyone. And it certainly is not doing our girl children any favours when we excuse that behavior has him “just being a boy”!
I also think that the initial reaction is because the consequences for girls, at first glance, seems so much greater, horrid reputations, teenage pregnancy and the far reaching effect of that. But what if you son was accused of rape? What if you son date raped someone? What are those consequences for him?
We need to start sharing this responsibility, in an attempt to protect both our daughters and our sons.
3. The common theme was absent parents
Emotionally and physically absent parents. Listen, I’m not the parent of a teen yet, but I couldn’t help noticing that Bryce’s parents were absent, Jessica’s parents were absent a lot, Justin’s mother was emotionally absent from his life while being physically present. She never chose him, she never put his needs first.
Hannah’s parents, while physically present where portrayed as being, at times, emotionally absent. I’m certainly not judging them. I think they did what they could with what they had at the time, but life is hard and it’s often easy to become distracted by the issues and the complexities of managing a work/life balance.
This point gave me a lot to think about. How do we remain both emotionally and physically present and connected with our kids so that we can see the warning signs as they unfold? I honestly don’t know the answer to this. And I’m not just talking about the warning signs of suicide from Hannah, but all kids portrayed were giving off warning signs that things were wrong and none of the adults seem to pick up on this.
4. There are different sets of rules for boys and girls
As a girl and now a woman, this has always been a bitter pill to swallow. These different sets of rules that apply for boys and girls. That boys and girls can do the same thing, with completely the opposite effects. Girl experiments sexually, she’s labelled a slut, boy experiments sexually, he’s cool! Girl participates in under aged drinking, she’s a bad girl, boy participates in under aged drinking and he’s “just being a boy”! These double standards drive me WILD!
5. Girls are raging hormones with the hearts on their sleeves, boys are raging hormones with their brains in their pants
It’s all about wanting to fit in and be accepted. But the way boys and girls go about it is just different. Girls get into situations because they’re looking for love, often in all the wrong places and with all the wrong people. Boys get into situations because they’re looking to score. Boys and girls make bad choices because ultimately they’re all searching for identity through acceptance by their peers.
6. It’s all about acceptance and fitting in.
Just look at Justin, he let Bryce send that first picture of Hannah because he wanted to be cool, he wanted to fit in. And this theme played out over and over again. They all turn on each other ultimately because they’re so desperate to fit in, even if it means doing the wrong thing. And doing the right thing can be so incredibly hard. And it can be isolating. And scary. And lonely. Especially when you lack emotional maturity, which lets face it, most teenagers are lacking in. They’re simply NOT adults.
7. Societies obsession with male “stars”
Again, a different set of rules apply. You just need to look at all the male stars who have been convicted of a crime and often times, the sentences handed down are light and the long term effects on their careers, non existent. Just look at OJ Simpson and Michael Vick. Those are only two examples that came to mind, there are hundreds of them!
This sense of arrogant entitlement that we so often see.
8. Underage drinking leads to poor decision making
Nuff said! I don’t even think I need to elaborate. Under age drinking puts teenagers in situations they are not emotionally mature enough to deal with, it puts them in situations where they are not mature enough to make good choices.
How we discourage this, I have NO idea!
9. When raising a son, always raise a Clay, never a Bryce.
Teach your son what consent is. If a girl is unconscious or under the influence of drugs and alcohol to the point where she can’t speak, then she also can’t give consent. When a girl flirts with you, it’s not because “she’s asking for it”.
Teach your son to ask – “Is this OK?” he can save himself a lot of trouble in the long run.
10. Girls are bitchy & boys are pigs
This comes from my husbands mouth just FYI, from his own experience as a teenager. When we compared experiences, it was quite shocking for me, as a girl, to hear some of the things he had to say.
Girls will turn on each other, they will be spiteful and cruel.
11. Self confidence is everything
Teaching our children the difference between right and wrong. Teaching our children to be convicted, to do the right thing, even when it’s hard. Teaching our children to be confident enough in themselves to walk away from a bad situation irrespective of the possible consequences, so do the right thing, no matter how scary. To have a moral compass.
Teaching our children that no matter what stupid thing they do, we will always love and support them. We will always be there for them.
12. Communication is key
I feel like as parents, we need to be mind readers, learning to read both our children’s verbal and non verbal ques. And to keep open lines of communication at all times, even when we’re furious, or dealing with other issues and problems, we have to choose our children first each and every time.
13. Words have the power to destroy
Always be kind. In your words and your actions because you have no idea what others are dealing with, you have no idea if it’s your words or your actions that could push someone to the edge. Because words have the power to cut and break a heart. Because words have the power to alter how we will forever see ourselves.
I could go on and on with this list, but I’ll stop there.
Have you watched 13 Reasons Why?
What were some of your observations?
I think the most encouraging thing I’ve taken from the show is that it’s started a dialogue that we can all engage with and learn from.