SC-065-0116Its funny how sometimes finding your answer can take months of soul searching, months of grappling with your answer and then one day its just there!

That’s what happened to me this weekend. Since my 4th fresh IVFcycle failed, I’ve really battled with what to do next. Part of me was so heartbroken I wasn’t even sure if could go on. Part of me was so confused and hurt by the failure that I considered giving the embryo’s up for adoption. Part of me thought I could never face another round of treatment, part of me felt like I may loose my mind if I never tried again. I’v been swinging freely amongstthese emotions for months now and on Saturday evening, suddenly, while chatting with a friend, the answer came to me. It came out in such a sensible way and seemed so well thought out that it must have been hiding there all along, hidden from sight by my overwrought emotions and confusion.

So here is my answer:

I’m hoping to do my first of two FET’s sometime in the next couple of months, I’m expecting to do it in September, but there is something huge in the pipeline for W and if that pans out I may get to do my FETa little bit sooner. I have two ferns of frozen embryo’s – one fern contains 3 embryo’s and the other contains 4 embryo’s, all of them choice grade, which means in essence we will have two attempts with FET. Of course, in an attempt to be optimistic, I”m really hoping that one attempt will be all that’s necessary but if we’re not that fortunate, then we’ll do FET no. 2 early next year.

I have also come to the realization that I cannot ever go back to where I was a few years ago, so obsessedwith treatment that I had to be doing something every single cycle emotionally and physically, I simply cannot do that again. I wonder if I even have the strengthth or courage to face more than one fresh IVF cycle in a year. Especially considering that not only will I have to have at least 2 – 3 Intralipid infusions for each treatment, but I’ll also be on daily progesterone injections as well as estrogen injections. I”m pretty sure that if I thought I looked like a pin cushion before, its going to be way worse.

Add to that my very squeamish husband will be required to do the daily progesteroneinjections as I wasn’t born with the natural ability to be double jointed and don’t see myself being able to inject my own arse, I think this all makes for some interesting times ahead.

For now, I’m trying not to focus on the possibility of another failed IVF or FET, its too scary and too painful so for now I’m going to do my very best to push the fear aside and focus on what might be…..