Ava will be 7 years old next month. This means that I’ve been “in recovery” from my infertility for the same length of time as I was battling infertility.
7 years to motherhood, 7 years to recovery?
Infertility is the type of trauma that one can’t really appreciate or understand unless you’ve been there. I suppose the same the same is true for any kind of trauma really, unless you’ve experienced it, you can’t really appreciate it’s depth and it’s effect.
But 7 years of healing have made me see things differently.
Infertility made me a raw mass of pain and hurt. It also made me very inward focused and self centered. I know, I know, I know, not exactly qualities we admire or like in others, but it was the only way I knew how to cope. I think a lot of my infertility sisters can attest to this. Especially those of us who are in recovery.
My infertility journey was long, 7 years. And in that time I became bitter and angry too. Of course, at that stage, wrapped up in my pain, I didn’t really see it as bitterness, I saw it as necessary to my own survival.
I read a blog post last week that reminded me of all of this. How easily we interfiles are misunderstood. How easily our pain is misinterpreted as callous.
It’s been 7 years of recovery for me. I can look back on my journey now and not be crippled by pain. There’s a pink scar covering the raw, gaping wound I walked with for a very long time.
It’s not easy being friends with someone going through infertility. If you’re friends with an infertile all I can say is, thank you and keep on keeping on being there for your friend.
If you’re going through infertility, all I can tell you is, even though it doesn’t feel like it right now, one day, some way, some how, it’s going to be ok.
You will heal.