8 Years!

This time 8 years ago, I woke up to a warm wet sensation on my legs and in the bed and horrific stomach cramps, I jumped out of bed and the blood started to gush down my legs. I was hysterical. We raced to the emergency room and by the time the gynae on call came down to perform the scan, our baby had already been “evacuated”. I’d had what I was horrified to discover referred to as a “spontaneous abortion”. My first miscarriage.

Every year since, the 12th September has been a unbelievabley sad day for me, the start of the hardest trial of my life. The start of a journey that was at times so unbearably painful I wished, no I begged to die. There times when the pain was so excruciating that it hurt to breathe, there were times when the sadness and grief were so overwhelming that I didn’t know how to live.

But today I have come full circle and instead of sitting year reminiscing on the day that started it all, on feeling sad and thinking about all the coulda/shoulda/woulda been’s, I’ve been sitting here, sipping coffee with Walter and laughing at Ava as she plays on the floor, rolling about, leopard crawling and attempting to crawl while the effort of it all causes little farts to escape her.

Today instead of being sad, I’m happy. I’m happy it’s behind me. I’m happy to have my daughter with me. I haven’t forgotten, I’ll never forget, that’s the whole point of the tattoo, to never forget, my badge of honor that I will wear, etched into my skin forever, for what I’ve been through and survived.

But finally, there is only happiness!

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  • Reply lea2109

    What a wonderful happy post!

    September 12, 2010 at 7:37 am
  • Reply ksmind


    September 12, 2010 at 7:59 am
  • Reply Me

    I know you know this but you’re so lucky to have gotten to where you are, to have put all that behind you, to be able to look forward and see happiness, to revel in that now, to know that no matter what the future holds, you will always have Ava in your life.

    I’m glad today is what it is for you, rather than what it has been in the past.


    September 12, 2010 at 8:29 am
  • Reply suestuart

    Am so glad that finally you can feel happiness on a day that previously caused so much grief.

    September 12, 2010 at 5:54 pm
  • Reply little29

    such an uplifting post – you deserve every ounce of happiness!

    September 12, 2010 at 6:09 pm
  • Reply staceysthoughts

    Had chills when I started reading this post, but by the end I was just so happy to read about how Ava has changed your life in so many ways! I love to see how God has taken your hurt and pain and turned it into something beautiful as only He can do. So happy for you!!

    September 12, 2010 at 8:38 pm
  • Reply orbit365

    This post moved me to tears and it made me think of Psalm 30 vs 11 & 12:

    You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
    you have loosed my sackcloth
    and clothed me with gladness,
    that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.
    O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!

    September 12, 2010 at 9:18 pm
  • Reply wheresmybun

    I’m so so so happy that you’ve put all the pain and sadness behind you. You are so unbelievable blessed!

    September 13, 2010 at 9:39 am
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