Firstly, have you noticed the new button up on my blog? Over there on the right? The one about Blogging With Integrity? I stumbled across that on Coach Marcia’s blog yesterday and just loved the pledge when I headed over to the site to find out what it was all about.  So I’ve signed the pledge and am sharing the button and I’d urge all of you who have blogs or participate in blogs to do the same. Too often blogs land up getting used as tools to cause hurt or fulfill personal vendetta’s, posts full of name calling and plain and simple spitefulness. I HATE it. I’ve been a target of such blogs and have seen others fall victim to such spiteful and vindictive behavior. In my personal opinion, it’s so childish and those that participate in that type of behavior lower themselves to nothing more than school yard bullies.

Right, climbing off my soap box and moving along….

I wanted to say a little bit more about my Surviving The Fall Out post.

First off, thank you so much to everyone for the supportive comments. I was really nervous about that posting. I was afraid of judgment, I was afraid of appearing weak because I had a less than perfect life. I was afraid of coming across as ungrateful because perhaps I should just shut up because, you know, I have a baby and all. It really helped to know that infertility or not, this is not a unique problem, I guess the old cliché is true, babies don’t fix marriages! If you don’t have a marriage built on a strong foundation you probably won’t make it through the storm of a new-born!

I think that what made is harder to own up to is that I’ve felt a lot of pressure from all angles, to be blissfully happy, because, you know, I have a baby and all. Six months down the drag and people still look at me with a twinkle in their eyes and say: “Hows it going MOMMY?”. Oh the pressure! To which I always meekly reply: “Its wonderful!” And of course, it is wonderful, especially now that the 1st three months are behind us. But it’s also at times, bloody awful. Its like the best and the worst thing all rolled into one. Does that make any sense???

I wish that more people would own up to how hard this is on a marriage, perhaps then it wouldn’t come as such a shock to all of us when it happens to us. Your comments and support really helped make both Walter and I feel like our situation wasn’t unique, that what we were going through was perfectly normal and that with a bit of effort and weathering the storm, we’d be ok. Just like I wish more women would be open and honest and tell expectant Mom’s and Mom’s-in-waiting just how bloody awful those first few weeks and months are. Not that you can ever be prepared for just how hard those first few weeks are, but still, if I’d heard more mom’s say how tough it was for them, I wouldn’t have felt like such a complete failure as a mother, a worthless, useless wannabe mother.

So as part of our plan, Walter and I have decided to start going out, even if it’s just once a month for now, without Ava. We’ve done this exactly ONCE since Ava was born, 6 months ago! We were on holiday in Cape Town and my Dad gave us tickets to his corporate box at Newlands to watch the Stormers in a Super 14 game. My Mom stayed at home to care for Ava and it turned out to be a perfectly shit evening! That was still back in the new-born days, Ava was 8 weeks old, we were both still in a stunned shock over finding ourselves parents, we were tired, we’d just come through the extremely stressful 60 day period, our nerves were shot and the friendship part of our relationship was at an all time low. We had a HUGE argument about 10 minutes after arriving at the box and spent the rest of the evening avoiding each other – lovely!

Of course, you know how hard it is to trust someone with the care of your baby and to be honest, I only trust my Mom and Loveness. So Walters company is having a Christmas In July party next Friday. Initially we were going to not go, then we decided, actually we should go and (I know I know totally OTT) we were going to FLY my Mom up for a day to baby sit but when we saw the ticket would cost R2 000 we thought better of it. Well this morning, after walking into the kitchen holding Ava, having her start giggling and smiling when she saw Loveness and then launching herself into Loveness’s arms, putting her tiny hands around Loveness’ face and burying her face in Loveness’s neck, I realized how lucky we are to have someone who loves Ava as much as we do but who respects me as Ava’s mother and does things my way. So after a chat, Loveness has told me that she adores Ava and that she will gladly baby sit for us, for R200 an evening, we’ll buy her dinner and we’ll get her a Safety Cab to take her home. So yay! We will now start going out once a month, just the two of us as Loveness has indicated she’d even be happy to do this for us every weekend!!!

Love that woman, God knows, half the reason we have it so easy is because of her. She’s been a blessing and a gift and has given me such peace about going back to work.

Sorry for the all-over-the-place post. But just wanted to share some thoughts!