A New Perspective

I am in the process of crossing ‘over to the other side”. Its not the “other side” that we infertiles dream about, think about, pray for, when we first start out on this journey. No! That “other side” involves pregnant bellies and feeling a baby move, knowing the joy of giving birth etc etc etc. My “other side” is quite different. The dream of motherhood is still there, but its different. I am in the process of accepting that I will never know any of the things that those that cross to that “other side” know.

My crossing over is not happy, its not filled with joy and wonder and excitement and plans. Its somber and sad and difficult. Its a painful rebirth. A paradigm shift in who I am and what I stand for and all that I know. During my rebirth, my crossing over, the very people who once supported me now have the power to unintentionally hurt me. I see things a new way, a different way to them. A way that is terrifying and incomprehensible to them. It was like that for me once too. But now, not so much, its still painful, when I refer to my period of grief and mourning post miscarriage #7, I don’t just talk about grief and mourning the miscarriage, my grief and mourning incorporates the crossing over.  Giving up on what I believed so strongly would happened fought so hard for for so long. I too believed like all infertiles going through treatment that it absolutely would happen. I too had peace that one day sooner or later a treatment would work that would result in a baby. I believed with all my heart that when I got pregnant from the FET that everything would be fine but it wasn’t! I cringe now when I hear those words spoken, so flip, everything will be fine because sometimes it just isn’t!

Its painful for me to read infertility blogs and postings about how if we try hard enough, try enough times, we will succeed. Its like saying I didn’t want it enough, I didn’t try hard enough, I didn’t give it my best shot. Those sentiments hurt even though I know its not intended to. Even though I know its every infertile out there going through her umpteenth IVF mantra to keep going, to have hope, to be able to face another round of painful treatment. For those of us who have crossed over to the “other side” the side that infertiles fear the most, this sentiment hurts. It makes us feel like failures and God knows, infertility already does a pretty good job of that already.

Wiseguy quoted the words from a song that really touched me, I think it expresses exactly what myself and so many other infertiles who have “crossed over” to this side feel:

‘Itna tadpe ki pyaas bhi na rahi’ –   ”I anguished over it so much, that the thirst died’

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  • Reply SassyCupcakes

    Amen. Sometimes it just wont happen. Sometimes it isn’t worth throwing yourself under a bus. Sometimes it’s okay to not want it that bad. I wish others could appreciate that and not bring others down to give themselves more hope.

    November 13, 2009 at 5:33 am
  • Reply Invivo

    Everyone handles these things differently, I know some people who have “given up” after one failed IVF, and yes, if your mindset is dust of get up and kick ass, then often it’s difficult to let those people be and respect their feelings ’cause you have to self preserve and keep yourself going. People don;t like living with the mental incongruence of seeing both points of views, resulting in tunnel view.

    I think it takes an enourmous amount of emotional maturity to meet minds with people on both sides of the border. It’s one of the things that often saddens me in the world of infertility, the tendency to create “us vs. them” groupings. It’s a human flaw, from there they saying “birds of a feather flock together”.

    I for one have accepted the way you feel (even though at first I had to shake my head a little to let go of the old mantras of never-give-up). I understand that each individual has a unique process and that their process needs to be respected. That rings true on both sides of the border.

    Just know that there are those who do respect your decisions and perhaps have better comprehension than what you might think, just give people time to adjust to accepting your choices and learning how to treat you. There is no reason you should be alone on the other side, as long as both parties respect each other’s points of views and supports them in that things will work out just fine and you will find a lot of commeraderie.

    I do hope you manage to navigate that very tricky territory to maintain the support of those around you ’cause there are many who care, despite possible appearances of them not understanding or being in a different place.

    Wishing you the best of luck and speedy success in acheiving your own special brand of motherhood. And whatever the outcome, remember that you owe yourself happiness. Life is short and we only have one to live.

    Eat dessert first. 😉 (Whoops, almost wrote desert! Bah hah!)

    November 13, 2009 at 7:11 am
  • Reply Chopper1

    Sharon, I have been reading Fertilicare for quite some time, and joined up earlier this year. Your story, and what you have been through is one of those that has stuck in my head, and I think of you constantly.

    I cried the day I read about your mc number 7 and I felt like a complete rookie at this whole TTC thing, but all our journey’s are different no matter how long we’ve all been TTC and what we have been through.

    I want to tell you that your post above struck me in a big way – as it was my exact mindset a few years ago. Things have now changed for me, and I have resigned myself to the fact that I will never be able to have my “own” children – i.e. we are going the donor route. It took about 3 and a half years for me to reach that decision and I cannot tell you how much I battled myself – both in my heart and in my head. When someone suggested to me – all blase – in 2005 “Why don’t you just get a donor” .. I cannot TELL you the absolute rage I felt. If I could’ve strangled her on the spot, I would have. People can be such @-holes at the best of times, thinking that they know better or that they know how you feel. NO ONE knows how you feel. Not even I – as a fellow TTC struggler – know how you feel. But I can at least relate.

    I pray that you will just be happy. You have been through so very much and you deserve everything that is good and wonderful.

    I’m really bad with words at the best of times, and I hope that nothing I have said here has upset you or has been tactless.


    November 13, 2009 at 8:03 am
  • Reply SCY

    I can only imagine how hard this process is for you right now my friend. And while I’m on a totally different mind set to you right now, I can respect the way you’re feeling and how you’re working though this process right now.

    I may not know how it feels but I can try relate and be here for you as best I can while you go through it all and cross fully over to your own “other side”…


    November 13, 2009 at 12:03 pm
  • Reply WiseGuy

    Sharon…I am so sad that this journey has been so cruel and tough…I am with you while you navigate to the other side….but I also want to tell that when people in general tend to say that trying would always meet the goals, they are basically trying to convince themselves.

    My mother always told me something…

    “The outcome is not that important. What is important is that one should be satisfied that they had given their best shot.”

    Don’t let anybody dare tell you that you did not do enough. You did your best. And if that is not good enough for God, well, that is how differentiated between himself and humans.

    I am a babbler lately, and if you find me a little incoherent, do excuse me.

    I only have to read your post and write my words, but it makes me shiver to even imagine the pain that must have initiated the process.

    Good Luck.

    November 13, 2009 at 3:38 pm
  • Reply loribeth

    It always drives me nuts too when people say (or imply) that if you just keep trying, you’ll eventually get pregnant. IT DOESN’T ALWAYS HAPPEN. People want & need to believe that. But the sad truth is that not everyone who walks through the doors of a fertility clinic comes home with a baby.

    WiseGuy is right. You gave it a great shot. You’ve endured more than most people, fertile or infertile, could ever imagine. You’ve more than earned the right to walk away, with your head held high, and on to the next phase of your life, whatever that may entail. (((hugs)))

    November 13, 2009 at 3:58 pm
  • Reply Mash

    I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you have gone through and are going through. Nobody can.

    I think the unfair thing about modern technology is that sometimes it does give hope where the odds are in fact very low. Years ago we would have had no option but to deal with infertility and move on. But now we have this hope, and we might throw years of our lives at it, and our life savings, and fertility specialists never sit us down and say – 30% is really a very low probability. And that probability doesn’t improve the more times you do it – you start from scratch with the same probability every time.

    Our upbringings teach us that if we just work hard enough, anything is possible. That’s not true for fertility. My words might sound so incredibly harsh, and I’m sorry if they are. But the fact is that some people (in fact most people) who embark on this journey will not be going home with their own genetic baby in their arms.

    I think you are an amazing and strong person. Whatever choices and decisions you make, I hope that you find peace within yourself again. I hope that you get to the other side of the pain. I hope that one day soon, something will make your heart sing again, no matter how small or insignificant it might be. And I hope that you get lots of love and support along the way.

    November 13, 2009 at 5:04 pm
  • Reply K

    Here, and want to hear, no matter what xxx

    November 13, 2009 at 8:32 pm
  • Reply Stacey

    So true. Infertility is one of those things for which statements like “if you put your mind to it you can accomplish anything” just aren’t true. Some will try everything possible and unfortunately it just doesn’t always happen. I believe in hope as long as there may be a chance, and I believe in miracles too. I believe in keeping the door open for something to happen while understanding that it truly might not – and I don’t call this pessimism, but realism. But I DON’T believe we should ever allow our hope to trample on someone else’s emotions. That’s just not okay.

    Sending you tons of support and hugs.

    November 13, 2009 at 9:59 pm
  • Reply Kristin

    That quote sums it up beautifully. I hope your crossing over isn’t too painful.

    November 14, 2009 at 6:52 am
  • Reply monica lemoine

    Shaz, always a treat to read about your shifting perspectives, and how this experience is shaping you and the “side” you are drifting toward. Who knows; this could be one of those things where the moment you shift the side of accepting that you might “never know” those prego baby-moving feelings, it’ll happen. Or maybe it won’t. Either way, I think you show constantly through this blog that you’re a strong, remarkable person who deals adeptly with the blows life has given you, in ways that are inspiring to others.

    November 14, 2009 at 10:33 pm
  • Reply Joni

    I was scared shitless when we made the decision to cross over, after all we hadn’t gone through all the treatments, but on the advice of two specialists we decided to cross over! Coming to terms that I wouldn’t carry my own baby was hard soo soo hard, but Adam is healing us one day at a time… so now being on the other side isn’t soo bad anymore!! Actually it’s great, I’ve got my marriage back, getting my sex life back, getting my sanity back and the wounds are slowly healing….

    Good luck and remember we’re all here for you as you embark on the other side!!!

    November 16, 2009 at 11:46 am
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