Its been 10 months since this photo was taken way back in January. On some levels it feels like a life time has past, on others, it feels like its been a blink of an eye.
Between the 8 of us, we have amassed a number of timed, medicated cycles, two IUI’s, 8 IVF’s/FET’s/GIFTs, 2 donor egg cycles, about R500 000 and an immeasurable amount of heart ache and heart break with very little joy. Out of the 14+ cycles in the last 10 months, represented by us women here only 4 resulted in positive pregnancy tests and of the 4 only one has resulted in a pregnancy that past the 12 week/first trimester mark and 3 resulted in first trimester miscarriages and one in the loss of a triplet. And yes for the person who is incessantly googling “Maritza from Fertilicare pregnant with triplets”, that would be our friend Maritza who lost one of her triplets.
Of the 8 of us, one is still pregnant, 3 will have to use donor eggs, one of us has been told to use a surrogatete and two of us have given up completely on treatment, two of us are pursuing adoption and one has chosen to live child free.
What a devastating statistic. So little success, so little joy after so much hard work, pain, sacrifice and discomfort. When I look at the stats all layed out like that, I can’t help having peace with my choice not to continue on with treatment.
When I look at that photo, my heart is overwhelmed by sadness, when I see the smiles on our faces I marvel at what an incredibly brave bunch of women we are, but I am crushed by the difficult hand we’ve been dealt. My 7+ years of infertility has taught me that the longer one seems to try the less chance there seems to be for success. Its always the younger women, the ones who haven’t been trying as long that lap us at the finish line. In this group of women, there is one who has tried for 10 years, one who has tried for 7 & a half years, one who has tried for over 6 years and so it goes down. Its interesting that the ones that have given up are the ones who have been trying for 6 years and upwards. Just between the 3 of us, we have more tha 23 years of TTC combined!!!!!
Yesterday, Monday, 2nd of November was supposed to be my first antenatal visit, I would have been 7 weeks pregnant. I can’t help but think about all the could have/should have beens. Not just of what yesterday should have been but of all the could have/should have beens that I see masked in the smiles of my infertility sista’s eyes.
And it makes me extremely sad.