On Friday, I had to have a CD2 baseline scan to ensure that I had adequately shed my pregnancy lining and another beta to ensure that my HCG levels were nearing the zero mark. It was a very emotionally painful experience, I cried the entire way through the scan, I cried the entire way through the blood test, I cried the entire way through the inventory write up of all my return meds, I cried through entire credit procedure and then I sobbed the entire way home. The staff at the clinic were wonderful.  Every single one of them recognized and acknowledged my pain. But while I was there going through the motions, I had one thought going through my mind, I  don’t want to be here anymore, I don’t want to do this anymore. I do not ever want to have another scan, another beta, another repeat beta, another repeat repeat beta. I do not want ever want to have another discussion surrounding my inexplicably declining beta results. I’m finished, I am done!

Of course, in time, with renewed strength I may change my mind and that’s ok, but I feel like now is the time for weighing up all our options. I’m not ready to give up on motherhood, but I am ready to start looking at some of the alternatives. So I did a something, something that took a huge amount of courage for me to do, I was so scared while I was doing it, that I cried throughout the process. I’ve had the name of a private adoption social worker, tucked away in my wallet for years now. She’s highly respected in South Africa and very well known in the infertility community for her placements. So I picked up the phone and phoned her. We have a provisional appointment set up for later in November. I’d like to meet with her, hear what she has to say, see what the procedure will involve, what our odds are and then weight up the pro’s and con’s of donor versus adoption.

The thing is this…… countless timed… stimmed cycles… 3 IUI’s… 2 surgeries… 5 IVF’s…7 pregnancies….7 years….0 children. I don’t think I ever want to be pregnant again. The experience is completely ruined for me, its a time of extreme stress and anxiety and right now, I just don’t see myself doing it again. I also know that W is sick of treatment, he’s sick of watching me go through treatment, he’s sick of the Dr’s appointments and blood tests and watching me have my heart shattered over and over again. When we got the news of this last miscarriage, the same day we received the news he said to me: “Lets stop this and focus on adoption”.

And that’s the option I’m feeling most comfortable with right now. Of course by the time we meet with the social worker, we will have had our follow up appointment with my RE and an entire month would have past, a lot can change in that time and perhaps I’ll have changed my mind again.

But for now, I’m keeping my options open and exploring all the avenue’s.