happy pill

Last week Nicki from One Of The Boys shared a link on Twitter that really got me thinking about my own internal struggle and subsequent use of AD’s.

There were a number of times during our journey with infertility & RPL that I was prescribed AD’s by both my GP and my Fertility Specialists. But each time they were prescribed, I resisted, I didn’t want to take them. I also bought into the whole:

If I tried harder, if I could just pull it together, if I could put this all in perspective, if I could stop being so selfish with my feelings – I could get better. 

I believe this sentiment is shared by many of us who are prescribed AD’s, especially as their use is on the increase and often seen as the easy way out.

I was afraid I’d feel numb, I was afraid that the use of AD’s would stop my grieving process, I was afraid I’d stop feeling altogether. And so I resisted. Which in hindsight was a really stupid thing to do given that depression, in varying degrees, does run in my family.

What I hadn’t anticipated was that by ignoring my depression, I was in effect making it worse. But at the time I did not realize I was depressed. I thought that depression was to feel depressed and to cry all the time and I simply did not feel this way. Of course, I did after a failed IVF or a miscarriage, but that is a normal grieving process. What I had anticipated was the depression could and most certainly was in my case, a question of feeling nothing, disconnected, my joys weren’t joyful, I felt flat all the time and during times of joy I felt overwhelmed by those feelings.

I’ve been on AD’s for 9 months now and just like the writer of that linked piece said, I no longer feel any guilt or shame over the use of my AD’s. They have given me my life back. They have given my husband his wife back, they have given my daughter the mother she deserves and my friends the friend they thought they’d lost.

Of course I still experience low lows, I get the sads, but who doesn’t? Nobody goes through life on an even keel constantly and it’s good for me to experience those emotions because then I feel I am emotionally well. By biggest fear when starting on AD’s was that I wouldn’t feel these emotions at all.

I’m most certainly not advocating AD’s for everyone but I am saying that if you feel you need them don’t be afraid to take them. AD’s gave me my life back. I’m no longer an indifferent bystander in my life, paralyzed by anxiety and depression.

I no longer experience joy trapped behind a wall of indifference. My emotions are now multicolored and I experience them all to the fullest without fear of anxiety or sadness.

Never take for granted the pain and trauma that infertility and more especially RPL can cause and how far reaching the effects can be. The extent of my trauma and depression only became obvious after my struggle with RPL and infertility were over, at a time when I should have been the happiest, I was actually the most indifferent.

For more on The Blessed Barrenness in the media, get your hands on the September issue of Fair Lady on shelves Monday, 20 August.