For a while now, I’ve been thinking about this, I know I’ve blogged about similar topics in the past, but this thought keeps coming back to me and I’m starting to wonder……..
This holiday in Cape Town and then this Sunday spent with my MIL, SIL and her two kids, just reconfirmed this thought in my head. This thought causes me some confusion surrounding how to proceed. Its probably going to sound incredibley selfish and when I share it, its probably going to make me sound incredibly shallow and perhaps its not even a genuine thought, perhaps, its just a protection mechanism to protect my aching heart from further hurt. So I’m going to share the thought here, for those of you with children, please don’t judge me to harshly, I’ve never experienced parenthood so this is just an opinion and for those of you battling infertility, try not to judge me too harshly, because I suspect that there is a possibility that this is genuinely just a protection mechanism.
Ok, so here it is: The more time I spend with family and friends who have children, the more I realize how privileged my life is. Does that sound awful? Do I sound shallow and superficial? Should I explain? Well here’s the thing, I live in a lovely house, we have really nice furniture in our home, none of which gets jumped on, messed on, vomited on etc etc etc. I have as much quiet time/personal space as I want, I do whatever I want, whenever I want and the only person I have to consider is W. We go away on holiday regularly, we’re planning an overseas holiday. I drive a luxury car, I go to the spa at least twice a year, I have beauty treatments every single month, I get my hair done every single month. I allocate a portion of my salary for buying clothes, bags, shoes and accessories every month. I get at least 7 full hours of sleep every night, I can sleep late every weekend, I can work overtime whenever I want. We eat out at least once a week with no consideration given other than what we’re in the mood for. I can watch whatever I want on TV and that NEVER includes Cartoon Network to CeeBeeBee (or whatever its called).
On the whole, on reflection, I have a really really great life, sometimes, just sometimes, I wonder if I want to give it all up for children? I feel conflicted. Just yesterday I told W that we should postpone our FET planned for July in order to make our planned overseas trip to Australia and New Zealand sooner without having to worry about the inconvenience of an FET. I have to wonder, if I’m thinking like this, do I really want a child? I’m tempted to choose an overseas holiday over an FET, over the chance of having a baby.
I also know, that despite the fact that none of our family or friends would give up their children, that they do look at the lifestyle W and I have with a sense of longing. I suppose the same way that I look at their children with a sense of longing.
I guess the biggest question I need to answer for myself is, were I too have a baby, would I be able to adapt to the selfless life of motherhood? Would I be happy? I turn 37 next month, have I not perhaps lived too much of my life in this manner, will I be able to adapt? Or do I try to appease myself with the thoughts of my privileged life in order to avoid dealing with the pain of infertility. I simply don’t know.