achildagainstalloddsI watched the second episode in the BBC Documentary last night – A Child Against All Odds, it was a really appropriate episode as it focused mostly on Frozen Embryo Transfer, the process, success rates and shared the journey’s of three different women. What was truly weird was my reaction to the show and I’m hoping that you, dear reader, can shed some light on my rather bizarre reaction.

So let me explain. I’ve had 4 IVF’s, one cancelled due to no fertilization and three negative IVF’s. I’ve been poked & prodded, I’ve been jabbed and jabbed myself with needles, I’ve had Intralipid infusions, I’ve been conscious for some of my egg retrievals, we’ve done PGD and heard the devastating news of chromosomal abnormalities. Through all of that, the only times I’ve cried was on hearing the news of the cancelled and negative beta tests. The rest of the time, I’ve gritted my teeth, hardened my resolve and gotten the job done. I’ve offered support to others going through IVF, I’ve talked about my IVF’s, I’ve blogged about my IVF’s, I’ve shared experiences about my IVF’s and its all been very matter of fact. So why then, when watching a documentary about other women, women I do not personally know, why is it that when watching these women go for their scans, have injections get the news of egg retrievals and fertilization reports, am I completely unable to control the sobs that burst out of me? Last night I cried about IVF for the first time since my IVF failed in March. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and when the sobbing stopped it was replaced by great big crocodile tears that slid their way down my cheeks, into the corners of my mouth and down my neck.

I cannot explain or understand my reaction. W kept asking if I was ok and I kept saying I’m sorry I don’t know why watching other women on TV have IVF is so unbearably painful for me. Seriously, I’m confused by this reaction!

And even though I’m super psyched for my FET which could start within the next couple of days, after my reaction last night that excitement is also tinged with a little bit of fear. I’m so afraid of being plunged back into that dark pit of despair should the next round fail.