Since yesterday the anxiety I always experience while waiting for the results of an IVFkicked in. The frantic pantie checking started somewhere in the middle of the night, you know when you sit there with a wad of toilet paper in you hand, your eyes scrunched closed, praying that when you look down you won’t see any traces of blood or anything else that couldbe misconstrued as spotting. The desire to start doing home pregnancy tests is absolutleyoverwhelming, I’m literally white knuckling it through this desire to know and to know now. Every now and again I have to remind myself to take long, deep breaths because I catch myself holding my breathand feel my heart beat start to accelerate as I re-live all the failed IVF’s from the past. How I knew each of them had failed, that moment when I knew, the emotions I experienced.

Of course what’s not helping is the fact that my OHSSsymptoms have all but disappeared, I keep wishing they’d return with vengeance, this is mostly because my RE informed me that OHSS often bodes well for a positive result and that in 50% of cases, after implantation, the OHSS symptoms return. I want to fall into that category, I don’t care about the pain, the pain will offer me comfort, it will offer me hope that the treatment has worked, I don’t care if passing urine makes me want to faint, if walking becomes agony and changing positions in bed makes me want to cry, bring it, I need the comfort of it. I also know that by now, given that we did a 5 day transfer, one of two things has occurred- one or bothof my beautiful embryo’s has implanted or one or both of my beautiful embryo’s has died.

I’m 4 days past transfer, experience has taught me that if this treatment has failed, somewhere in the next 3 days I will start to see blood, its W’s birthday in 2 days, God please, don’t let his birthday be ruined because of failed treatment. The last IVF, I started to spot exactly 5 days after transfer, my then clinic had the cheek to tell me it was impossible, it was too soon. Well here’s something I’ve learnt after 7 years of trying to have a baby, my body has very strong cycles, no amount of manipulation or hormones can over ride those cycles. My period has started on the 28thday of my natural cycle with both of my previous IVF’s. The first IVF was 7 days past transfer, the second IVF was 5 days past transfer.

As you can see, I’m failing miserably at having faith, its way harder to put into practise than to just talk about, I’m not even sure I have hope right now, both hope and faith are too scary to face at this moment in time. I’ve started to think that hope and faith are for the people who’ve actually received a positive pregnancy test from some form of fertility treatment, not for people like me, who despite being pregnant numerous times, has never actually achieved a pregnancy from fertility treatment. I’ve joked in the past that I’m like that anti-patient, what works in theory for others does not work for me, I really really want to be wrong this time.

Another day paralysed by all the what if’s………..