Bitter Sweet Memories

This time 6 years ago, I was so happy, we were so happy, we were so excited and full of hope, we were sharing our excitement with the world.

This time 6 years ago, we had been married for less than a month. We’d had the most beautiful wedding ceremony, we’d had the most joyful wedding reception. We were so in love, we’d not had anything challenge our happiness, our entire lives lay ahead of us and we could see nothing but sunshine and happiness.

I was 30 years old, W was 26. I’d been off the pill for 3 months, we’d planned to start trying for a baby as soon as possible. We’d even joked with our friends that we were going to make a honeymoon baby. Of course, at that stage I had no clue about temping, charting, ovulation predictor kits etc etc, I just figured, if we did it enough it would happen in due course.

We came back from honeymoon and we were both as sick as dogs. Both of us man down from the flu, only difference was that W got better and I didn’t. I just continued to feel like death warmed up. Then the dizziness started. Oh man, I was so dizzy and nauseous I didn’t know what to do with myself. EVERYTHING made me want to vomit, EVERYTHING made me want to pass out.  Off we went to our local GP – shocked I was when his first suggestion was that I was pregnant. I mean, really we’d only been married four weeks, we hadn’t, aside from lots of honeymoon sex, we hadn’t actually started trying for a baby. He made me POAS right there in his surgery and wouldn’t you know it was negative! Some more tests followed and he then put me on a course of antibiotics for an ear infection.

Another week passed, I still felt like hell, but figured the flu had really taken it out of me. On the Saturday morning W and I had a long discussion over our morning coffee and about 10 cigarettes each, we decided it was time to start trying. Off we went to our local pharmacy and bought a BBT thermometer, although looking back, we were so clueless, how we thought that was going to help us is beyond me. We went home, had our own little party in the house, drank ALOT, smoked up a storm, in celebration of our decision to start a family.

On the Sunday morning I woke up feeling even more sick, it was then that it suddenly dawned on me that my period was 5 days late! Still I didn’t think anything of it, yes it was strange that my regular 28 day cycle had suddenly gone a bit wonky, but I put it down to the flu and ear infection and the anti biotics. I never in a million years imagined I could be pregnant without actually having consciously tried. But as a laugh, we decided to do a home pregnancy test.

Off we went back to our local pharmacy and bought a pregnancy test (see no signs of my POAS obsession was yet evident, only one test purchased). When I got home, I duly followed the tests instructions. After using the test, I casually strolled into the lounge, gently set the test down on the coffee table and lit another cigarette to smoke while we waited for the result to develop. Before I’d had even my first drag I noticed the second pink line forming. I remember saying to W: “What is that? What the F%^^ is that?” And there it was, as clear as day, the second, positive line on the home pregnancy test. My mind was reeling, how could this be? We hadn’t actually tried really!

Refusing to believe the test, convinced it must be wrong, I then spent another hour driving around to all the local pharmacies in my area (it was a Sunday afternoon and they were all closed) before finally hitting the jack pot with another HPT! See, still no evidence of the obsession to follow, again I only purchased one.

Raced home, rippped it out of the packaging and pee’d on it. And there it was again, a second pink line.

The next morning, armed with my two positive HPT’s we marched into the GP’s office, I remember just about shoving the tests under his nose and asking him what the hell this could mean. There was only one thing to do, have a blood test. This forced me into another dilemma, my fear of needles came to the fore. I was terrified, crying before he’d even started with the test, whimpering and crying when he wiped the alcohol swab across my arm. Of course, being that nervous only made the blood test take that much longer.

We had to wait the entire day for the phone call, we eventually got it just after 17h00, we were both at home when the call came, I couldn’t believe it! Confirmed, positive for pregnancy, Beta levels consistent with a 5 week pregnancy! Shock! Excitement! Amazement! Happiness………

Was to be very short lived.

16 Comments

  • Lesley

    September 2, 2008 at 10:48 am

    Beautiful wedding pic. You two look gorgeous and so happy.

    “Fall with pride because scars are just physical proof of a memory filled with guts and glory”

    Reply
  • Tam

    September 2, 2008 at 12:54 pm

    This story brings tears to my eyes and sadness to my heart.

    All I can say is that I wish that it weren’t so, I so wish that all of this was different.

    Big big hugs xxx

    Reply
  • Charmi

    September 2, 2008 at 1:31 pm

    Stunning pic! 🙂 I can’t say that I know how you feel – but I can relate a little bit in that our wedding anniv is 11 Sept – and all I know is that every year we also say “Happy anniversary – I hope next year this time we’ll have a baby”.. and ja… the rest is still a very shytie history. Currently 4DPIUI, cramping like crazy, and our test date is .. wait for it… on our anniversary 11 Sept! SIGH. All I can say is I’m thinking of you – and lets focus on getting “our” houses sold and getting our lilley white asses to NZ! HUGS

    Reply
  • Joni

    September 2, 2008 at 1:48 pm

    Hey Shaz

    So sad, I really wish you didn’t have to go through this heartache! But you’re a very very special person and soo soo strong!! You inspire me more than you know!
    We’re hitting our 5 yr anniversary this month, 5 years ago we got married & 5 years ago we started TTC…..

    Thinking of you!!!!

    Reply
  • samcy

    September 2, 2008 at 2:22 pm

    What a stunning pic of the two of you…

    I’m sorry that you’re feeling low about this time, words are not adequate.

    You & W are in my thoughts and prayers always.

    HUGS!!!

    Reply
  • jaded

    September 2, 2008 at 4:26 pm

    Great photo, you guys look great. Congratulations on your anniversary; heres hoping that you will both have more than anniversaries to celebrate soon. Our first child was conceived on our honeymoon without trying. I got back home and all I wanted to do was eat and sleep. My husband convinced me to take a test and it was positive.
    hmmm…Just yesterday I was thinking about our anniversary that’s coming up in October…thinking about babies that should have been here….but i digress…congratulations to you both!

    Reply
  • Suzanna Catherine

    September 2, 2008 at 4:42 pm

    Oh, I’m so, so sorry for the sadness all these memories bring.
    I truly wish with all my heart that it could be different for you.

    Thank you for sharing your gorgeous photo! And thanks for sharing your story.

    Thinking of you and sending ((hugs)).

    Reply
  • Michelle

    September 3, 2008 at 9:24 am

    Shaz – I missed your post yesterday but I had you in my thoughts my dear friend. I wish it was not so damn difficult!! We’ve also been married 6 years and TTC for all that time. Wishing you lots of love and happiness my friend. Always here for you. Thanks for the beautiful blog.

    Reply

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