I turn 40 in just over 6 months time. I’ve been pregnant 7 times and have had in excess of 10 chemical pregnancies. Of my 7 viable pregnancies (beta counts in excess of 200 on the day of missed period) only one of these was achieved with the assistance of fertility treatment. The remaining 6 pregnancies were all naturally conceived, without intervention and all of them before my 34th birthday.
So you can imagine my shock when last week I started having THAT feeling. That distinctly pregnant feeling. Unexplained vomiting. Very sensitive sense of smell. Very tender breasts. I did a home test and was bowled over when it was positive. It dredged up long forgotten memories and obsessions. It’s a place I NEVER wanted to return to. The obsessing. The worrying. What to do? How to proceed? Is this seriously happening? How can this possibly be happening? The overwhelming desire to constantly pee on home pregnancy tests. Wringing my hands with anxiety. My brain racing at a million miles an hour. Not knowing where I was in my cycle as I haven’t tracked my cycle in two years. Not knowing when I conceived. When my period was due. Knowing that the inevitable would happen.
Fast forward another 4 positive home tests. And out of total lack of trust in my own instincts about these things, making Walter stare at the tests and confirm that he too could see the second lines. More worrying. More feelings of dread. More feelings of oh God I don’t want to be in this place, I don’t want to go here. What must I do? Phone my FS (who I haven’t spoken with or laid eyes on in more than 2 years) to go an all the crappy meds, Intralipid infusions, clexane shots and the disgusting progesterone supplements, repeat beta’s and all the other shit that goes along with a positive pregnancy test for me, only to be crushed by another pregnancy loss. I don’t want to be here! I don’t want to go there! I closed that door, firmly and with peace, why is it being cracked open.
Waking up in the middle of the night, doubled over with cramps and gushing blood. Over.
Just utter relief – it is over.
Affirmation – adoption is the right path for me or us.
My psychologist confirmed she’d write a report for my gynae supporting my previously denied request for a hysterectomy.
2012 will be my year to have my useless uterus removed and to be period free for my remaining days. No more of this…….. anxiety, worry, knowing the inevitable will happen. No more practicing the “rhythm” method to try and avoid pregnancies that are doomed to fail.
I am more sure than ever that adoption is the chosen path for us, that we are chosen for a path less traveled.