Last night, what I’ve been waiting for, anticipating and dreading happened. The first signs of spotting. The irony is that at the beginning of this IVF, because of how my previous IVF’s had panned out, I kept telling myself that if I could make it to 8dp5dt I’d have reason to be hopeful.  So I did make it to 8dp5dt and watched as hope glimmered in W’s eyes. But you know, as one of those people who’ve had to walk the special sh*ttyjourney, one of those who’s not going to receive a BFP from taking Clomid, doing a timed cycle,having an IUI, or falling pregnant on my first IVF, one of those people who has experienced just about every sh*tty treatment and outcome that one can have on this journey (bar one outcome that I’m too terrified of to even verbalize) I knew nothing was going to come of it and I was right.

Last night, after returning from wishing my MIL happy 50th birthday, I raced into the house to do yet another frantic pantie check and there it was, the first signs of spotting. The part that surprised me was that it actually upset me because I’d been expecting it. At least now I know what to do, as hard as this is, I know what to expect because I’d done this so many times in the past.

I’ve got so many mixed emotions at the moment. I’m so incredibly sad, I have this strong sense of loss, I am unbelievablyangry, I’m confused,I don’t understand why, why can’t I be one of the lucky ones? Why can’t I catch a break? I’m wracked withself pity. And to be totally honest, I don’t know if I want to continue on with treatment either. After 7 years, countless timed/triggered cycles, 3 IUI’s and now 4 IVF’s, I’ve yet to receive even so much as a glimmer of hope from fertility treatment. I cannot help wondering if what I believe to be God’s promise to me is just one big fat lie? Or some fantasy I’ve created in my head to justify keeping on going. I know a lot of what I’m feeling has to do with the massive disappointment and sadness over this failed cycle and that perhaps in a few weeks I’ll start to feel different.

For right now, I’m scared, I’m scared of how much this all hurts, I’m scared of moving on, I’m scared of how I’m going to cope with my friends pregnancies, I’m so raw that everything hurts. I feel judged and I judge myself harshly. I’m filled with self loathing and despise myself for putting W through this.

But I just need to get to the end of this now, so this morning I’ll be going for the stupid, pointless beta at 9dp5dt so that I can stop the meds and move on.