My head has been spinning.

I’ve been mentally making “pro’s & con’s” lists since a wine infused 3am conversation on Friday evening…er.. actually that would be Saturday morning.

I think I have made a decision. But this decision doesn’t really take Walter into consideration and I’m not sure if it was all the wine at 3am on Saturday morning, but he seemed very keen to do the exact opposite!

We had some friends over for a braai on Friday evening. Amongst our visitors were some newly made friends, a same sex couple, who have a little girl, a month younger than Ava born to them via a surrogate & egg donor and are pregnant with their second baby girl, once again usinig the same egg donor and a surrogate. They had had 5 failed IVF’s at the same clinic as I’d first attended. After the shoddy handling of their 5th failed IVF, they decided to cut their losses and try another clinic. They had success instantly! First IVF, BFP! Precious baby girl born January 2010! First FET done towards the end of 2010 – BFP, precious baby girl no. 2 expected June 2011!

The clinic in questions, while never popular amongst infertiles previously, does seem to be having a rather high success rate of late, especially amongst the “no hopers” those of us who’ve already had 4, 5, 6, 7 failed IVF’s, are now heading over to this clinic and getting pregnant, staying pregnant and having singleton’s, twins and even triplets on their first attempts with this clinic.

My sweet friends are desperate for Walter and I to give said clinic a call, set up an appointment have a quick consultation and take up this clinic’s “Valentines IVF Special”. The thought of IVF being on “special” makes me a little uncomfortable to be honest, I don’t really know why, it just doesn’t fit well with me, BUT having said that, an all inclusive IVF for R19 000 is not to be scoffed at.

Walter was totally onboard about giving this an attempt on Friday evening/Saturday morning. He feels that we took a chance with Ava-Grace, we took a leap of faith and it paid off, BIG TIME! He feels that if there is one lesson we should have learned it is that we have to grab every opporutnity that comes our way because God is a God of miracles but you have to be open to and willing to work to receive that miracle.

I on the other hand am… scared! I don’t want to open Pandora’s box again. I’m terrified of unlocking that part of my brain and thought processes that have been safely locked away for more than a year now. I’m terrified over going back to being “that” person again. The one who’s life revolves around injections, scans, blood tests. I don’t want to unleash that misery on us again. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t tempted. I would be lying if I said my mind has been spinning in a million directions since that conversation.

But there is MUCH to consider. And the most important consideration for me is…. do I really want to be pregnant?? Repeat beta’s, sleepless nights wracked by anxiety, uncontrolable fear, dealing with the long term effects of PUPPS, spotting, feeling sick and ultimatley the possibility of another (my 8th) miscarriage or 9 months of anxiety torture and the possiblity of something going wrong. And the short answer is HELL NO!

But what if Walter wants to? What will I do then?