Depression – It Just Doesn’t Work That Way!

Where to even start….

My head is a mess right now… my emotions are out of control and all over the place.

I should be happy, I have so many reasons to be happy, so many blessings to count, but I’m just not.

I’m not sad either. I’m just blah…. so very very blah.

Actually, I take that back.

I am sad. So very very sad. So weighted down by sadness.

I feel like I’m clinging to the side of the cliff of my emotions and at any second I’m going to plunge into the dark valley of depression… again!

And I don’t want to. I’ve been there before and I don’t want to go back. But I’m battling at the moment, just barely clinging on.

There is no doubt, 2014 has been a tough and devastating year for many of the people close to me, there has been loss, there has been death, there has been sickness. But for me personally, 2014 has been a truly amazing year. But I seem to have been sucked into the vortex of all the tragedy and grief that is surrounding me and I can’t seem to climb back out.

I’ve struggled with depression in the past. But this time it feels different.

Previously I experienced depression as feeling so very very flat. Like I was trapped in a bubble watching the world go by. This time it feels different. Nothing excites me. Nothing makes me happy. When I experience happiness, within seconds its followed by intense sadness. This time it feels like I’m feeling the negative emotions to intensely, too deeply and not just serious situations but all situations.

I tried finding my Christmas spirit by dancing and signing to Christmas carols with my girls on Christmas eve. I wound up being overcome by sadness and crying. I’m overwhelmed by the grief and sadness that surrounds me. I’m overwhelmed by the cruelty, lack of humanity and lack of compassion I see in the world. I’m overwhelmed by the unfairness of life. I’m overwhelmed. And I just can’t shake it.

I’ve been thinking about visiting my Dr next week to discuss my meds. I’ve been on antidepressants since Ava was a year old. They have helped tremendously and within weeks of starting them, I felt a change, a fundamental shift in my being, it was like coming back to life again. But currently they don’t seem to be working. I’m on C.i.p.r.a.le.x  because my depression is also linked with general anxiety disorder. This time around, I’m depressed but not battling the anxiety.

I keep giving myself a pep talk. Telling myself to pull myself together, to get a grip, to stop feeling sorry for myself but depression doesn’t work that way. No amount of pep talking is going to pull me back from the edge.

And so, before I fall too far, I’m going to get help. Not leave it and ignore it like I did the last time, till it nearly destroyed me and my life.

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  • sian

    December 26, 2014 at 10:40 am

    My friend, you are doing the right thing by getting help. Different AD’S work in different ways and it may be time to increase the dose temporarily or change. The AD you are on is actually geared more towards anxiety and not depression so it makes sense that you are feeling the way you feel. I hope you feel better soon. I know how it feels and it’s the pits. Xxxx

  • Rach

    December 26, 2014 at 11:27 am

    Depression is hard and you’re completely right, it is simply not a case of “shaking it” or “getting over it” or just “cheering up”. You can have all the blessings in the world and have SO much to be happy and grateful for but that won’t stop the black dog of depression from rocking up on your doorstep and paying you a visit if it decides to.

    There’s a good chance that your body has “gotten used to” the meds you’re on if you’ve been on them awhile and so maybe you just need to give something else a try. Making that appointment is a step in the right direction.

    I think this time of year can magnify depression as well. I was a mess yesterday, down, sad and just nothing, I literally felt like nothing, like there was no feelings there at all. I couldn’t be bothered. Christmas time makes us take stock not only of our own lives but also of the world around us.

    Thank you for writing this Sharon because in doing so and being open about depression, you will probably help someone you may never even realise you’re helping.

    I hope you start to feel better soon x

  • thandilocks

    December 26, 2014 at 11:39 am

    ((hugs)) No words can help. Been there. No sweet, caring words really help. But we are all rooting for you. Not only for your own sake, but those who see it and wish they could help you out of it.

  • coco

    December 26, 2014 at 6:55 pm

    Those black dogs are a bitch Sharon! It is a vortex of hell dragging you down get some meds and may that and the sound of your kids laughter slowly bring joy.

  • Sula

    December 27, 2014 at 7:08 pm

    I have not battled depression but really admire your honesty and through you being honest with yourself and through sharing what you feel I believe that you will find your way to a more positive place.

  • Ingeborg

    December 14, 2015 at 3:11 am

    Not easy & somtimes meds work, sometimes it takes a while to figure out which one works better. I have had anxiety my whole life with intermittent depression. I eventually did a course for myself on TRE (traumatic release exercises) ~ it worked incredibly & it’s the easiest thing on the world… You can google it ~ it is by far the most effective thing that has worked for me. You are welcome to ask me if you’d like about how it works.


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