Do You Ever Wonder Why?


This isn’t a posting about the “Why me?” question, I gave up years ago wondering why infertility chose me, asking why this happened to me. There simply is no answer to that question or rather I’ve been unable to come up with the answer to that question and trying to find the answers has caused me to land up pointing the finger of blame at myself or at something I’ve done to deserve infertility and then I’ve wound up feeling guilt. Really, I’ve come to the conclusion, there is no satisfactory answer to this question, its just a waste of time and energy trying to figure out the answer.

But lately there’s been a different type of “why” question floating around in my head. I suppose after I’ve exhausted all attempts at answering this “why” I’ll come to the same conclusion, that it was just a great big fat waste of time and energy because, like the “why me” question, this type of “why” questions simply cannot have an answer either.

During a quiet period at the office in the last couple of days, I’ve spent some time catching up on some blogs and reading some of the online support forums. I can’t help but notice that in comparison, and I know you’re all going to say don’t make comparisons, but lets be honest, we all do, so in comparison to a large percentage of IF sisters out there, I’ve certainly been around a long time, I’ve been on this journey longer than the average TTC’er out there. Its really got me wondering why some of us have longer journey’s than others, why for some of us the journey has to be that much tougher? And I’m certainly not taking anything away from anyone who has or is battling infertility out there, infertility is hard – PERIOD, nor am I attempting to be melodramatic, but lets be honest, some of us do have a harder journey to travel than others, I know there are worse things in the world than walking a mile in my shoes, but really, I can’t help wondering why I have to be one of the ones on the tougher road less travelled? Why couldn’t I just be one of those women who tried for a few years, perhaps had one or two treatments and then got her miracle?

I guess this “why” question is the same as the “why me” question, aside from there simply being no answer, it all comes back to looking for reasons why this happened, looking for things I can do to make it better, make it end faster, make me worthy of the same miracle granted to so many others.

So if any of you know the answers to this “why” question, I’d love to read your views.

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  • Reply Lea White

    Sorry, really can’t answer that question because I most definitely don’t know. I stop myself from asking “why?” because there is no point and it just drives me crazy. So instead I just focus on the opportunities I have along the way, the blessings I have despite our situation, the lessons I can learn. What I do know is that God answered my prayer. Way back on the 2nd of June 2007 when Bianca was admitted to hospital and we knew something was wrong, but didn’t know what, I prayed so hard that it would be something that they could treat and something that they could cure and God answered that prayer. He gave us leukemia which they can treat and which has the chance to be cured. Of course only time will tell where God plans to take us on this journey. And as we head towards that 2 year milestone and finally end of active treatment, I will be blogging about this too, but wanted to share it with you in the meantime.

    But please, this is just my own coping strategy with our situation and in no way is this meant to be advice to anybody out there.

    I do think that your journey is so incredibly tough and so incredibly unfair. I so wish I could do something to make it easier or better. You are an inspiration to people like me.

    As always I will keep you in my prayers and in my thoughts!


    May 8, 2009 at 7:01 am
  • Reply Elize

    I also don’t have any answers, I don’t think any one will have any. All I know is that sickness, disease and death is part of this world, there’s no escaping it. And I consider IF a disease. It’s not only a disease of the body but of the mind and spirit too. It may not kill us, but its emotionally and spiritually crippling nonetheless. I also ask why you’ve been doing this longer than most, and why some people have more tradedy in their life than others. My SIL’s mom died last night just 18 months after her father died. It’s tragic and it seems unfair. And all we are left with are more questions. I hope you are blessed with a baby very soon and that you can step off this road once and for all.

    May 8, 2009 at 7:11 am
  • Reply Mands

    I also don’t know why Sharon, some people do have it easier, some don’t. Some have healthy kids and some don’t. Some people are blessed woth perfect health, and some aren’t. Life can suck alot at times, but it can also be such a blessing. I really don’t know why.

    May 8, 2009 at 9:47 am
  • Reply Hela

    I really don’t believe there is an answer, and if there is I would love to know too.
    Being the thinker that I am I used to have sleepless nights thinking about why ppl miscarry, we can come up with some medical reasons, but they aren’t all medical reasons.

    My mom had 4 miscarriages in 10 years (5 babies in total) all at different stages of pregnancy… there’s 10yrs between my sister and myself, back then the medical technology was not as advanced and the only reason which my mom still holds onto today is what her Gynae told her “it’s natures way of getting rid of what’s not wanted”… which starts a whole new debate… how do we determine what’s not wanted?
    Sure my mom miscarried one at 7 months due to German Measles and maybe there was a deformity.
    But some people will be happy with a baby, be it downs, clubfoot, hairlip, paraplegic, etc. Others won’t be. And this again raises questions of why? Why does life hand these babies such complications and hand the parents needy children? For patience? I think not!

    So you see, it all just snowballs, whichever answer we think it is, we have another question for it and this is a circle which just never ends… we will never have the answers.

    And I don’t think you’ll have your answer as to why you have to struggle so much longer and why your road is harder TTC… I’ve even wondered why you have been struggling for so long and I don’t have an answer.

    I can say now that my mom and dad had me so late to keep them young, but that I even know is not an answer as to why they struggled – it’s just the lighter side of humour.
    And no, it’s definitely not to make you realise the importance of them.

    It’s all just part of life and life as we know it… is just not fair!

    May 8, 2009 at 10:50 am
  • Reply Dee

    I wonder every single day. But EVERYONE has some or other issue, no-one’s life is perfect so Ive just made peace that my life is basically perfect except for a family….

    May 8, 2009 at 12:04 pm
  • Reply skrambled

    Sometimes I look at other peoples lives (the ones that fell pg so easily) and wonder the same type of thing. There must be some sort of balance at some stage. But it is really difficult to see.

    I know exactly what you are saying about the length of a journey. I know you have experienced a lot more than I have. But I do identify with the feeling that my journey has been longer than others.

    May 8, 2009 at 1:03 pm
  • Reply Jeannine

    I think you have to realise it’s not personal. Just some experiment in which Mother Nature indulged. Some quirk of DNA, or a small genetic change. There are no reasons and there is no punishment – shit just happens. At least that same genetic chip landing gave you gorgeous skin and great hair!

    May 8, 2009 at 1:16 pm
  • Reply samcy

    I think one cannot help but wonder why some ppl have a harder journey than others or why me or whatever we ask on this road.

    I believe the asking of the questions gets us closer to the acceptance of “it just is what it is”…


    May 8, 2009 at 1:21 pm
  • Reply Kristin

    I don’t know why hon. I don’t think any of us do. But, I know it doesn’t seem to damned fair, does it?

    May 8, 2009 at 2:12 pm
  • Reply Lisa

    We were definitely on the same page today. I am glad to have found your Twitter posts and blog. I do understand the pit of emptiness that goes with those unanswered questions, despite being one of the fortunate ones who did go on to have children. I could so easily have been in a different place now, than I am. There is no fairness about it. Hopefully, you and I and others can help those still on the journey with openness, empathy and generosity.

    May 8, 2009 at 6:22 pm
  • Reply stacey

    Oh, I wish I had the answer to this but I don’t. I know that it doesn’t seem fair. I know that even when we rejoice with others who get their dream, it still hurts deeply for those of us who don’t. I know that the years speed up and the days drag on for those of us meant to walk this path for so many years.

    The only answer I ever have is faith. I don’t mean faith that it will happen to me. I mean faith that no matter what happens I will be okay. I know that I tell you this a lot, but you are a friend and an encouragement to so many along this very hard journey. Thank you for reaching out to me and to others even through your own pain. Love you, girl.

    May 8, 2009 at 6:45 pm
  • Reply nycphoenix

    for my sanity i stopped asking why back in 2007. Been TTC since August 2004. the phrase that keeps me going is what someone in AA told me:

    “God never says no. God says yes, not now or I have something better for you”

    I out my faith in that God always knows what’s best for me whether its pregnancy, adoption, living child free or other.

    May 8, 2009 at 8:34 pm
  • Reply CeCe Garrett

    You ARE worthy. That’s why it stings so much.

    And I guess I have a weird perception of it all… I mean I have two kids here with me. And getting pregnant with Eli only took 6 cycles… it wasn’t until we lost Eli that I have had such a hard time. Telling you that you need to have faith right now would make me a huge hypocritical jerk. I am out of my tree with worry and despair and staring down the barrel of a canceled IVF cycle.. the only IVF cycle we can afford. But I can tell you this… I know that your heart cry is being heard by Our Daddy. I know that your authenticity glorifies Him.. and I know that you will be rewarded for it. Your arms may be empty today… but your heart is carrying the baby that will fill your arms one day soon. If that makes ANY sense at all.

    hugs and love!

    May 10, 2009 at 4:32 am
  • Reply Susan

    I’ve been going through these same feelings myself. All of my friends have gotten pregnant by now.

    May 11, 2009 at 9:45 pm
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