I think part of the reason my IF journey has become easier to cope with over the past few years is because I’ve done such an excellent job with self preservation. Somewhere around the time of my last pregnancy I just one day decided that if something was too painful for me to cope with, I just wouldn’t do it. After I miscarried, I was in a very fragile emotional state and exercised my right to self preservation even further. I systematically cut out and avoided anything that related to fertiles all together.
And of course, the luck of the infertile is that as soon as you suffer a major set back regarding your fertility everyone close to you will fall pregnant, almost as if our infertility is like a fertility drug for the fertile. Babies start popping out left right and center, both planned and unplanned. In the 6 years, 4 months and 12 days (see what freaking tickers do to you) every female close to me has had one, two or three babies. And all of the pregnancy announcements have come either in the middle of an IVF or during the repeat Beta tests in the early stage of one of my miscarriages. And every time its felt like the universe has conspired to make my infertility as painful as absolutely possible for me.
I never saw my SIL pregnant, I never attended her baby shower, I surrounded myself with fellow infertiles and worked hard at cultivating friendships within the infertility community. I’ve known from the word go that this was like creating a paper empire and that at any moment it could all come crashing down around me. I know my reality is unrealistic and that I cannot avoid pregnant people and all things fertile for the remainder of my life. To be honest, I dread having to face the real world again. I dread the fact that one day (probably in the very near future) I’m going to have to deal with a pregnant woman, no matter how tough or how much it hurts.
But for now, for today, I can utter a huge sigh of relief. I dodged flying bullets from a HUGE machine gun today. Yesterday, two of my colleagues who sit in the same office as me announced that they were both feeling extremely nauseous and had been for a few days. I almost past out! I felt my heart constrict, I felt the fear, the wondering how I would survive 9 months with two pregnant co-workers.
You know how the superstitious infertile mind works? Right? So here’s what went through my mind (baring in mind this is the messed up thought patterns of a KuKd woman)
1. I’m infertile so of course their nausea relates to pregnancy, it couldn’t possibley be anything else.
2. With two pregnant colleagues in the office, my IVF was doomed to fail.
3. The next 9 months are going to be torture, watching their pregnant bellies grow and listening to all the pregnancy talk, how am I going to survive?
I know this must sound INCREDIBLY selfish, but I’m so relieved to hear that neither of them is in fact pregnant. I’m relieved purely for my own selfish reasons, thank goodness, I’ve dodged that bullet for now, but for how much longer can I keep being this lucky?
Me thinks not too much longer………….